Another ranty post for my diary of rants. I like to be consistent.

 

I had this friend.  I don’t like to name name’s so i’ll refer to him as ‘Mr Friend’.

On my 23rd birthday, in my ex boyfriend’s house, we were all hanging out after a meal out, and Mr Friend takes my hand at the kitchen table and asks me to become more than a friend.

I liked the dude, but it didn’t feel right so I said I wanted to just stay friends. I in no way lead him on. We’d been out to dinner once alone, and it was cool, and insisted on paying for me which I wasn’t too cool with, but it wasn’t a date. I was not being cute, or interesting or remotely flirty. If anything I was probably really ‘lad like’ which isn’t me at all. I did wonder if maybe he thought it was a date, after all he asked me, but I didn’t want to give any signals that could be misinterpreted.

We worked together, whilst my boyfriend worked at the pub too. We openly did the banter things. Kind of flirty but in a comical way. Stupid shit. Like he’d tickle me, in front of my boyfriend but it was completely harmless. It was kind of brother and sister picking on each other that left my boyfriend rolling his eyes and telling us to pack it in. That’s how I saw it.

We got closer. My boyfriend and I broke up but remained best friends. But I didn’t really think anymore of it until that night in my ex’s kitchen. The truth was I had by that point started to like him more, but it just wasn’t fair to discuss that in that place and I didn’t really want to get into anything. The cliche of ‘I don’t want to ruin a friendship’ was there making me cringe too. So I didn’t say it in those words. I wouldn’t be able to take myself seriously.

 

Well, I guess we never were friends. Because that friendship didn’t continue after that. We were still in contact, but then one day he completely cut off.

I’m guilty of cutting ties with other people in my life, but if somebody, especially someone I once thought of as a friend/family, reached out, I’d respond. I’d acknowledge and appreciate the effort at the very least and I’d certainly converse with them and talk things out. I’m not cold. I’m not that harsh. I’m pretty decent like that.

 

I did think perhaps his new girlfriend may be part of the reason he just erased me from his life. But then I refused to blame this chick. Sure, she was kinda rude to my friend’s and I when she served us in the pub we once worked that she now worked in. But hey, maybe she was just a moody kind of person. I remember my little sister who we took there for dinner commenting on the moody waitress and my friend was laughing and I was telling her to be quiet.

 

I kind of wanted to test the waters and hoped there was another explanation as to why Mr Friend cut off ties, with not only me, but my ex/bestfriend. That wasn’t cool. Sure they were never friends like Mr Friend and I was, but they were still mates. Not cool.

I sent both moody waitress (a stranger, but hey, strangers can be friends you’ve never met right?) an invite to my 25th birthday party.  I didn’t send it to her. I sent it to Mr Friend but made it clear the invite was to her also. They didn’t show. They didn’t respond. They ignored it completely.

To be fair, the party was basically me drunk and emotional, overweight dressed as Katy Perry from the California Gurls video. Who could take me seriously with an ice-cream cone glued across my boobs. I regret being such a downer on that occasion. I should have been more focused on the people who turned up, but a day full of rubbish ness left me having to be dragged to my own party in a ridiculous costume.  I don’t think there’s anything more humbling than being dressed in a costume whilst you’re feeling utterly pants and wanting to cry.  So they didn’t miss out.  The music system broke so we had an i pod. YES, an iPod! in  docking station thing (i’m so high tech) that you could barely hear.  I remember having a laugh but I also remember my girlfriend telling me to chill out with the drinking. Embarrassing, I know. The whole thing makes me cringe so bad that it physically pains me. A guy I like, who I had fallen out with since the invite (I send invites out wayyyy in advance), turned up and I was surprised. I know why he and I fell out and it involved other people being unhappy with him asking me out (or so I was told). Even though I said no (because he had history with my friend and I’m not that friend who would ever break that unwritten rule), and I even asked to invite a friend when he asked me to ‘come over’ his house. So this dude walks in and i’m trying to be nice, but it’s awkward because the last contact I had with him was heated. But hey, he made such an effort and had a costume and I dug that.

I was awful that night. I cried because my brother and sister turned up and that was so sentimental and emotional for me.  I could still get emotional about that. Even though my brother stopped by before going out to another event, the fact he came was something I wasn’t expecting and me being the emotional cry baby I am, also a bit merry, urgh. Cringe.

