Sow, Grow, Glow

It’s weird to me that my blog would be shared on facebook in some capacity. I deleted facebook years ago and twitter last year.

I am still on instagram but there are certain times I stay off of there, or just unfollow people. There’s a lot of hate masquerading as ‘love’ and i’m not a fan. I understand passionate people sharing their opinions but I kind of wish more people knew facts and what they were talking about. The hypocrisy is nauseating at times. I don’t know who wisely said ‘speak less than you know’ but it seems people speak more than they know. Super lame.

The state of such regressive attitudes is really depressing.

I’ve spent a lot less time on there and i’m certainly better off for it. I enjoy it more when I am on there now.

I had an old friend reach out to me a few months ago and it seems she’s no longer friends with an old mutual friend we had that I cut ties with a long time ago. However, i’m not the person that finds satisfaction in this. Or validation. I did think ‘great, now she’ll think it’s because we are speaking again that you’re no longer in touch with her’. Then I realised, I know that’s incorrect so stop stressing over what people from your past think. I know that’s not remotely the case. I’m too tired to deal with that.

I’ve been in a pretty crap headspace lately. Nowhere as bad as i’ve been in previous years. I walked away from a very much expired ‘friendship’ and now with clarity I’ve realised that maybe I was a pushover and that is so not me. I don’t recognise myself anymore. Physically or mentally. I’ve grown so I’m grateful that a lifetime of self reflection and soul searching has definitely helped me to improve as a person, but at the same time… i’m a mess.

I don’t care anymore about looking ‘nice’. Not for myself. Not for anyone. I’ve gone into a shell the past ten years. I’ve sort of fallen out of love of meeting new people. That makes me sad. I go though moments of being pretty black pilled about the world. Then, my emotional ass will cry if I see a beautiful place and remember how beautiful the world is. Sure, i saw Eric Clapton’s first performance of ‘tear in Heaven’ this evening and it was beyond moving, and it brought back a bunch of emotional times in life. I remember exactly where I was when my father told me he had cancer. I wasn’t estranged from him back then. I think it was 2009. I remember I saw him cry and in that moment I just wanted to take it away from him. Fix him. All I could do was hug him though.

Listening to the song brought up this memory for some reason. Walking away from my father was one of the best choices I ever made in my life. Yet I don’t ignore certain times. I don’t really have any fond memories but there are some sentimental ones to me. I don’t want to be bitter, or poisoned by anger but I do hate how emotional I get. Too emotional. Where I cannot function.

I mourned my dad years before he died. A decade even. I went through the pain and heartache then, but it was still an incredibly difficult period in my life when he passed. Resentment, anger, heartache… pity even.

I’ve spoken before how I feel like i’m a stranger on everyone else’s planet. When I was at uni or college, I felt like every other student had a right to be there and I was an imposter. I worked hard, I did well, yet I felt I wasn’t as welcome as other students. It was ‘their’ place. It’s a really shit feeling and the inferiority issues really have held me back.

I’m starting to think that no amount of therapy, should searching, medication, meditation etc… is going to help me fully heal from the darkest parts of my childhood. I’ll never recover and sometimes I get really down about that. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I get frustrated with myself. I get angry at what I was subjected to, but mostly, sad. If I see a photo of myself as a kid or think of myself i’ll cry. Some assholes would say it’s feeling sorry for myself. It’s not. It’s as if it’s not me and I want to go and look after that child. I want to hug her and speak to her and be there for her. Guide her. It’s such a strange feeling. I want to undo a lot of the pain and she can grow up without all the deep rooted issues that are still hurting her in her life.

I don’t refer to myself in the third person, it kinds of creeps me out when people do that because I’ve known narcissists do in constantly. In CBT though, my really wonderful therapist encouraged me to write a letter to my younger self and I found that again recently. Fuck, that was hard to read again.

I saw a quote a couple of years ago and I, as usual, cried.

Reading this I felt a relief. I realised I may not be where my peers are or where I hoped i’d be in life, but my friends remind me what I experienced, not only as a child but as I was growing up. The heartache I felt realising i’ll never have a family that isn’t toxic and beyond fucked up. That I already am trying to figure out how to explain to my kids (if i’m fortunate to ever become a mother) why mummy doesn’t speak to any of her siblings. I don’t want to lie for them but I don’t want them to feel sad for me. As a child who had a parent who constantly, whilst referring to themselves in the 3rd person, told you to feel sorry for ‘poor’ them, played that Phil Collins song on repeat driving around way past your bedtime, I don’t ever want to inflict that on my children. I know kids can be inquisitive so i’m not sure if ‘we’ll talk about it when you’re older’ will work. I know you should not stress about the future but it plays on my my mind. I was watching Big Little Lies, for the second time recently and the family tree part resonated with me. Where the kid has a family tree homework project at school. I felt a sense of dread and sadness.

I want my kids to have a really stable upbringing. I don’t want to be a helicopter parent but I really want to shield them. I imagine parenthood is difficult enough as it is, then add on top the issues of not wanting to lie to your kids but not knowing how to navigate their questions.

I”m not a jealous person but I do wonder at times what life is like for people who don’t have life changing trauma affecting them. Of course nobody’s life is perfect, everyone has problems, and it’s perhaps torturous that I let my mind wonder. I have a great sense of perspective in that I always think of people who endured even worse, I am often reminded by my loved ones or professionals that it’s ok to acknowledge the pain i’ve been through without the disclaimer as ‘I know some people have had it even worse’.

I wake up every day and try to focus on gratitude above all else, I certainly do at night. Next August it will be ten years since i’ve prayed every single night. I’ve never missed a night. It may be part of OCD because I it’s very lengthy praying and I have to acknowledge everything I’m thankful for. It can be anxiety inducing if i’m tired and I worry I will miss something out. If it is partly a ritual, it’s not one i’ve been brave enough to experiment with.

Outside of my small circle of loved ones i’m not loving or trusting people too much at this point in my life. It’s not particularly lonely, but it’s not how I want to be. I’ve lost faith in people and find myself searching to read about truly compassionate people. To their core. Not performative. Not insincere. Not a case of seeking adoration or recognition.

I don’t want to be angry at the people who’ve hurt me so much but I don’t know how to let it go yet. I don’t constantly dwell on it, but it does play on my mind at times. I feel such shame for any times in my life i’ve been a less than kind human. I cringe at times i’ve been inauthentic or insincere (which is a rarity for me because i keep it real and don’t care too much about being liked. It would be nice, but I don’t need everyone to like me). I’ve apologised to people for my reactions to them being abusive to me. So many times. If I owe an apology I need to apologise. Even if they were awful to me and never apologised. When I die I want to know if i’ve hurt anyone, i’ve admitted my wrong and acknowledged it. It’s painful when people don’t apologise, but hey, some people are just utterly shitty people. I wish them well, but I am slowly realising you can’t expect them to change or hold out hope that they do. Some people are just assholes, so wish them well and try to forget them.