I’d just come out of 20 sessions of therapy after a breakdown the year prior when your husband reached out to me, crying. Asking if you could come and see me.

I doubt that you feel any compassion for that.

I went against all of my loved ones warnings and advice and hesitantly gave him my address to bring you to talk with me. I was scared you were spying for he who shall not be named. I’d had multiple threats by that point. Aggressive texts. Heard of the creepy shady attempts of taking one of mum’s sister’s to lunch… undoubtedly to find out who I had named.

I, although scared, and although having just begun to rebuild my life, gave the address where I was staying. My boyfriend’s address. The people who were disappointed that I did because they were concerned for me didn’t get angry. They know my heart. They know that knowing someone else was in pain, pained me. They know I can’t be selfish. They know that I couldn’t say no having been through a breakdown myself.

I doubt you’re grateful.

I doubt you care that I became so unwell again. Even though I didn’t name names, I was VERY careful, you knew who it was. Who they were.

You didn’t seem to care when the son of one of them threatened to destroy ‘ESPECIALLY STACEY’. Wow. There was no ‘She’s the one who didn’t want to go to the police. The police turned up at her door when she refused to go. Leave her alone, she didn’t go to the police.’ No. Fuck no. Didn’t even occur to you how unfair and unjust to me that was did it? Where’s the decency?

You won’t see it from my point of view. Or see what the people who truly love me see.

I had been through hell. I barely survived it. I did the work, put in the time and was rebuilding my life.

Then you disrupted it. I put you before myself. I can’t say even with hindsight I wouldn’t do it again. I don’t know how to be selfish like that.

All I wanted to do was be ok. Be healthy. Have a future…

I let you back in, and look what I got dragged into. Having to relive what I had learned to begin to heal from.

Nope. You sat in the car with a detective and drove to my fucking door that morning. Knowing I did not want to go. ‘Oh but he told me he needed to speak to you.’

Sorry, but no amount of pressure would make me take someone to your address. They’d have to do it alone. Or I’d say ‘she’s not well, she cannot handle this.’

But no. Wasn’t even a thought or consideration was it?

I’m stronger now. I am resentful and I am angry. I’m learning to let it go but it’s not easy.

I’ve started therapy again and I’m revisiting just how fucked up it all has been.

I’m realising that you truly do not give a fuck about me on any level.

Doesn’t stop me loving you though. Or even him.

I would feel such a deep overwhelming guilt had I been let back into someone’s life and they wanted no part of what I wanted to do about it.

The reason I gave that statement was so that I could sleep at night knowing my silence wasn’t a part in endangering others. I wasn’t happy about it. I made that more than clear.

I also did it for you.

So detrimental to my mental health. I got so ill again. I’m still yet to be ok.

I don’t matter though. I’ve been used many times before. I won’t let that happen again.

No matter how much my heart bleeds for another, I can’t survive that shit again. I barely did.

It put me back in a dark place. It has been 6 years and i’m still dealing with this shit.

Important years in my life regarding my biological clock.

That wouldn’t even be a consideration though, would it?

I don’t matter.

Even after you’d been so fucking cruel to me I put my recovery aside and let you back in to help you. So you wouldn’t be alone. Even though I felt alone when my memories came back. Fortunately I have 4 people who love me who saved me back then.

People who said ‘you dealt with it alone, she can deal with it with her loved ones. You can’t open that door again, you’ve come so far’.

I did though. And the fucking mess that came with it.

More threats from that side.

The perverted corrupt dark side I cut ties with over a decade ago.

After 5 years, I walked away from all that cruelty (before I remembered the darkest) and you were all cruel. So fucking cruel. I still have scars.

After 5 years of saying goodbye, wishing you well but wanting no more contact I let you back in because you were in pain and It broke my already shattered pieced back together heart to hear a man I once adored like family crying and worried about you.

I couldn’t say no.

It didn’t take long for the put downs to start again did it? Old cycles I’d walked away from.

Zero accountability on your part for past harm.

ZEro apologies for the shit storm I got dragged into.

It was so fucking unfair. I was the one who wanted nothing to do with any of the revisiting the worst parts of my childhood…. yet I was the one getting malicious threats again.

I was too scared to walk to my fucking greenhouse. I’d not long conquered that fear after the first round of threats and the talking about ‘hitmen’ echoing in my head from fucked up past conversations I hear him have. One time the neighbours friends accidentally parked on our drive and two men got out and I ran and hid. Bet you’d find that funny. Probably openly mock me. Type of humans I unfortunately share DNA with.

Finding out I was on antidepressants when I was young. Laughing at ‘when do we think Stacey is going o hang herself then?’.

Funny isn’t it?

Love how when I was hiding to hear a disturbing conversation I was referred to as a ‘nutter’ and you agreed. Couldn’t blow your cover that I was in the house could you? So had to stick to mocking me as you clearly had been doing.

Wow. Interesting that i’m the one who sought help. Was medicated. Self reflected. Owned my shit in life.

Yet the cruel ones with really messed up views on the world had the audacity to mock my mental health.

I won’t even repeat the things they said, I can’t even bring myself to put it in writing how dark a lot of it was. What makes it worse is their profession. Fuck me, the absolute state of that. If people knew.

That’s no threat. I have no interest in destroying others. I have no interest in hurting even the worst of you. I hope you heal. I hope one day you get help. You have to own your shit though, and I know that seems an impossible task for so many of you that I walked away from.

I hope I’m less resentful. I hope I think of it even less often as I do now. The fucking injustice of it all still brings up anger in me.

You’re not my people.

You can’t choose your relatives but you CAN choose your family.

Fortunately for me, I found mine.

Heal. Be better.