 

A lot of people showed up, but I was upset because i’d had a row with my mother (a birthday tradition which I’m happy ended long ago), but I was so focused on the people who didn’t turn up. One of which said he was ‘bed ridden’ and I later saw him in a bar on the same night for post party drinks. He was there dancing. To be fair, he was clearly into getting girl’s phone numbers and there were more prospects in the local dive than my private party.

Anyway this is me trying to remember what this blog post was about.

 

Oh right, Mr Friend.

 

This other dude who I was a bit heartbroken over, didn’t even respond to my invite, or numerous attempts to reach out. To just try and ask what i’d done wrong. Because surely it couldn’t just be because I didn’t want to be his girlfriend. Nobody is that harsh and lame? surely.

 

Silence.

 

Years later my friends and I are sat in the pub. My friend from out of town is with us and she’s a gorgeous looking female. She’s hot. But my word does she like a crude joke. So, my two guy friends having just met her, clearly fancy her, and are indulging her and trying to outdo her with the jokes.  I am cringing and being a prude (as per) and I am very conscious of the elderly couple on the table close by. The combination of banter, gross jokes and my embarrassment lead to a lot of laughing. A lot. Apparently me having a meltdown because i’m not wanting to offend the elderly couple trying to enjoy their meal, was quite amusing. I said ‘shhh’ a lot and I was on the edge of my seat waiting to bury my head on the table with the next thing that came out of my friend’s mouths. I love to laugh, but I also don’t like pissing off people and ruining their date night. So there’s that.

 

Mr Friend and his girlfriend were on another table. I had noticed them briefly but having been ignored for years I just let my bruised heart take a breather. I was a bit numb to him by this point so after an initial flutter of sadness I kind of forgot he was even in there.

I did say to a friend when leaving the establishment ‘did you see them in there?’. To which he said yes. That was the extent of it. No bitching. No reminiscing. Just an acknowledgement. Simply an acknowledgement.

 

Now, I don’t want to shout ego, but, Mr Friend, a few days later sends a rather lengthy and shitty message on that gem of a social media site, facebook.   He had assumed we were laughing at him. I was deeply insulted by this and royally pissed off.

First of all, he should know me that I’m not the sort of person to sit and laugh at someone in a pub! We were friends for years. So I don’t know what he was taking, but something was messing with his judgement.

I don’t sit and laugh at people! …  Unless it’s my friends and they’re deserving of me laughing due to their wit, or the fact they’re making me cringe.

Secondly, Mr Friend hadn’t replied to any of my heartfelt attempts at contact, for much longer than I like to admit because I really didn’t give up easily, but now all of a sudden he contacts us and speaks of me and my ‘new friends’. He was so self absorbed, or perhaps insecure, that he contacted my friend and I to berate us on something we didn’t do. He didn’t even contact me. He contacted my ex, who he was nowhere near as close to. (He did this recently, he text my boyfriend who he barely knows and didn’t contact me, nice).

Dick move dude, DICK MOVE.

I let him know how much of a bellend he was for even thinking that. And I question why on earth would we laugh at them.  He goes on to say he was merely ‘busy’ and that’s why I hadn’t heard from him. (I personally replied to the shitty message he said, my friend didn’t even want to reply).  A lot of back and forth and I extend an invite to my birthday party (27th), because hey, the more the merrier and I didn’t think they’d show.

 

…They showed. And they made a real effort and my heart was all fluttery.  I really liked his girlfriend. She went from being the moody waitress to someone I was pleasantly surprised with at her ‘cards against humanity’ skills. Although, I always won though didn’t I?

But Mr Friend, we just never spoke it out. We never properly reconnected. I barely knew him anymore and I definitely didn’t warm to him this time around. He’d probably assume it was because I didn’t dig his new confidence because he had lost an incredible amount of weight.

 

Guess what, I was so happy that he was healthier and had reduced risk of diabetes, stroke and cancer! I’m not being patronising. It’s just fact. You’d have to be a vile breed of human to be unhappy that someone had taken control of their health. It was admirable.

What I didn’t like was this new insincere, arrogant and often patronising person who was no longer someone I vibed with.  Where had my friend gone?  The humility? The considerate friend?

