I annoy myself. There are people blogging about travelling this planet. Or about their careers and i’m venting about injustice from my past and present.

 

I annoy myself.

But then I think it’s ok. Not everyone has had the same journey. Some people are damaged and although it doesn’t define them, it has left marks. Scars.

I am trying to view the pain as an accompaniment to the life lessons, but when you can’t make sense of it, it’s not easy.

 

I get the impression that some people who I didn’t think would read this blog have somehow found it (no idea how as I haven’t had link anywhere for an age). The thought of it gave me anxiety because I prefer a face to face conversation, but then I realised i’ve not done anything cruel, unfair or unkind. I’ve been a bit sassy but it’s my place to vent. I don’t want to be someone who moans to their mates, or significant other. They’d be fine with it and be good listeners and give me honest advice/opinions, but I don’t want to bring that negativity into our lives. We have things going on ourselves and the past doesn’t need to be brought up. Life’s too short.

I feel misunderstood and misjudged, but hey, whats new?

 

I also kind of wish people would check the dates and not just assume every post is concerning them. It’s not.  Unfortunately for me I’ve had so much conflict in my life. Too much. An amount so suffocating that it’s definitely contributed to my social awkwardness in life and trust issues.

So, guess what, it’s not all about  a specific person. Maybe that pleases you, to know that I have a lot of ‘enemies’. I don’t like that word, but I honestly think that’s how less mature people view me. When I just view them as strangers with memories because I don’t f*ck with that shit. I’m not living on a planet with ‘enemies’. There’s enough to deal with in this world.

 

I just think it’s time for me to accept that I won’t ever be able to make sense of so much. So much is simply unjust. Unfortunately not everyone is respectful, honest, open and sincere. I need to not have such high expectations. Not everyone will have the same morals and values as me. And I need to get the f*ck over it. I need to not exhaust my brain with trying to understand… or make sense… or  try to reason with the unreasonable.

It’s sad. But it’s just the way it is. Some people are just a bit shitty (or a lot shitty).

 

Future Stacey, if  you read this back, I hope you’re in a better place in life and focus more on the awesome folk around you and not be plagued by confusion or pain from the past. I hope you’ve lost a significant amount of weight because your body needs to be able to work how it’s designed to without extra stress and strain. I hope you’ve done this for the right reasons and not because of the fat shaming and insecurity. I hope you did it for your health, respect for your body and life, and because you’ve addressed the issues that led to  this. 

I hope you’re less emotional and sensitive, but not cold. Don’t ever let the world make you cold. I hope reading back you think of Morgan Freeman’s speech at the end of Shawshank when you read this. ‘I hope, I hope’. I hope you’re able to be unaffected by people from your past who act a little shady or outright awful. I hope you’ve got through what lays ahead and came out the other end and are ok. Something you were dragged into when you just wanted to focus on the present and live in peace and deal with things. Remember, your conscience was more important than you wanted to not get involved. You did it for the right reasons. Because you care for others so deeply. I hope you’re doing well. x