The last time I burst out crying in a waiting room was when i’d just broken up with my ex. That’s the first time a stranger hugged me. I’ve done that before to other people so many times yet it was very strange being the person on the other end.

Of course, today, the other time I burst out crying (the morning after cutting ties with someone in my life I no longer trusted) it was more a case of stares. I go bright red when I cry. (and when I do any form of exercise). I Was thinking maybe I looked like I had temperature and didn’t want to wipe the tears when people were watching incase they moan that i’m touching my eyes.

Lame.

So I finally pulled it together, had my appointment, but upon leaving a man thought I worked there and left an elderly woman in my care. I said ‘i don’t work here’ but he had ran off by then and put her bags on the floor. Everyone’s wearing masks I couldn’t understand him very well. It was in the entry way to the doctors. A very small space between the two doors. I respectfully wanted to keep my distance, especially with so many elderly people about, but I stood back to let the man walk though. He just placed two bags on the ground. I looked past him and saw a very elderly frail lady. Very much hunched over and walking so slowly. The guy seemed anxious and his car was still running as she was getting out but she was quite far away. So I said ‘Shall I just go past you?’ as i’d have plenty of time before the woman reach the outer door. He pointed at the bags and as he walked off said ‘i put my card in her pocket call me when she’s done’ got in his car and drove off. The lady still hadn’t reached the outer door. I was inside the inner door.

I turned around to face the receptionist who was so lovely and didn’t give me any weird looks for being a bright red mess. I said ‘a man just dropped an elderly lady off and left her bags on the floor’. She looked confused. I said ‘shall I pick them up for her, or should I not touch her bags?’. My instinct is to pick her bags up and help her, but now I am hesitant as I know people are afraid. The receptionist said ‘of course not, don’t be silly. I’ll do it’. But by the time she walked around from behind reception the elderly lady had reached her bags and was picking them up. Struggling. Me being the overly emotional person I am got in the car and broke down crying.

My brain starts going down a path of ‘what if there’s no-one at home waiting for her?’. I’ve had professional help for this thought process where I cry too much and spiral.

Another elderly man dropped something and I asked if he wants me to pick it up for him. Before all this sh*t I wouldn’t ask, i’d just do it without hesitation. But I want to respect people’s boundaries. He was also walking very slowly down a corridor and I wasn’t going to overtake him. The nurse was confused why I hadn’t walked in her room yet so came back out. I pointed that he’d dropped something. Again, feeling like an idiot I said ‘shall I pick it up for him?’.

We are living in strange times. I’d want someone to help my mum. Even if she is high risk. Fortunately she has a carer go everywhere with her. She can’t converse on her own.

I’m not good in waiting rooms for anything. It’s weird. I don’t understand panic attacks but I know when I haven’t slept and i’m upset about something in my personal life, for some reason that with the addition of sitting in a quiet waiting room, I feel the familiar sting behind my eyes. Last time it was at hospital and the doctor asked if I was ok. Burst out crying. Full on bright red. I hate it.

I feel so fragile all the time, but I think that’s why it’s so important to be so selective over who I share my life with. I found out my paranoia wasn’t paranoia after all. I just think it’s a super shitty .. actually no. I won’t go into it. My best friend said ‘i’m proud of you’ when I said i’d finally spoken up. Tears. I’m convinced in addition to lack of sleep and poor diet and lack of exercise, the constant crying is why I look so haggard.

I’m not going to ignore red flags anymore. I’m going to love myself more. I’m not going to be afraid of people’s capacity to be malicious. I’ve known some morally bankrupt people and their behaviour unnerved me. I can’t associate with that. No matter how small my circles gets. Amazingly it’s getting bigger. It’s weird. I’m far more guarded and careful now. I fall in friend (and love) far too easily.

After the fall out with the friend I mentioned earlier, I was a bit of a state. I heard she was too and I hate that I could have caused her any pain. But it was misinterpreted and I stand by my need to not self censor. I speak kind of sassy when i’m heated. Separate Situations that have nuances can get misconstrued into my shit talk. But I can’t live like that anymore. It’s anxiety inducing.

I had a friend who put a joke about looking like she had a stroke coming out the dentist whilst she knew my mum was in hospital having survived a stroke. My mums face was still dropped at the time. I felt a little hurt. Maybe she could have blocked me seeing that. But I knew it wasn’t about me. I knew it was perhaps a little insensitive to my mum’s situation but I knew there was no malicious intent.

I’ve ignored friends trying (whilst drunk) to get in my ex boyfriends’ pants in front of me. Kissing my boyfriend (whilst drunk, knowing it was him, having two minutes prior saying he’s wearing a mask… the fact there was a mask between their lips is why I didn’t go full savage. I’m not threatened by most other women really. Only bf’s exes. For some reason the ex thing f*cks me up and makes me lose my sanity a little. I’ve worked on that).

I’ve gotten past friends laughing at me when i’m having panic attacks (family too). Put my crushed heart aside. And the same family members friends went on to suffer anxiety. I didn’t laugh in their faces or ridicule them.

I’ve stayed friends with people who told me they slept with their friend’s boyfriends when they’re asleep in the next room. This is my own fault really. Every cell in my body was like ‘nah dude, that aint it’ but I convinced myself if I walked away i’m ‘too judgemental’. You know, maybe had I been judgemental and trusted my instincts i’d have saved a lot of pain later. If someone show’s you a complete disregard for other’s feelings and wellbeing, love yourself enough to not be in their space anymore. Platonic love can be as blinding as romantic love. You try so hard to convince yourself you’re wrong for judging and to focus on just the beautiful aspects of a person’s soul. But that illusion slowly gets chipped away at. And you’re left a mess and angry at yourself and utterly heartbroken.

I really don’t think i’m super judgemental. I think when I love someone I look past that. Maybe moving forward I will be a bit more ‘nah, that’s not cool. Bye felicia’.

Who knows.

I think you have to morally be on the same wavelength to be close to another human. You need to be able to communicate and converse. There needs to be trust. Fuck me, I trust my two closest friends with my soul. to my core. I won’t be with a guy I can’t trust. I’d rather be single. (and I don’t like being single).

I’m not living in fear of ‘getting on the wrong side’ of people anymore. I’ve survived some shit man. I’ve lived knowing bad people have ‘it in’ for me. If petty people seek validation and need to get it from a shared disdain for a person, and want to lower their integrity even further in the process, that’s their business. Not mine.

I’ll never understand the mentality of ‘vengence’ or ‘payback’. That’s some toxic shit.

I hope they realise ‘living well is the best revenge’ if that’s what they seek.

Not sure it’s revenge though, as I hope everyone lives well. I hope everyone grows. Takes accountability for their actions or damage they’ve done to others and just finds their happy. True happy.

Peace. x