I’ve been a closed book most of my life. And now i’m a bit of an open book. Perhaps too open.  I’m still finding the balance. I want to be transparent but I’m figuring out that I have a tendency to overshare. Never for sympathy. I know all too well the sort of people that want you to feel sorry for them and it’s a gross form of emotional manipulation that I don’t subscribe to. I was literally conditioned to feel so sorry for some people as a very small child. It’s super icky and it’s taken a lot of professional help to get out of the habit of making excuses to awful behaviour because I always cloud my judgement with empathy. Too much empathy.

So perhaps I overshare. I did this yesterday. I have a lot of work to do today, but i’m going to get this off my chest.

I cringe a bit upon realising that I maybe overshared. But my intent was to be transparent. Not to garner sympathy.

But… something that makes me really uncomfortable is people’s coldness. It’s as if their iciness makes me shiver. I just feel really weirded out by it. I don’t expect everyone to be as emotional and engaging as I am. I clearly need to learnt to detach myself from situations and too often I become engulfed in another person’s sorrow. (It’s not as if I don’t have enough going on in my life, I worry about other people to the point it sometimes makes me ill).

But a coldness just weirds me out. I don’t even think it’s hatred or resentment towards me? Maybe i’m wrong. I’m open to being proved wrong. I’ve got to get past it and not question it. It shouldn’t matter. I need to stop trying to understand people to the extent I do.

So I thought maybe I was being a bit judgemental, so I got a friend to read the correspondence between the person and I. (Not some thing i’d usually do because a private conversation it something I have respect for. But as usual I doubt myself so I ask for an opinion.)

Without saying anything they said ‘wow, that’s really cold. No acknowledgment whatsoever.’

Part of me is relieved that i’m not the only one who came to that conclusion. But another part of me feels a bit sad.

I ask my friend if they think i’ve embarrassed myself being so honest and open. Was it ‘weird’ that I said so much. Was it weird that I slipped into the old familiarity that the person and I once had many (many many many) moons ago.

To which they replied…

‘No. But… (the dreaded ‘but’)… You don’t owe them any explanation and they’re completely undeserving of it. But I get why you did it. You try to explain yourself too much.’

They also said something I hear often. That I was ‘too nice’.  Something I used to think wasn’t even possible. But I’ve since changed my mind on that.

Regardless of whether I was ‘too nice’, at the very least I was sincere. Maybe a little self deprecating, but I was sincere.

I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to go away thinking that I got something wrong.  That I’d misjudged a person.

I don’t think I was wrong though and it’s kind of sad. I think sometimes I expect too much from others. I expect the capacity to feel as deeply as I do. Admittedly I feel everything too deeply. (I’m working on it still. I probably will always be working on it).

But the positive is, the occasions where I’ve had a brief thought of the person, a fond memory crops up for example, I now know I won’t ever again think ‘man, I miss you’. Not something I thought a lot, but definitely on occasion I thought I missed some things.

But I have been reminded why I cut the ties in the first place.

I’m grateful that I won’t miss this person ever again. Missing someone sucks. Especially when the person has hurt you and caused you so much pain and clearly does not miss you.

So as uncomfortable as it was to be met with a coldness, i’m not going to question why. I’m just going to accept it and see the positive. I’ve had closure. I’ve learnt I wasn’t ever ‘worth it’.  A bitter pill to swallow. As uncomfortable as swallowing my pride. But both equally necessary.

So, Thank you to my friend. My genuine friend. A friend who really put things into perspective for me. Someone who i’ll call a friend for the entirety of my life, i’m sure. Who reassured me I have no reason to be embarrassed.

‘Don’t you DARE be embarrassed’.

But who also confirmed what I kind of already knew.

I think sometimes I try so hard to see the best in people. In the past i’ve looked up to people I shouldn’t have looked up to.  This ultimately & inevitably leads to disappointment. I hate feeling disappointed in people. But maybe I’ve had a tendency to hold the wrong people in high regard.  Actually, there’s no maybe about it. That’s a definite flaw of mine.

I did feel a bit sad about it. But then I took a step back and looked at who i’m surrounded by today and to say i’m grateful would be an understatement. I’m thankful that these people were the people I chose to share my life with, to make memories with, to laugh with (and cry with) because 2012 and 2015 were two of the most difficult years of my life (and my loved one’s lives). So things fall apart for better things to fall into place I guess.

I’ll stop with the cringe quotes now. My blog (like my house) will resemble the inside a bag of fortune cookies.  Well, really I love a good ‘de motivational’ quote and am more likely to have something a bit savage framed in my house than a piece of ply wood with a cringe inducing quote stencilled on (or engraved if you’re really committed).

