I was going to sit and have a break, drink my tea and read a chapter or two of my current book. But i’ve been in a weird headspace the past couples of days.

I was doing so well with sleep, I had deleted all my social media, I was getting outside for at least an hour’s walk every day.

Now I’m back to old habits.

I’m the kind of person who self reflects a lot. I always try to see things from other people’s perspectives. If it can be my fault, I’ll make it my fault an apologise. I’m no saint, but I know I have integrity.

I keep asking myself why?

Why did a close girl friend message my boyfriend a night I was upset after he did something shitty, and tell him he’s better off without me? One of my closest ‘friends’. He kicked her ass to the kerb, as did I after that, and she didn’t even apologise. I think that is kind of my fault. When I met her, at the place we both worked at, I was working and it was her day off but she came in. She was really mean to me. Regina George mean (but hey at least it was to my face). Her boyfriend apologised to me for her behaviour when she was out of earshot. He was lovely. When they broke up she gained a bunch of weight, that somehow humbled her and she seemed to be, dare I say, ‘nicer’? I cringed at her at times. Anyone who says ‘i’m a rock chick. I like the chilli peppers’ and works in a video/game store and doesn’t know how The Ataris is pronounced is a bit cringe. But I kind of found it endearing.

One time my closest guy friend came in to see me. She knew him a little, and when she saw him she said ‘oh my friend’s here’. He walked up to me and we were talking and I can still remember her face. Humbled. She barely knew him and I was very close with him and she thought he was a stranger to me and had come in to see her. Sorry dude, no. Awkward.

So he and I go on to date, years later I found out (from him) they’d kissed once but barely knew each other. It was a drunken night and she pretty much pounced on him in a club. Anyway, years after we both quit the job we reconnected on facebook (oh yes, that wonderful site) and hit it off and became really close friends. I loved her like a sister. I ignored fucked up shit she said. I was low key intimidated by her. Her confidence. I admired it, but I felt inferior. We developed a bond though. She kind of looked after me like a little sister (she was only 6 months older). But holy shit did it end badly. I didn’t see it coming. She messaged my boyfriend (same guy she’d kissed one time and who she thought was visiting her at work but was actually visiting me), she barely knew him on a deep level, other than us all hanging out and double dating with her boyfriend, and asked if he was ok after he was a bit of an a$shole (he’s my best friend to this day and admit how shitty he was). That crushed me. One of my closest friends messaged my boyfriend who’s been an asshole to me to ask if he was ok, and within ten minutes was telling him that he’s better off without me? I knew she had a thing for him, but wow. Gross. When her boyfriend drunkenly told me I was in his sp*nk bank, I caused a scene and strangers intervened. No screaming, but when you’re pushing a drunk dude off you and you’re pinned against a wall, I was not annoyed that the men standing by the bar came over.

So she betrayed me in such a vicious way. Why? Why would someone do that? I’d understand if I was a toxic human and see you next tuesday, but I wasn’t. Sure, I had my issues, but I forgave a lot. Why after our friendship ended did she say she’d miss my boyfriend more than me? He went off on her about that one when I told him. ‘Dude, I barely know you’. That was spiteful man. That really hurt my heart.

Maybe It’s my own fault. I, a seasoned ignorer of red flags, had such low self esteem that I tolerated disrespect and just wanted to be loved. I was so fucked up from my childhood friendship going to shit, I just wanted to have a close girl friend again.

That’s probably why I tolerated another girl friend’s disrespect. When she (twice) tried to get in my ex boyfriend’s pants in front of me, she was drunk. Forgivable, right?

When she laughed at me having a panic attack in London, where I cried and was a mess she laughed. (that happened a lot. Not the kind of laughing that I could join in with, the kind of laughing someone can’t hold in. Happened again later at my house when friends were over and we were reading jokes on a website our friend liked. My best friend (Ex boyfriend) started to read one and stopped. I said ‘carry on’, he said ‘no, it might upset you’. I said ‘now I want you to read it’. He said ‘It’s about parkinson’s, it will upset you about your grandad’. The tone was lowered.