But I really liked his girlfriend. They later married and although my boyfriend and I both giggled a little bit when the band started playing Hoobastank for their first dance, It was so lovely. I actually felt the lyrics and in that moment I was just filled with so much happiness that two soul mates were slow dancing after exchanging vows. It’s was beautiful. I’ll always think fondly of that moment. And even the lyrics and how I could tell it resonated with the groom. The bride too, but definitely with the groom.  The wedding was lovely, but there was a weird vibe. I know how busy they must have been, but they acted a bit strange. Like different people. I have my suspicions it’s to do with friends of theirs, but I don’t want to speculate.  There was also an awkwardness as Mr Friend had asked my ex to be his best man to which he declined (After initially accepting). I completely understand why he declined and he took Mr Friend out for a drink to talk about it at length. Basically, he was right. He was being used. We know this now.  Mr Friend didn’t want to ask any of his other buddies because they’d maybe judge him for not having a best friend to ask. So he asked our friend. Who quite rightly reflected on it, and it just didn’t feel right (or so he said). Fair enough. But to then basically ignore the person you asked to be your best man, (oh and he asked him at my 30th birthday party. He has a pattern I think).  How can you mistreat someone, and then become sort of friends with them again, and then ask them to be your best man, a privilege reserved for your closest friend, when you’ve never once apologised for what you did?  I know, because you needed someone to fill the void there and didn’t want to embarrass yourself in front of your ‘homies’. It’s kind of sad that Mr Friend was so nervous. Asking someone to be your best man, to bestow that honour, surely should feel so natural and not anxiety inducing? I think the nervousness speaks volumes here but that’s not my place. I do feel bad putting pressure on our friend to be the best man, but eventually I realised I was being selfish. Just because I thought (knew) I’d get blamed if he turned it down.

A few years continue to pass, and I stay in contact because I genuinely do like his (now) wife. But I slowly begin to admit to myself that he and I will never be friends again. We just have several mutual friends. I’ll never feel comfortable in his presence, and usually an appreciated of awkward silences (i see them as an opportunity to point them out and laugh), it was truly too awkward.

 

He doesn’t like me. It becomes clear. I don’t know about other people, but I kind of think you need to at the very least like somebody to regard them as a friend?

I definitely get the feeling he doesn’t respect me. I’ve noticed that a lot with gaining weight. People treat you differently. I’m quite certain this is not paranoia or insecurities rearing their ugly heads. I wonder if it’s a case of ‘she doesn’t respect herself enough to not be fat, so why should I respect her?’. I don’t think this was the case with him as he used to be much heavier than I am. (And i’m very heavily overweight).

 

I begin to make excuses to not attend social events. I stay home a lot whilst my friends and boyfriend attend. I think life is too short to voluntarily spend time with company that makes you feel less than happy.

 

So, I could go on for the length of a Tolkein novel, but I won’t.

 

It turned out I was right. So right. Painfully right and I don’t know if i’ll ever fully recover from it.  His wife, I have learnt, isn’t anywhere close to being as cool as I thought she was. She’s not even in the vicinity of cool, and that makes me sad. Disappointed. Just a sucky feeling.

 

I feel vindicated. But vindication is overrated. I don’t feel too sad over this loss of him as a friend, as I mourned that loss many years ago. But I do feel sad about his wife as I grew to really care about her.  He and I never became friends again. I’ve realised she and I never really were. I feel a bit stupid, but I think it’s more stupid to be fake and willingly spend time with people I don’t truly consider friends.

 

I guess i’ll sum it up as, You can’t lose what you never had.

I haven’t lost friends because  I honestly never had friends in these people. I always knew it deep down. I was in major denial about it for years.  I knew they were friends with shitty people, but I didn’t want to be immature or judgemental so I ignored that.

Now I know they’re the sort of people who love to have a ‘common enemy’. Because numbers mean validation. It’s gross and just screams insecurity, but i’ll leave them to that.

Whether it’s one dick hating on me, or an entire dick squad, they’re still dicks.  A lotta dick. One big circle jerk of bitching and hating a ‘common enemy’. (the word enemy makes me cringe.)  How fun?

A bunch of dicks.

Dick gang.

D team.

Penis patrol.

Cock coven.

 

 

I’m happy they found each other.  I hope they have a secret hand shake. Maybe it involves male genitalia amid messaging abuse to strangers and not holding yourself accountable for your actions.  I just know the smugness. That’s the thing with friends who have friends who are people from your past. Spiteful people.  Can you really be friends with people who roll with those crowds?  You know they won’t have your back if you came up in conversation with their lame friends, even though they claim to be your friends.  Lame. Super lame.

 

Either way, I’m out. Have fun with that.