‘Sleep doesn’t help if it ‘s your soul that’s tired’.

Something like that.

I honestly realise that the very few people who have said that I ‘feel sorry for myself’ are bellends. Those who know me know that’s so far removed from the truth. I am so hard on myself. I remember pretty much every mistake i’ve made. I remember once an old friend added me on facebook and I apologised for telling a secret of hers to another mutual friend at school. She didn’t remember what I was talking about even though it was a huge deal at the time and I’ve never let myself forget it. Another person I apologised to said ‘you can’t live regretting the past’. I understand that, but I can’t not apologise when I owe an apology.

Even after being owed so many apologies and never being on the receiving end of them. I’ve known so many people who never hold themselves accountable for their actions. People who really so have a shitty sense of perspective and don’t hold themselves accountable. I’m related to people who i’ve never heard utter the words ‘sorry’. Sincerely or insincerely. I just think it’s not in some people’s vocabulary.

I only apologise sincerely.

Realising how little you matter to people cuts deep. Especially after you’ve been there for others so much (often to your own detriment). It’s hurts. It sucks.

Trauma, the injustice, the absolute abuse and hostility from people and the anxiety. I often wonder how to survive this sort of pain. I have those thoughts too often. How i’m so f*cking fragile and I hate it. People have told me that i’m strong. Some even ‘the strongest person they know’. But how can I be when I’m so sensitive and easily shaken? I’m always on the edge of tears. Even when having a good time. It’s still there. It’s just pushed down. I hate it.

I watched an episode of Gordon Ramsey’s kitchen nightmares from ten years ago and I ended up crying because the elderly man who owned the restaurant couldn’t handle the social interaction. He was used to being in the kitchen and Gordon sent him out to be front of house. It really upset me. Just seeing him struggle and knowing how that feels. I know in the grand scheme of things people are facing danger every day. I know that. I have a sense of perspective where I don’t often allow myself to enjoy much. If I win a competition I feel guilt. I find much more joy in sharing or giving it away. I’m not a saint. I just am painfully aware of ‘someone else has it worse’.

Just before my dad died I had asked friends to help me contribute to a charity I care about. I would link it here, as I like to promote charities but I don’t want anyone to find such a personal blog post that knows me other than close friends. We ended up with a huge haul of products (Everyone was so generous). It kept me busy the week following the news of my Dad’s death. The drop off location as in the porch of a beautiful big church. It was about 7.30pm and dark so two of my friends and I walked through the cemetery with a torch. The charity contacted my friend and asked for my info to share a post on social media (as he’d had a chat with them and they asked how we knew about the charity etc…). I’m an anonymous charity giver (unless raising awareness) so when I found out that he’d passed on my info and saw the tag and the write up I was really upset with my friend. I was a bit of a tw@ to be honest. It was a lovely caption they wrote, and it was to acknowledge what my friends and family did as well. I realise that now. That I needed to get the f*ck over it and f*ck what anyone else thinks. I didn’t need to be pissed that my name was acknowledged in a thank you message. It made me cringe but that’s my own issues. I think because I have never liked seeing people brag about what they do for charity. I think if you’re able to help, then why wouldn’t you? I’ve known awful people who write big cheques for the clout. Super cringe. If you read this, i’m so sorry. I’ve said it to you multiple times but you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry that I was so stubborn and making you feel that you did.

When I feel like I don’t belong in the world (and unsettling feeling that’s always there) and it’s just not somewhere i’m ever going to feel ok, I remember that even if I just dedicated my life solely to helping others then that’s worth sticking around for. But sometimes even that doesn’t keep me focused. Sometimes I feel so low about myself that I think people I love would be better off without me here. I come with so much baggage. I ignore advice and befriend anyone ignoring red flags and it seems to invite people to take advantage and be absolute c*nts to me. I can hold my own and be sassy AF back after a while, but I do tolerate a lot before I reach savage mode. A mode I rarely reach anymore. I just like to walk away with dignity and try not to give in to the bitter taste injustice leaves. I hate that I have to have the last word, i’ve changed that.

I don’t understand how people can do awful things and not feel remorse. HOW? no really, HOW? How people can know they’ve hurt someone so deeply and not care. I don’t understand it. I don’t think I ever will. When I think about people’s coldness it’s often when i’m in a really bad headspace. Which has been a lot recently. I’ve not been well for a while now. I’m hurting so bad. I’m angry but mostly hurt by so much. I don’t know how to get past this amount of pain. I feel sick. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to keep crying. I hate that I find the smallest things so difficult. I hate that i’m so fragile. My friends have assured me time and again that they don’t feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me, and that should reassure me but the cruel words of others stick in my head. ‘You’re a burden’, ‘You belong in a mental home’, ‘so when do we think Stacey will hang herself?’.