(Now, i’m an equal opportunity offender in that I can play a game of ‘cards against humanity’ and enjoy it. I did take one card out. The Jade Goody one was too grotesque. Too, visceral. Too cruel and targeted. I hated it. I didn’t find it funny. I left the stroke one in even though my mum survived a stroke and I wasn’t comfortable laughing at it but didn’t want to make it awkward for my friends. I have played it with the ‘brain tumour’ card and my sister has a brain tumour and I don’t blame others for enjoying the game, but I didn’t choose that card out of respect. I just may not belly laugh at that one. I think the same may apply to everyone playing. It’s offensive to everyone.)

So anyway, jokes were being read out, everyone stopped laughing and we just asked him to read it anyway. He read it, it wasn’t funny. Even had I not have a loved one who recently died and had the disease, it was just a shit joke. She laughed. There’s no way she found it that funny. No fucking way. It felt weird and misplaced. Reminded me of the laughing at my anxiety attack. She did this a lot. I truly feel she did it on purpose, but she once told me she fell out with someone who told a ‘your momma’ joke. Just a generic one.

Even previous friends i’d had who weren’t great friends in the end didn’t have that sort of shit aura. When my nan died, she insisted on coming to see me. At one point i broke down (i was really fucked up at the time for a lot of reasons, I was really troubled by it as I had been caring for her and I felt some way responsible. I now know I wasn’t, but at the time I was not in a good place. I really thought I was responsible and felt guilt being alive). I started crying. She didn’t even hug me. I know some people don’t know how to react, not everyone is like me, I get that. But the look, I’ll never forget the look. There’s no way this chick cared about me. No way. I’m more compassionate towards strangers. Heck, I’m more compassionate towards the people who abused me. (I’ve had therapy to deal with that).

We didn’t speak for a year. (My choice). I couldn’t handle the ambiguous digs on social media. It was cringe and cowardly. (ironically I’ve been accused of that. Nah dude, I say shit to people’s faces. You’ve got that hella wrong).

A guy I met through her told her he liked me. The first time I met him I thought he was a bit of a tool and had no attraction. Also, she had ‘history’ with him. Two nights of ‘history’. Later he added me on facebook. (oh joy). We started talking and I begin to dig his personality. But no, she had history with him. After he’d told her that he liked me, and she told me, he eventually asked me out. I really liked him by this point. But I said no. I’d have said yes had he been anyone else, but no way would I do that to my girl friend. He asked me to come over and meet his dog who I think it what we first bonded over. I asked if she could come along. (my girl friend). She had a boyfriend but I knew I was not to even entertain getting romantically involved with a guy she still fancied and had been intimate with twice.

Even though I said no to this dude, I got slated. I even got attitude off of her brother who i’d never met and was very unpleasant to me the night I met him. I remember being warm and saying hello, and was greeted with a complete A hole, so I was like ‘fuck this’ and my other friend and I walked over to another side of the bar. Not long after, they all came and joined us. I remember them walking over. I recognised the expression from my girl friend. She’d just been a belled about us. I knew it. I was in denial. I think I was on the phone to my dad at the time. I felt the vibe. My other friend felt the vibe. My crime? A guy had asked me out and even though I denied his lovely request, I was still on her shit list. The next time I saw the guy who’d been so lovely was at a party at girl friend’s apartment. He was a completely different person. So rude. It was bizarre. Guess I dodged a bullet there.

Isn’t it disappointing when women are such a f*cking cliche?

So why is it I said no to the dude she still liked (even though she had a boyfriend) and got slagged off, for saying no to a guy I really liked, that she’d never dated. Just hooked up with once or twice… yet when she was all over my ex in front of me, I had to just be ok with it? That later she knowingly kissed my current boyfriend at a party (he was absolute beyond the point of drunk and he had a mask on). I wasn’t even mad at him. I can get mad. I have anger issues. I am the kind of woman who will sit back and observe, then be pissed off at him behind closed doors and say what I need to say. I wasn’t going to make a scene. I wasn’t going to ruin a great party i’d thrown. I’ve grown as a person. I’ve always had anxiety about confrontation but I always would speak the truth even if my voice shakes. I could be awfully sassy and not classy. I didn’t ever start drama growing up but I had to finish it. No matter how nauseated it made me. Isn’t it annoying when you reach your limit and defend yourself people think you like drama? Trust me, growing up in the dysfunction and bad environment I did, I did not need or welcome any drama. But I also had a lot of anger and if someone was a dick, I’d often be a bigger dick.

