Another cheery entry to this diary. When i’m feeling good I don’t come on here. Totally the opposite of what i’d planned starting a blog.

I’ve been an anxious on the verge of tears constantly nauseated being my entire life. The past two weeks have been particularly crap. My skin never breaks out (aside from a year of random adult acne when I was 21, which I was very self conscious as as I was a waitress at the time having to stand in front of large groups of people). It’s broken out pretty bad today.

Whenever I think i’ve gotten over a compulsion or nervous habit, I end up not realising i’ve developed another. The past two weeks I started (without realising) this thing where I take the little finger of my left hand and wrap the finger next to it around it and tuck it in tight. I was wondering why my hand and finger hurt so bad the past 2 days then I caught myself doing it when I was nervous and thought ‘oh sh*t, i’ve been doing that a lot’. I do it until it hurts then release. But now it constantly hurts. I’m trying to break that habit but i’ve done it twice already as i’m typing.

I had two weeks of minimal sleep in the form of early evening naps. But 3 nights now I’ve managed to sleep by 2am.

I can’t stop thinking of how stupid i’ve been. How much i tolerated in my life and if only I had enough self respect to walk away from people and situations sooner. I exhaust myself trying to keep relationships with people, who in hindsight, are not my kinda people. People who can be pretty nasty and selfish.

I’ve had a fear of being alone as far back as I can remember. Even though I came from a pretty huge family, I would cry when my friends went home the next day after a sleepover. (This was when I actually made friends after the age of 8).

I think, for certain, my fear of being alone or fear of abandonment has led me to tolerate people not respecting me in relationships. The thing is, I know quality is better than quantity. I know it’s better to stand alone than with people who hurt you.

I’m not alone. I don’t think i’ll end up alone as my friends are the family I chose. I trust every single one of them now. For the first time ever. A few of them have got to know each other too recently which makes me happy. I love bringing people together. Two of my friends who haven’t met each other yet have been talking and they’ve hit it off and I can’t wait until one day we can all hang out together. Or at least they can meet in person as they laugh at the same things. They’d definitely vibe.

My biggest fear is losing my mother and stepdad and I can’t stop catastrophising and worrying about them. I’m like a helicopter mum, but a helicopter daughter. I’ve prayed every single night since my mum had a stroke in 2012. Never missed a single night. I truthfully think it’s fear based (as well as having faith), but it’s the one ‘compulsion’ I wouldn’t experiment with in CBT. I worked really hard to stop the envelope checking, the photographing any card I write, the counting. I just couldn’t not pray.

My intrusive thoughts have been bad again. Sometimes they’re tolerable and other times they feel unbearable. I can hold scissors now without fearing i’m going to cut off my eyelids. So there’s that. That was a bad ones for many years.

Pretty sure it’s only my friends who read this, and maybe one person who I think is my instagram stalker who is creepy as hell. (future blog post on that morally bankrupt being. Absolutely zero integrity).

Please look after your mental health guys. Keep up the work. Try to notice when you’re slipping.

and a final thought…

you know what’s way cooler than saying ‘be kind’?

…Actually being kind.

Stace x