Not sure if it’s the heat, but I’ve not being sleeping much and my head is throbbing.

A few weeks of feeling crappy and even random past things springing to mind.

I’ll be brushing my teeth and remember the time at a hen party I hosted for a friend I loved, and her favourite movie was ‘Beauty and the beast’. Because I was so busy I rushed the little questionnaires I handed out (ginger ray, super cut and pretty)… but when it said ‘if the Bride’s life was a movie what would it be’… rushing I just wrote her favourite movie, the movie I based the decorations on. Only now, years later, it randomly popped into my head (I think because another friend was getting married)… anyway all of a sudden whilst brushing my teeth I thought ‘SHIT’. No-one said anything other than ‘awww’ when the bride read out all the answers, but looking back that could have been taken the wrong way. Implying her husband to be was a beast. This dread came over me. This friend and I painfully parted ways a few years ago but randomly, this thought popped into my head and I cringed.

No guarantee that interpretation even came to anyone’s mind, but the thought it could have and I could have hurt someone’s feelings, oh man. Silly things like this haunt me. My intentions are so pure but I really am stupid.

I liked a guy and a guy liked me. We were hanging out on my 23rd Birthday at a little after party and everyone was talking about how you can stand on an egg and it not break. I being flirty said I want to see (guy’s name) stand on an egg. Purely flirty. Then he said ‘oh, sure, you wanna see the fat guy stand on an egg’. That didn’t even come to my mind, i’d never have said that had I thought of that. I wanted the sofa to swallow me up. I think everyone in that room thought I meant that. Mortifying. To think he could think I could be so cruel. Had he been thin i’d have said it. It was my flirty banter.

This stupidity definitely contributes to my social anxiety. I spoke about it in therapy.

Another time some extended family were around and my mum asked me to get some plates out of the cupboard. She was obsessed with ‘drop down’ TV and buying random crap. From sushi sets (she has never eaten sushi) and whatever deals she got. I went in the cupboard to see she had replaced all the plates and they were all square. I pulled one out and said ‘I don’t like these. They look like prison plates’.

It was pointed out to me pretty quickly that someone in the room’s son had just been sent to prison. I knew this, but it didn’t even cross my mind. I totally forgot. I apologised to the guy and he said ‘it’s ok’ and I hope he knew I was just an idiot and didn’t think.

Story of my life.

I’ve been trying to figure out the issues surrounding my social anxiety. I know the roots now of a lot of it, but it’s so complex. There’s so many things, and this, although not a major issue compared to the others, is definitely there.

A lot of times my stupidity makes people laugh, I don’t mind that. But when it could hurt someone’s feelings (even though it’s unintentional and never on purpose or targeted, just a lack of awareness) it really makes me angry at myself. To the point it haunts me years later.

I find it so hard to stop being hard on myself and let shit go. These people probably don’t even remember these times, I’ve apologised to some people and explained and they have no idea what i’m on about and I look weird remembering. I think I don’t let myself forget anything.

Anyway, first therapy session in 2 weeks tomorrow and i’ve been so unwell today.

I said to her last time, ‘I don’t know how I can have so much gratitude yet be so unhappy’. I still don’t understand that. I think some pain leaves scars. My mind’s all over the place. I walked my dogs on the field I played on as a kid the other day. Parked by my childhood home (age 1 to 11)… I kept having recurring dreams of walking around there so I hope going there may put an end to that. I got a bit emotional and it was so weird. Everything looked even smaller and more eery. So many fun times there, but also some less fun times so I there was an eery undertone. I saw my old den, that was a trip. I hadn’t been there since I was about 10! Surreal. It’s like I could still hear the echos of my siblings, friends and I playing.