I don’t want to go into the plethora of things I ignored or tolerated. She’d have continued to pretend to be my friend had I not cut the ties. She’s done that with other friends. It’s like history repeating itself. My dad dying was a great time to find out how she truly felt. Thanks for that, so nice of you. Love the mind games at a time like that. Fucking harsh. The truth is, i’ve gone over and over and over in my head. Practically torturing myself trying to figure out what I did. With my earlier childhood/teenage friendship I can write an essay on all the things I did wrong and regret. I could also write an essay on how hurt I was by her. But I could equally write an essay on what I learned from her and admired in her. Her pretty eyes, how good she was with words, how she never procrastinated and got her homework done early, her pretty singing voice, her ability to not lose her shit when someone was unkind (Although didn’t like the two faced shit, that was irritating). I was even worse when someone was rude to her, that offended me more than someone being a dick to me. Maybe I was too protective over her? I understand why she didn’t have the most respect for me. I wasn’t raised in the same environment as her. It took me a little longer to learn some things. I’ll always be grateful to her and her parents for that. My mum is awesome, but I wasn’t shielded from bad or abusive people. I hadn’t broken free yet. But I can’t ever forgive that she hurt me so bad and didn’t feel any remorse. Or at least express any. I’ve come to expect that from people now.

With this one though, what did I do wrong? I remember when I first went to her house and met her parents. I had crippling social anxiety. To the point I had to reapply my make up because i’d had panic attacks that evening and couldn’t even drive myself. When I entered the gorgeous home I could already feel my cheeks burning. This was at a point I couldn’t go in a shop by myself. I’d walked out of a job I loved. (I didn’t know just how unwell I was at this point, it was getting very bad). I wanted to be likeable, and polite. I was overwhelmed to meet and be in the kitchen with the family. To a regular person that would have been lovely, but it was a lot. When people came over my parents when I still lived at home, I sort of always took them to a room (of course welcome to say hi), but I let people warm up to meeting my folks. I understand some people are shy. So anyway, I was managing ok because they had two beautiful little dogs. I was like ‘ok, I got this. focus on the dogs.’ I was sat at the kitchen table whilst my friend was cooking and her mum was in the room with us. I cannot explain the struggle of not bursting out crying and have a panic attack. Someone who has suffered with this will understand. I’m much better now. It was such a weird/dark few years. At one point I guess I was focusing on the dogs too much and I heard a pretty pissed off, blunt ‘STACEY’… and I looked dup out of my daze, and said ‘yeah?’ and she said ‘MY MUM WAS SPEAKING TO YOU’. This alarmed me. I would never speak to someone like that. Let alone a new friend. I’m the person who bends over backwards to make someone feel comfortable, especially in my home. So I was apologising profusely and joked ‘Gosh, I must come across as ignorant. I was so focused on the dogs. Sorry, what did you say’… and her mother said ‘It’s ok, i’ll talk to myself’. So I laughed, but she didn’t repeat what she was saying. I felt so uncomfortable. I felt weird. I had never experience this before. It was alien to me. Had it been in my home and my mother, I know my mum would smile. I know i’d make a joke out of it to put my friend at ease. I’d never have gotten angry. Not even close.

THIS IS MY FAULT. My brain is screaming now. When I first met her and hung out, I remember the way she spoke about her friend who we met through. It was a red flag. I can’t even write on here what she said. I ignored it like a dumb ass. There was this pretty, confident chick who I had a lot in common with. Who loved the same 80s movies. Who I laughed with over random stuff. It felt so easy at the beginning. I fall in friend, hard and fast. I’ve learnt that now. I have a guard up now. But it started to get really icky, pretty fast. I saw a familiar two faced thing. Saying really harsh stuff about someone’s appearance then on social media saying how gorgeous they were. I thought ‘for f*ck sake, really?’

