I sometimes wonder, although less often nowadays, if you have the capacity to feel genuine compassion for me. You’ve resented me since infancy and your cruel jokes were so damaging.

You talk about respect? Once upon a time I was so protective over you, you were on a pedestal. You could do no wrong. I’d justify every thing that was less than kind with tragic or awful times from your past.

But you have a choice. You’ve always had a choice. To go down the road of bitterness, or to grow from it.

You talk about respect?  How can I respect someone so shallow. That shit is embarrassing for your soul. I no longer have to cringe whilst being subjected to listening to utter bullshit regarding a woman being ‘too big’. Or having an arse ‘the size of an elephant’.

When I spoke reason, being mature beyond my years, my more than reasonable viewpoints were met with nastiness and aggression. Even now I think of countless occasions I just wanted to face palm when trying to point out how ludicrous some of the word vomit I was forced to hear was.  But no, I was 16/17, clearly my opinion was invalid. The thing is, i’m 30 now and I stand by what I said. I was right.

How can I respect someone so stubborn? Someone who finds it impossible to apologise. Someone who fails to self reflect and thinks the definition of respect is having his arse kissed.

How can I respect someone so aggressive and ruthless. So unkind, so hurtful in the delivery of their harsh words. I’m no longer in pain, i’m numb to it. I’m proud that I walked away and never looked back this time. I’m proud that I have so much self worth that I refuse to stand for that shit. I refuse to endure that shit.

How can I respect someone who thinks that because they have a little army of devoted ass kissers (I won’t say cult, or compare you to the Westboro Baptist Church, or the f*cking Lannisters)… that means they’re in the right. I can write a blog post on each individual. I can own my shit even though they couldn’t ever own theirs.

I am far from perfect, but I am not cruel. I have had my fair share of bitch moments, but I’ve always felt awful and sincerely apologised to those unfortunate enough to meet  that side of me. The side that isn’t really me, but a retaliation when I’m deeply hurt. Even when the person I lash out at is an utter dickhead, I still apologise. I apologise because it is not ok for me to act that way.

People defend your cruel repetitive jokes about me, but if the same was said about their children they’d be beyond angry. Those who defend you would never allow their kids to be treated that way. But because it was me, and I was the blame for every shitty circumstance in your lives, it’s ok to have treated me so poorly.

Sometimes I wonder if you are aware of the damage your selfishness has caused. Do you even care? Doubtful.

I once had respect for you. Misplaced respect. I now know that respect can be lost, it can be earned. People who are older than me can be dickheads. People younger than you can have valid points and are equally worthy of respect.

You want me to respect a person who says in front of three of their children, (neither of which have blue eyes) that ‘blue eyes is the best eye colour’.  So matter of factly, to the point you were almost seemed angry if anyone suggested otherwise. I was so embarrassed for you in that moment.

How can I respect somebody who angrily emailed me to tell me not to attend their funeral. Really? … Really?  sidenote, lay off the caps lock. I feel for your poor keyboard as I imagine you hitting those keys pretty hard.

I have no room for nastiness. I feel like I an breathe again. I’m no longer seeking affection from somebody who quite frankly, I believe, is a bit of a shitty person for the most part.

People who are worth it, give love freely. Chasing that shit is like chasing the end of  rainbow and never finding a pot of gold.

I’ve made peace with the fact we’ll never speak again. I don’t wish to. I don’t intend to. I am literally afraid to. It’s not normal to spend time with those who intimidate you. Or those you have to walk on eggshells around and bite your tongue so consistently that you’re amazed it’s still attached to your body.

But beyond all of this, i’ll always have compassion for you. I wish you good health. I hope you find genuine happiness in life. A real true happiness. Not one that relies on constant ass kissing and shallowness, and monetary wealth.

I’ve kept all of those cheques you sent me. They’ll stay in that drawer. As a reminder mostly.

Let’s talk more about respect. I have too much self respect to take money from someone I no longer associate with. No matter how much I was struggling at the time. I’d sooner sleep on a park bench than use those cheques. Fortunately I don’t have to as i’m surrounded by people who’s generosity makes me cry (happy tears) to this day. I’m sure i’d be slated for that, for accepting help from people who care. What’s another thing to add to the list of Stacey bashing?

Money doesn’t have to be power.  Those who are truly rich are those who don’t rely on money for happiness. Real wealth is being surrounded by positivity, not bitterness. Genuine kindness. Not spitefulness.

I say genuine kindness as those who truly donate to charity for the right reasons, those who do so anonymously, those who don’t do it for self gratification. To me, those are my sort of people.

Not those who say ‘I DO ENOUGH FOR CHARITY’ when I suggest rather than send me another cheque wasting even more paper, perhaps a donation to a charity of my choice.

Can you ever do too much?  It’s easy to write a cheque isn’t it? How dare I have the audacity to suggest instead of making yourself feel better for sending my a cheque, you direct that money to a cause that needs it. How dare I suggest that? Give me a break.

There is a softness in you. I’ve seen it several times growing up. I’ve never forgotten it. The time we were in a shop and you enquired about the price of a tin of biscuits. Then decided they were a bit pricey. But the sales assistant, quite rudely, got vocal about the hassle of having to ask her manager to delete the item as she was clearly incapable of simply scanning a barcode for a price enquiry, You bought them to avoid her having any stress. I know you did that because you were thinking of her and not yourself in that moment. I was protective over you and pretty pissed at the girl, seeing as in comparison I was a pretty great sales assistant and wouldn’t have behaved like that. She was so rude and unprofessional. I know you bought them in consideration of her, and not yourself.