I didn’t pine over the person from my past. In fact when someone brought her up I thought they were talking about another person with the same name. Until they clarified who they were talking about. The person was brought up by someone trying to hurt me mid argument. To really dig the knife in that bit deeper and let me know another person can’t stand me. (even though the person they brought up was someone I walked away from. I chose to cut ties. I refused to be a ‘frenemy’, I refused to be fake. Me.’)

They brought the ‘friend’ from my past to say they pretty much hated me. Clutching at straws, people who are back into a corner really to have a tendency to reach.

Thinking when they mentioned the name, of an entirely different person with the same name I replied ‘They don’t even know me’. Quickly they seemed to really enjoy letting me know they were on about the person from my past.  ‘Not that [name], the [name] you used to be best friends with’.

Apparently my best friend of 17 years (maybe less, I wasn’t counting) had said ‘Stacey’s always been malicious’. Now, if you know me, you know that couldn’t be further from the truth. The few times in my life that I have sunk low and been utterly shitty, if you explored what it took for me to reach that place you’d understand how much I tolerated before I reached my limit and lashed out. Not my proudest moments, but hey, I’ve owned it. I’ve worked on it. I’ve understood why I’d reach a level where I couldn’t take it anymore. Having grown up with abusive people in my life, it was something I sometimes fell back on. Hurt people, hurt people.  But, I guarantee you if I ever hurt someone i’d feel such a deep remorse and would want to make it right.  So yes, there have been times I’ve resorted to being a bitch, but if you knew how much abused I endured to reach that place, I think anyone would understand. Not at all trying to justify me calling someone the ‘C’ word or anything I did as bad. But I’m not going to continue to beat myself up for it. I suspect those people don’t feel a shred of remorse for the years of awful behaviour that led me to say ‘enough’ and savage Stacey reared her ugly head. I’m not that person anymore though. Thankfully.

So, this apparent ‘best friend’ of mine, from my past, said i’ve ‘always been malicious’. Say that was true (which is so far removed from my character it’s almost laughable), what on earth does that say about her?  To be so close to someone for the best part of two decades but thinking that person they call their best friend is ‘malicious’. To that person I once loved dearly, that was shit of you to say dude.  I am not the one who said our friend with acne looked like a ‘burns victim’. That wasn’t me. All the shit that hit the fan about the trip to newquay, who was the one who said they’d go on the train with the friend afraid of flying (even though I really didn’t want to go on the train). Me.  To which you got mad and said ‘no, you’re not going on the train with her’.  I looked like the villain in that situation. But think back. Who sympathised and said they’d go on a long ass train journey to accompany that other friend. Me.  But i’m awful because after a tonne of nasty words from the girls mother, where I was defending you!, I snapped and said something back. To this day I don’t quite know why on earth a 19 year old girl put her mother on the phone just because I tried to make light of it by saying ‘dude, respect your elders. I’m 4 months older than you’. My attempt to make her laugh, albeit kinda lame, was not malicious, and totally undeserving of her venomous mother to come on the phone and be so cruel that my mother who heard everything on speaker phone was pacing and wanting to take the phone off me. I had too much self respect to let my mother get involved. I was going to handle it. But if that makes me ‘malicious’ then I hope  you find a dictionary and get the definition straight.

Malicious? Really? I don’t think so.  Damaged maybe. Emotional, for sure. A few anger issues when pushed to my limit? yeah.

But do not mistake my ability to stand up for myself as malicious when i’m so far removed from nasty it’s a joke. I’ve had counselling on trying to feel less compassion because I feel for others so deeply that I can’t cope.

Malicious is telling me that my boyfriend was only with me because you turned him down. I could have corrected you there, and let you know he had asked me out previously, and I said no. I then encouraged him to pursue you. But I didn’t correct you. I just took it. Along with the other digs.

Malicious is telling me about how our college lecturer was being insensitive and cruel when I had time off for my grandfather to sit beside him in his final 5 days. And then going on to kiss the guys ass in front of me. That’s rough. That’s so fucking harsh. You told me every day he came up to you and said ‘is he dead yet?’. About my wonderful kind hilarious brave grandfather. Fuck me, that hurt like hell. Not as much as you, having told me all this, went on to borderline flirt with the tool who said it.

Malicious is telling me you deleted/binned a really awful photo of me, but then later told me you hadn’t and all the guys we fancied had seen it. Or refusing to delete a photo of me I hated. Baffling to me. Absolutely baffling. Why would you want such an awful photo of me? One that made me feel so ugly and was an awful angle and in no way could be sentimental. That’s just so strange.