My real friends say to me ‘people can be twats. Fuck it, forget them. Move on’. I wish I could just ‘let it go’, but it’s as if my mind is incapable of accepting it. I don’t deal with hurt very well. When I claim to care about someone, it’s sincere. I love them regardless of their flaws. I try to figure out what I did to deserve shit. I try to make sense of why they act how they did. My friend’s voices again making me smile a little as I type this. ‘They’re a c*nt, who cares?’. (that’s not aimed at anyone in particular, just what they’d say). But I do care. I hate that I do. I want everyone to get along. I want everyone to be sincere. I want to talk issues out and find common ground at the least, at best, resolve them and have a stronger bond or get closure. I can’t just treat people like they’re disposable.

Some people in my life, I was in denial about how abusive they were. I tried so hard to make sense of it, or try to get along with them. I lost so much self respect in this process and my confidence is always going to be a shattered shell glued together. Painfully fragile, like my heart.

I’m not a ‘life’s victim’, i’m just pretty open on here. Also, f*ck anyone who makes you feel like an attention seeker for speaking about your trauma. I think anyone who does that is brave. By all means don’t let it define you, but you can’t always hold that in. Sometimes it feels liberating just saying a big F you to the shame you felt as a kid.

I’ve beat myself up pretty bad again recently. Is it my self deprecating humour that makes people not respect me? I’ve tried hard to stop it. It’s a defence mechanism. I point out my flaws before harsh people can. Take away their power. It’s also, a way of mine to put people at ease as I am paranoid about not being humble. I came from a family (on one side) that despised university. You were pretentious if you went. I was the first of us to go. I got slated for it. I’d understand if it was like College today with indoctrination, but it was merely because I wanted to learn more. I wasn’t remotely pretentious. I wasn’t a ‘know it all’. So I think part of my self deprecating comes from that. Additionally, I like to make people laugh. Not at any one else’s expense, but often my own.

An event I was part of planning in London, at the end of the night people came up to hug me goodbye. I’m a hugger. I apologised that I may not smell great as I was ‘trying out’ natural and aluminium free deodorants. I smiled and said ‘it’s a journey’. I wasn’t brutal about myself, but I kind of love to make people laugh and they did. Really nice cool people. It wasn’t like ‘you’re a weirdo’. It was as if we were old friends and I was being a bit of … I dunno. I talk to much when i’m nervous. I’d helped plan and host an event in the centre of london at an awesome venue and needed to socialise with a lot of people.

Job’s i’ve been at they’ve had nicknames for me. Not bad ones! but I’m a bit ‘quirky’. I always make people smile though so i’ll take it. I’m always going to be a bit .. ‘out there’.

So is my self deprecating part of the reason people think it’s ok to disrespect me? Or treat me like something they’ve stepped in? Do people see how little self esteem i’ve had? That’s definitely been the case in some friendships. I do know that my genuine friends don’t like me self deprecating. My ex boyfriend (different ex, but also one of my best friends today) would get really upset with me. I think he knew that deep down I meant what I said about myself. I couldn’t say my forehead, i’d have to say ‘my five head’. It’s not that i’m self involved and talk about myself, God no. That’s insufferable. I’m not that kind of person. It’s just in the instance that I do, i’ll probably shit talk myself. It’s my schtick. But he got really upset with me. He loves me. But I would get mad he’d get upset with me. It was ‘harmless’ after all and hurting no-one but myself.

I do it less often now. I still do it, but I am more conscious of it.

I’ve realised my lack of self respect or maybe a desperation for not another friendship to crumble has made me put up with things I’d hate to see a loved one tolerate. I let people treat me like crap. I constantly beat myself up. I’ve missed out on great career opportunities due to fear. I’ve let people down and lost out on awesome opportunities actor friends or people have hooked me up with. Because I can’t hand the anxiety. I am in my mid thirties officially and not in a relationship. I’m definitely not going to have the big family I always wanted with 3+ kids. That’s hard. Letting go of that. I still believe in marriage, but I don’t want the kind of marriage i’ve seen friend’s have. Where there’s no trust. I saw the pain it caused them and I don’t want that.

