Oh man. It kind of sucks knowing there are people in the world who literally despise you. Hate you.  What is unnerving about it is I don’t know why. I know I shouldn’t question why, and just accept that some people are just bitter and hostile and clearly painfully miserable.

Someone tried to intimidate me a few days ago. I was searching for a family members cat. A house cat that jumped out of an open window. I’m happy to report that he is now back home.

I saw a family member I have been estranged from for some time. Someone I cut ties with because I simply do not like them. I’ll always have love for them even though they evidently have none whatsoever for me. But that’s the thing about love, you don’t expect anything back. You can’t help who you love.

So this person I have very few fond memories with, but there are some.  I was tired of walking on eggshells around him. I’d literally have a sick feeling in my stomach in my own home when I said ‘hi’ because I was lucky to get a grunt (on a good day). On a bad day I’d get a tongue lashing. The most vicious things you can say to a person.  Real low blows. So cruel.

And yet, I have love for that person and my heart hurts that they’re clearly so unhappy but put so much effort into keeping up appearances. So much focus on material things. Surrounding themselves with the most corrupt people.

This person stared at me. No just a stare, but it was full of rage and hatred and aggression. It was so fucking gross. And unjust. To this day, I don’t know what I did to this person. I know they’ve been so manipulated. But at the end of the day, you should be able to see through bullshit, analyse a situation and form an opinion on rational critical thinking. But no.

It’s not nice when you know hateful people. It’s worse when you’re tied by blood. But ‘blood’ does not equate to family. That’s for damn sure.

I was in a car (passenger seat, obviously, otherwise i’d be focused on the road).

And I’m not proud of it but am proud of it all at the same time. This time I met his eye line and I stared back at him until he was out of view. I didn’t have the expression of a bulldog chewing a wasp that he had, but I didn’t shy away this time. I wasn’t going to let him intimidate me yet again. Fuck that noise.

No way.

There are a lot more things i’d rather have in my eye line. Like paint drying on a wall. But it felt like a small victory but also disappointment in myself for even giving him the time of day and the turn of a head. Maybe i’m overthinking this. Hey, what’s new.

I was kind of hoping he’d have compassion in his heart, or at least the class to just not be a c*nt. But I guess that’s just who he is to his core.

Shame really.

I hope he finds his happy. I mean he was walking a cute Frenchie/Staffie cross, (maybe it was another kind of cross but definitely a french bulldog in there with the ears), and dogs are awesome so at the very least, smile for that alone.  Go hug your dog man. It’s therapeutic.  In fact, the dog is what I saw first because I’m always looking at dogs (yeah, in the mirror right? oh, you’re so witty).

I don’t hate you. I pity you dude. I don’t want to pity you. I want you to be happy, genuinely so. But alas, I pity you.  I pity all of you. I’ve been around you for too much of my life and the darkness and the borderline evil conversations about others who are busy living their lives whilst you sit and drink tea, eat biscuits and bitch and moan and it’s so suffocating and depressing I feel nauseated just thinking about it. I will never voluntarily spend time with people like that again. It was awful. And that’s just the surface layer of the darkness.

The thing is, me calling out your wife was unprovoked? Forgive me, but who was googling who and watching their youtube channel. Stalk much? How sad, that you all shared and spoke about it. I’ve heard this from someone who witnessed it and told you it was lame. It’s kind of creepy.  I thought the views were going way high super fast. Weird.

 

I wasn’t thinking about you at all and you were going to those efforts and watching happy memories I filmed. And now, even now, you feel no remorse or compassion.

Just like the family member who has been in St. Crispins tells everyone that i’m mentally unstable.  The family member who you slated, and said the most cruel disgusting things about at the Christmas dinner table and I dared to defend her and you were so vicious to me. Not now though. Oh no. You need validation in numbers so i’m quite certain you’re really ‘nice’ to her now. How does her butt hole taste? Rhetorical. I don’t wish to know. Grim.

 

I own my mental health issues. I got help. Professional help thanks to the love and support of those around me. I wish you had people around you who loved you enough to want you to be well and happy and face the past and not keep it all ‘locked in a box’.  You’ve done me so wrong dude. And maybe you’ll never realise that. But I forgive you. I know I am not the only one damaged from a shitty childhood. Regardless of how cruel you have been to me, how much damage you’ve done to me mentally and how much you’ve contributed to shattering my self esteem back in the day, I still wish you happiness and health. It wasn’t nice seeing you so filled with hatred. If only you took a moment to actually ask yourself why you hate me so much. It would be interesting because I don’t think you could think of a legit reason. You’ve been conditioned to be such a bitter hateful person and manipulated to feel sorry and respect the most corrupt people out there. Gross.  I thought you’d be smarter than that.

I need to stop having such high expectations of people because disappointment sucks.

 

Keep valuing material things and fake appearances over genuine happiness if that’s how you roll. But I promise you, that’s a very sad existence and I fear for your future wellbeing. I hope you get your priorities straight one day, but that’s no longer any of my business. I hope I learn to stop caring. I won’t ever shut my heart off completely, (trust me, i’ve tried) but hey, you belong in my past and have no place in my future.  The present is a work in progress because unfortunately right now you’re sometimes unavoidable. But I’m not going to let your mean glares ruin my day.

 

Godo vibes man, good vibes. Peace x