Today I was irritated. I’ve been keeping busy, productive and I don’t know if it’s the withdrawing from sugar that’s making me irritable but I’m getting pissed off when I think of how much i’ve been used by someone. Again.

 

He had the audacity to say I talked shit about his friends.  I welcome any guy I dates friends. I’m a hugger. I’m one of those who’s always trying to make other feel better in my presence, but i’ve really dated some guys with douchey friends.  I won’t go into that, the most notable was the best friend of my boyfriend who i’d only met  a few times and have been nothing but nice to. Randomly one day I get a notification in facebook (back in the day when I tolerated and used that site).  I thought it was another party invite or asking me to get my boyfriend to contact him because he couldn’t get in touch. Or whatever reason he’d usually speak to me.

 

Nope. I open up my page to a very public comment on my ‘wall’ saying no-one likes me and no-one wants to see my face. Thats not verbatim but I’ve probably toned it down.

Later on he blamed it on his mum having cancer and he lashed out. When I had a parent with cancer I didn’t ‘lash out’. I know we are all different and react differently in times of distress but randomly sending abuse to your best friend’s girlfriend is borderline psychotic. (even if your parents are besties with his parents at the time and his parents didn’t like me. Recently their son and them reconnected and I could go on about the validation I didn’t need of them saying i’m ‘lovely’ having finally spoken to me at length, but nah.)

His room mate claimed he was joking. Then there was the suggestion of alcohol. Every excuse under the sun.  Absolute c*nt that guy. My boyfriend tried to call him when he came home from work to a very distraught girlfriend and family around because it was a final straw from me and I was ready to opt out of this world at that point.  An unprovoked abusive message can push you over the edge when you’re already suffering.

I don’t want to dwell on a bellend from yesteryear… yesterdecade even.

So i’ll just dwell about the most recent ‘friend’ group of the most recent ex.

 

So, I don’t think your friends are good friends if they’re told about your alcohol use disorder and asked not to have beers at band practise (I know, such a sacrifice) and they say ‘Not our problem’. One of your mates allegedly said (after your mum reach out) ‘can you not drink at practise anymore’. Your great group of friends, being so caring and selfless, said that you’re not their problem. Alas, Twats.

If you’re such a selfish asshole that you can’t refrain from chugging a beer at your lame band practise then you’re a shite friend.  So dude, enjoy your dickhead friends who haven’t at all been absent during your struggle.  I’m not sorry I pointed out that’s shitty and disappointing.

I’m not sorry that I pointed out that your friend is a vile kind of human for allegedly photographing something she shouldn’t have in a hospital. You know, a stillborn baby.  Actually, the fact you’d associate with such a sorry excuse for a human is quite alarming. Trying to justify it as ‘she thought it was funny because it was so f*cked up’. Ummm. nah. Some people lost their baby. Have some respect you monumental asshole.  Again dude, enjoy your twat friends.

 

Or the friend you hadn’t heard from in years but she contacted you to lend her money for meth… or whatever drug.  Class act.  I sympathise with addicts (clearly, I stayed in this relationship for longer than I should have an ignored the advice of loved ones and counsellors), but fuck me, that’s just sad.  Heard from her much since she’s been sober the past few years? Nah, didn’t think so.  Also, I did think you’re better off without a ‘friend’ like that. Sorry for caring.

 

Your other friend, your ‘best friend’… who I contacted because I was worried about you, an ocean away and hoped he’d go see you, instead proceeded to rant about you for an hour.  It saddened me. But hey, enjoy your twat friend. The one you said is a serial cheater and said he probably visited you in hospital recently because a chick he used to bone worked there. (I mean, I’d like to think he visited you because he cares but then again, where was this concern when your girlfriend reached out to him to let him know you’re having a rough time and walking a dangerous line. Your best friend who defended your ex who royally screwed you over).

 

I didn’t talk shit about your friends. I listened at silly o’clock in the morning when you told me the life story of everyone in your life. Occasionally I pointed out ‘wow, that’s not cool’, or ‘that’s fucked up’.

 

So, again, I merely pointed out shitty behaviour toward someone I loved. I don’t trash people, that’s your forte. I dig anyone until they give me reason not to.

 

You’ve deleted WhatsApp. I hope that felt powerful.  Closure for you. I’m glad one of us got closure. (note, sarcasm).

At least you’re on the right path now. It only took using and almost destroying someone to get there. Even so, that’s one good thing to have come of this.  I’ll be less salty by tomorrow i’m sure. I fucking hope so because i’m insufferable when i’m in a mood.

Pretty shitty commenting ‘happy birthday’ somewhere i’d not see it but you knew my close friends would and would pass it on to me. Dick move. So insincere. One of them thought it was back handed the way you mentioned them. You knew my address. I know you’d never have sent a card even if we were still together, but you know my email address and my address.   I’d have respected an email directly to me so much more.

Also, I’m realising you saying ‘I can see you’re on WhatsApp, who are you talking to?’ or regularly checking what time i’d last opened that messaging app was low key controlling. Not cool. I’d get anxiety if I couldn’t reply to you right away, or if I messaged my stepdad back to an urgent question and didn’t read and reply to you whilst I was multitasking because you’d see when I was last on there and have a shitty attitude.

I have  a lot of issues to work on, comparing myself to other women, trolling on dating apps for my amusement (Even though i’ve met awesome people with wicked senses of humour on there over the years and went on to be friends)… but I know that’s not fair. I understand that even though it was completely innocent and I never tried to hide it, it wasn’t ok.

But fuck me I was never malicious. You were. Painfully so.

A sense of humour is so hot to me, but it’s only hot when the guy is genuinely kind. I thought you were. That’s what first attracted me. You seemed rational, reasonable and kind. You did tell me that ‘actually you caught me on a good day, sometimes i’m mean’ and in hindsight, I ignored that and thought you were joking. That IS my fault.

 

A guy with a savage sense of humour but his humour doesn’t come from a place of anger is hot AF.  I’ve known legitimately funny guys, but the second i’ve seen they’re not very nice, I lost interest. Unfortunately this time, the long distance meant a lengthy delay in really getting to know each other. I justified things that I’d never have tolerated because I was reminded often that ‘it’s the alcohol talking’.  It wasn’t though, was it? Fuck, I’ve learn a hard lesson here.

I know you’re like your ex, when you’re done you’re done, so I know you won’t read this, but I wish I could turn off my feelings like that and not feel the sadness. I feel stupid, I feel sad, I feel thoroughly pissed off at the audacity of some of the shit that came out of your mouth.

I was always sincere and don’t throw the L word around. I guess when you’ve known he complete opposite of love, you really value and appreciate it. I hope one day you learn to appreciate it and meet someone you genuinely love and would never be cruel to, continue to shout at when they’re sobbing and I hope you’re worthy of such a woman. I hope you won’t lie to her repeatedly, or be insensitive or selfish. I hope you grow into such a decent person that you’re worthy of her kindness and love.

Right, I need to shut the F up now. I have to move the F on.