I know life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows but I feel like i’ve given up. I don’t want to meet anyone anymore. I’m a hopeless romantic who my entire life as far back as I can remember was obsessed with ‘prince charming’. I remember as a little girl wishing he’d come and save me and take me away. I am a bit more of a badass now, I think you should save yourself. But I still want to have a soul mate. My best friend is my soul mate, but aside from a moment of weakness when my dad died and my friend was amazing, i declared my love for him, i’m very grateful he stood firm and told me it’s because i’m in a bad way. Everyone always told me that the ‘way he looks at you’ and ‘he’s still in love with you’, he laughed when I’ve repeated that to him. (Thanks dude, at least try not to be so amused at the prospect). I know too much happened for us to ever even contemplate getting back together. He’s my best friend, but not such a good boyfriend. He never cheated. He just didn’t stand up to his parents and it got really bad. I get on with them now, but it wasn’t easy back in the day. They’ve apologised and admitted they were overbearing and got a lot wrong. I cried, i’m not used to apologies and rarely get them. But I love him deeply, to my core, but it just wasn’t written in the stars. No matter how many people seem convinced it is. That we’ll ‘end up together’. My own issues made us really close, and I was a cool girlfriend at the start, super laid back. More laid back than any women I know. But after being hurt repeatedly, or disrespected by his friends and his inability to confront them, It just wasn’t cool. I became a bit of an emotional wreck. I wasn’t fun anymore. We weren’t happy. He wanted to stay together, for years. (my ex was convinced he still wanted me, flattering, but no).

I hope I do want to fall in love again. The last dude really did a number on me. I was not innocent, I had issues. I came with a disclaimer. He had issues too. Ones that made him lie. Ultimately, I value humility and genuine kindness. He wasn’t the one.

I don’t want to be resentful of the dude’s that wasted my time. Now, thanks to my biological clock, the fun has gone out of romance for me. I’m always going to assume someone’s going to waste my time and I’ll end up a bitter and resentful spinster. I am my own worst enemy.

I also will never use a dating app. They’ve worked great for some people, but I want that organic meeting so desperately that I’m probably risking too much. I love serendipity. The idea of meeting someone off an app gives me so much anxiety. I like to meet someone, and if there’s a spark, then ace.

I got called stupid when I was single and in my early 20’s for not having a kid yet. Got told i’ll be an ‘old mum’. Remember, I was single at the time…and in my early 20s. I was told this by someone who had gotten pregnant at 17 and again at 19 whilst living in a tent. It worked out for them, but that’s too risky for me. I want to be financially stable and mental stability is obviously so important. The glass houses (or tent) and not throwing stones thing comes to mind. (they weren’t homeless, they had lots of options but wanted to have a house in a specific coastal town so had to camp out for a few months until one became available).

I’ve been judged by people who got pregnant whilst with a married dude. Who’d had their first at 16 I think. Maybe slightly later.

Hey, if me not being a mum (something I’ve always wanted to be) is my future, if it’s just not on the cards for me, I’m not quite sure how I’ll cope with that. I will be heartbroken. I think every single day about my biological clock. I resent that I needed at least ten years to hit rock bottom and start getting well. I feel angry about my childhood and the issues that’s left me with. I cry a lot over the fact that if I am fortunate to ever have my own child I will struggle with my pregnancy and the feelings of ‘shame’ I get. How I won’t be able to have a baby shower, or be happy. I’ll want to hide away until the tiny human is born. I’m not jealous of other women. I think pregnant woman are beautiful. I know i’ll feel shame though. One of the issues i’ve been left with that even counselling hasn’t helped alleviate. I feel angry at the people who fucked me up in my childhood. Not hateful, but angry and hurt. Maybe it is hate. Is it hate though, if you’d forgive them if they sincerely apologised and were crying and in distress and you’d find forgiveness in your heart seeing someone so in distress? I don’t know.

Ok, shit, the time. Coffee has gone cold. Oh wait, no, herbal tea. Nice.