Malicious is trying to get friendly again with the dude who broke my heart after our falling out. He even told me he didn’t want anything to do with you. But you wanted to befriend pretty much everyone from our past who hurt me.  Even people you slated far more than I ever did. I guess you needed validation in numbers. Does it feel good to share that disdain for me? That more of you are on the ‘stacey sucks’ train?  I’m sure that train is headed somewhere wonderful. I’m sure it’s full of really cool people who are just laid back and innately good folks. I’m sure. Something i’ve never needed is the validation and assurance that someone dislikes the same human that I do. I’d rather stand completely alone than with people who hurt me, or people who are petty, unkind, competitive, jealous or lame.  I’d rather be alone. Fortunately i’m not alone. The time that I was most alone was when I had all of you friends back in the day. That was legitimate loneliness. It was horrible.

So, the relative of mine who told me (with great pleasure) that you said I was malicious, came back into my life.  Why? I have nothing to offer her.  Because she was wrong. She had hurt me, and realised I was kind, and loyal and loving and honest. And I kept a dignified silence and got on with my life.

I won’t ever again mistake your weakness for kindness. You were not like me, in that you avoided conflict. I hated conflict but I stood up for myself, and you. I won’t go into all that as I did a lengthy blog post on that, but I stood up for us.  You didn’t. But it doesn’t make you kinder. You’d say plenty behind a person’s back dude. I just said it to their face.

Another friend of ours who turned out to be an awful human (told me I can’t be depressed because I have a nice house, what a moron. He also said he was angry as me being depressed made him depressed. Even though he didn’t even find out from me that I was unwell and on medication. I never told him), you often mocked him behind his back. From his  band to his ill fitting jeans. But I never told him. Ever. He was so cruel to me, to the point I read back his emails several years later and cried. Cried because all of my replies were so dignified and he just kept being so spiteful and ignorant. I still don’t know where the hatred came from. I asked him about his religion, wanting to learn, I’m always wanting to learn, and he lost his shit with me in your front room. Even though your nickname for him was a reference to his religion. That was ok, but me trying to learn wasn’t. It was somehow seen as an attack. But he invited us to many celebrations and occasions and I wanted to learn more.  Now I have people in my life who welcome curiosity and happily educate me, to discuss things that are important to them. So is it ok that in Pizza express on an awkward meal where he had a date present that my boyfriend and I had never met, I was playful with my boyfriend and said ‘oh look, a butterfly’ and when he looked I stole a dough ball off his plate. We were always playful like that and laughing. This ‘friend’ of mine was really angry (he’d been angry and spoken to me like shit repeatedly that night) but he was so angry and said to my boyfriend ‘if she was my girlfriend i’d hit her’. Or was it ‘beat’ her?  Equally grotesque. We got lost and were late for the theatre that night. Having travelled almost an hour. On the phone I asked my boyfriend who was driving if he could see any of the landmarks being said to me down the phone by ‘friend’.  A usual thing, no? Asking the person driving to look out too.  ‘Friend’ literally screamed ‘YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FUCKING EYES FUCKING USE THEM FOR FUCK SAKE’.  I ended up crying. My boyfriend was furious and wanted to turn the car around and go home. I didn’t want to be rude. So we went. Throughout the terrible pantomime, a uber cringe take on Aladdin, ‘friend’ kept making jokes at my expense. One included that i’m so unattractive to men that they are unable to get ‘excited’. Accompanied by an inflatable tree deflating on stage. That was nice. His date was a timid lady. I felt really bad for her as her discomfort was so painfully obvious. Me, being me, wanted her to feel ok. So I kept being playful, self deprecating, and trying to make the situation light. So after the theatre we went to eat. When ‘friend’ said angrily, without a shred of joking, about hitting me, my boyfriend who was the most laid back dude ever gave me a look. I knew what the look meant. It was ‘is this dude for real? I’m seriously losing my cool’. Oh and after that, we ended up driving his date home. Just her, alone. Well out of our way. He hadn’t even arranged to take her home. That was nice. ‘Friend’ years alter turned up to my work in the surf/skate shop. A long way from where he lives. I don’t care about his reasons for being in town. I just wish he hadn’t gone out of his way to pay me a visit at work. It made me very uncomfortable but amazingly I didn’t have a panic attack. He had a lady with him (later learned it was his girlfriend) who was really lovely. I really liked her. I hope he’s nice to her at least.

Since my relative (who I was estranged from for 5 years, but now back in my life) brought you up mid argument (and argument that escalated even though I tried to keep it a discussion and never raised my voice or sunk low with my words).   You’ve popped into my mind on occasion. Packing for a house move and I came across an old photo album.  Or when I wondered why some dude was looking at me in a bit of a hostile way in Waitrose, knew he looked familiar, then realised it was this person’s boyfriend (who I thought was lovely the one time I met the dude but I guess he’s the sort of dude who stares at people he doesn’t know based off of what he’s been told. Or a intoxicated message that was undoubtedly show to everyone but myself and I wasn’t given the opportunity to even begin to own it, apologise or explain.  Man i’m glad my dude is cooler than that. ).