I know about the time you overpaid for paint on eBay when you went to collect it because you felt sorry for the woman selling it. Only to get home to find out she’d watered it down.

Don’t ever think I’m ignorant to these things. I always look for the best in people. I can’t deny there is kindness in you, and generosity.

I’m just sad that your struggles seem to have made you so bitter. That there’s a real nasty streak that overshadows the kindness. Some of your harsh words still echo in my mind. Especially when I’m doing well, that self doubt with come back and engulf me and the nasty words of you, and them, will circle my head and sometimes i’ll be defeated.

You know, I’ll always love you. Not how you claimed to have ‘loved’ me. But genuinely. I’ll always be sympathetic to the utter heartache you must have been subjected to in life. So much tragedy and so much struggle.

But I could no longer say another apology to smooth things over, again knowing I wasn’t in the wrong. I got so used to apologising to keep the peace when I was the one owed an apology.

It saddens me that it’s easier for you to write a cheque than it is to apologise. Easier to write a cheque than to  self reflect.

I remember the times you drove me when I was a teenager, texting on your phone. I asked you not to, and oh boy did my innocent request get met with a nasty tone and snappy put down. I wasn’t just afraid for my own safety, but for yours. For everyone on the road.  The funny thing is, when I had a Facebook account, the last time I went on your page to block you, you had shared a quote about how stupid it is to text and drive. If only you realised that when you were texting that lady from the dating site. Or work.

That made me laugh. The hypocrisy. But hey, at least after all of these years you’ve learnt. This isn’t me being patronising, I’m being sincere and honest and raw.

I don’t pray for you hardly as much anymore. I try not to think of you too often as it saddens me, or angers me. Negative emotions I don’t need in my life.

You’ll never miss me, i’m sure. After all i’m an ‘over opinionated little shit’.

How can I respect someone who slates university and slagged it off whilst I was a uni student. I hope you’ve changed now as people close to you are doing incredibly well working hard at uni. Doing courses I would never have the intelligence or persistence to study.

I always found it ignorant that you slated university, yet the doctors who saved your life, all went to university for 7+ years. Another time I had to bite my tongue and just let you talk your talk without daring to contradict you.

You’re self made. That is respectable. That’s applaudable. Something to be proud of. But why do you need to put others down who choose another route? I’ve noticed a pattern with you all, you put others down to make yourselves feel better. The jealousy, the nastiness, the bitterness.

Putting another down will not make you any better. If anything it’s soul destroying.

I am so much better off without you all. I’m no longer embarrassed to admit I fear you all. I’ve admitted that out loud several times. I fear how low you’ll go, how nasty you’ll get, how ruthless you are and how jealousy and negative competitiveness rules your lives.

How can I respect someone, who when I was really poorly, dangerously so, and my best friend reached out to you to be there for me you said ‘it depends. Only if she’s not a disrespectful little shit’.

Vile. I’ll never have respect for you again.

If someone was in genuine need, I wouldn’t hesitate to be there. I’d certainly not have ‘conditions’, and use it as an opportunity to name call a vulnerable person.

Here’s the thing, I was never disrespectful. Just honest. I was exhausted by being subjected to a river of negative bullshit for so much of my life.

I’ve stood back and seen how manipulative you are. It’s so clear to me now. Manipulating people into feeling sorry for you. Even the way you always refer to yourself in the third person is so obvious to me now. It’s not cool. I look back at how manipulative you were over two decades ago. Of course I was too young to know any different then.

You’re not the only manipulative one, oh no, I think some of your ‘successors’ have outdone you with that title. Mind games. Not cool.

So, I hope we never cross paths. We did the other day and if it had been a year ago i’d have been a mess. A panic attack for sure. Tears. Shaking.

But fortunately I was able to just walk on by as if you were strangers, and to me, that’s success.

Sure it’s sad, but a person can only try for so long. They can only tolerate so much. They can only forgive so much, trust me, I try to forgive fully. I’m not there yet.

If you ever read this, I know i’ll be facing the wrath of you and them. You won’t self reflect and respect it’s how I feel. You’ll try to find a way to annihilate my character and seek ‘revenge’ over something that needs not vengeance. Character assassination is one of your revenge tactics. I’ve witnessed that many times.  I’m not afraid to speak my truth anymore though.

‘Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes’. Words I live by.

I have been far from perfect, but i’ve owned it and apologised to those I needed to. Apologising is not weakness. It’s strength. I cannot sleep at night until I’ve apologised for anyone I could have upset. I own my part in ruining relationships. I’ve apologised and respected that we don’t reconnect. I’ve grown from my mistakes.

I just hope you’re at peace with the world and yourself. I hope, heaven forbid, you ever read this you don’t share it with loads of people I don’t even know like you did with all of my personal emails opening my heart to you, even when I begged you to keep it between us.

So no, I do not respect you. I’m sure you don’t care as you’ve got plenty of people blowing smoke up your backside.

I don’t seek your approval or respect. Hey, I’m ‘different’ (said with a negative tone). Hey, call me Tyrion.

Different’s a good thing though, so feel free to hold back on the negative tone. The screwed up face. The disdain. So scornful. So cold.

I’ll never forgive a lot of what you’ve done. You’ve caused me so much pain. Even in my 20s when you nastily took the flowers off of a loved ones grave the day after I put them on, and binned them then told me you binned them. The artificial ones too, even though I spent a lot of money buying really realistic artificial flowers. The reason I bought artificial is because I knew i’d not be revisiting in the near future and hated the thought of decaying flowers left by the headstone.

 

I’d rather kick ass in life than kiss it. Especially when the person the ass attached to, is quite frankly, a bit of a prick.