To end this here, the uncomfortableness of it was necessary because now I know, for sure, I will never feel a shred of regret from walking out of the person’s life.  I did question my judgement on occasion looking back, but I think it was a brave, albeit painful, move and i’m filled with a sense of relief I did it.

I’m not ‘holding onto’ this. I think I let it go when I walked away. But I can’t help that because of all of this I have had trust issues. Fortunately I’ve had friends who understood and showed me what a real friend is. Many of them have. They’re so patient if I fuck up. We call each other out on our shit. One of my closest friends and I didn’t speak for a year. But we got back in touch and are now so close.

I don’t think you’ll ever truly care what pain you’ve caused me. Or regret not calling me out on my shit to my face. (I still wonder how many people you let listen to that drunken voicemail I left, but never allowed me too).  I don’t think you’d care if you knew I was so ill because I drank so much, I’m amazed I didn’t have to have my stomach pumped. I’m amazed I managed to even use a phone.

I don’t think you’ll ever appreciate just how good of a friend I was to you. The times I was selfless. The many times.

And I now know you don’t care what my childhood was like and why I grew up with the struggles I did. You don’t care. I can’t imagine lacking compassion like that. Even people who have been so awful to me I still would hurt if they were truly hurting.

Third person, first person, I don’t even know how I started this post but i’m sure me addressing you as ‘you’ developed as i’ve opened up. I’m not a gifted writer. I’m a bit of a word vomiter. Owning it. That’s ok.

Even though I know you won’t find this blog. This is for me to get closure.

I don’t think i’ll ever understand what made you so cold, and if it’s just toward me. I don’t think I need to understand. I know i’m a great friend, daughter, girlfriend and hopefully one day will be a great mother, grandmother.

I feel so free now.  There was always this part of me that was a bit shattered and fragile with how things ended.  Not something I thought about often, but sometimes my mind would go there.

I’m proud that no matter how selfish my parents were growing up, or when they didn’t set the best example they’ve owned their mistakes. They’ve admitted when they were not great parents. They’ve grown so much and we’ve become so close.  I’m proud that they’d never… ever… be hostile towards you. They won’t  ever blank you. Or give you that side eye stare people do when they want to let you know that they don’t like you. That look. The kind of look you feel burning into you as if the person has fucking laser beams aimed at you from their eyes. My folks will never be like that. And no matter what they’ve done in the past, I’m so glad that they’re not like that.

But to you i’ll probably always be someone who ‘loved drama’

(I hate drama, but I didn’t take any shit and sometimes lost my temper when I saw injustice. Injustice still infuriates me, but I don’t react how I used to. Sometimes when I was so hurt or angered bu someone else’s shiftiness I’d be a petty b*tch and say something provocative. ALWAYS as a reaction. It wasn’t classy of me at all. I’ve learnt).

I’ll be someone who’s boyfriend (our mutual friend) was only with me because you turned him down.

(Even though that’s not remotely true, and I was shocked when you had the audacity to say that. And I could have set the record straight, but I didn’t think that would be kind. In fact, he was angry at me that I didn’t correct you and let you know he pursued me for a while and I said no countless times but I was too embarrassed to tell you).

I’ll always be the person who’s a loser because your brother didn’t think I was cool. (lol) or because I didn’t realise his ‘greatness’. I actually really liked and respected your other brother. He was humble and kind (from what I knew) and just a pleasure to be in the company of. The one whose ass was kissed by every little groupie going always left me with an unpleasant feeling having been in his presence. Humility is such a rare but awesome thing I’ve learnt.

That’s completely ok. I guess you never really knew me, at all. But I walked away knowing I was real, sincere, and honest. Insecure and clingy, I won’t deny that, but fuck me was I real. I’m sorry I was so clingy. I understand why now. I very much needed professional help back then, but rather than dwell, I’m grateful i’ve had it now.

UPDATE:  on your most recent photo, the girl who commented is one of the most malicious people I’ve ever known of and you call her ‘sweetheart’. This chick is so malicious that even her mother in law and ‘best friends’ say she’s nasty and cruel. But if that who you choose to associate with, and who you refer to as sweetheart, then fuck me, I can’t be offended by what you said about me.  I don’t respect your judgement. I briefly can see the people you’ve reconnected with and i’m sure that makes you feel really good. So what changed? The penis’s on their foreheads disappear? or the need for validation in numbers?

My break’s over, my alarms going to leave a permanent ringing in my ears, so on that note…