Why do I let the words of people I have little to no respect for affect me so badly? I’ve felt inferior to others my whole life. Certainly since I was 5. I now know the point where it first occurred to me that others are more important than me. I’m 34 and still haven’t been able to shift this. It’s affected so much of my life and relationships.

To be fair, it turned out my most recent ex did think his exes were better than me (that’s more than evident for a plethora of reasons), but I know my soul and my heart, yet I don’t love myself enough? I’m starting to think that will never change.

Sure, I can lose the weight, succeed career wise, have a glow up… but i’ve been much slimmer. I’ve been doing well. Yet I can’t shake the feeling. I honestly think having a best friend growing up for 17 years that I always was so protective over and always loved, to find out she didn’t feel remotely the same loyalty or compassion for me, that has left deep scars.

To realise my siblings loathe me, even though I have every reason to loathe them, and i’m the one who had to tolerate their spitefulness, that hurts so incredibly bad. I don’t think of them often. They’re not in my life anymore but the pain is just there. Pushed down deep. I don’t think i’ll ever recover from that. The injustice of their hypocrisy and the awful nasty things they said and did. I have anger and resentment and it’s as if I can feel bile in my throat from all the words I didn’t say. It’s burning and won’t go away but to try and have a rational discussion with people like that is never a good idea. I learnt that lesson long ago. There’s no reasoning. No finding of common ground. So I have to just try and get over it. It’s unfair but life’s unfair. I know. But it sucks.

Again, i’m no saint. I had some acid tongue moments. I was reactionary and at times I’d lose my temper and lash out in retaliation. But it’s not even in the same vicinity of harsh as what I endured. Whether they were manipulated or not. They’re old enough to self reflect now. I need to realise had we not have DNA that matches i’d never associate with people like that and I need to remind myself of that. How unwell it made me having them in my life. How i’d shake with nerves when one of them visited my parent’s house. Scared to say hello because i’d have some nasty thing snapped at me. It was hell. I never have to tolerate that again. But why can’t I just shake the pain off? I don’t dwell. I really don’t. But it hurts. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. I could cry on queue at any moment how much sadness I carry. That would be a pretty cool skill for an actor. But I hate it. I hate feeling constantly on the verge of tears all the time.

I am so blessed in so many ways. Every day i’m thankful for my eye sight, my hearing, my limbs, the ability to walk. I never take those for granted. Even before my mother was left disabled following the stroke. I’ve always reminded myself of my blessings. I find it really hard to admit I had a bit of a shitty childhood at times (understatement) because people had it even worse. Even in therapy I couldn’t admit it without acknowledging people who were worse off that i’d read about or heard about. Three different professionals said I need to be kinder to myself. That it’s something to be proud of that I didn’t turn out bitter, or cold, or spiteful or worse.

One thing I do perhaps dwell on is, if the awful dark parts of my childhood didn’t happen how would my life be today. I know that’s not healthy but I do wonder. Would I have been more successful in life. I’ve gone through life struggling over the smallest things. From infancy. Too afraid to play and interact with other children. Having to start school a week later than the other kids because I caused such a scene screaming and clinging to my mum’s legs the teachers told my mum I wasn’t ready. Having to sit at the teacher’s desk because I couldn’t handle sitting with the other kids. What lovely teachers I had back then. They knew something was up with me and I remember I got in trouble for telling them the truth about one issue. Bruises. (tame compared to the other issue). As an adult I cannot tolerate dishonesty. A child shouldn’t face an angry parent for telling the truth that a sibling caused the bruises. No matter how embarrassed being called into the school made that parent. That’s f*cked up. I’ve spoken to that parent about it since. It wasn’t ok. I don’t want to hold resentment but so many similar things have hurt me. When I did the right thing and got punished or shouted at. Looking back, if I have a kid like I was (aside from the anger issues at times) I would be so proud.

It wasn’t fair. I know ‘Life isn’t fair’. I grew up being told ‘Life’s a bitch and then you die, Deal with it’. I’ll never teach my children that. Of course I won’t teach them it’s all rainbows and sunshine, but f*ck me, I won’t be so pessimistic.

I struggle with thoughts of will my mental fragility and extreme sensitivity to a harsh world make me a shitty parent. How can I raise a kid when I find life so hard. I’d never let a child see that side. But I worry would they be able to tell. Would my lack of self esteem impact them negatively? Would my overly emotionally ass realistically be able to always hide my emotions from little eyes and ears?

I know I will mentally struggle with pregnancy. The idea of people seeing me with a baby bump and knowing how that happened feels me with shame. Yet I think other pregnant women are so beautiful. I think it’s lovely. But I already know how i’ll want to hide away from anyone who knows me until my little tiny human is born. I have so many issues. I have no business procreating yet, but the biological clock is ticking.

That’s what hurts about my last relationship. I begged him at the beginning to not waste my time. To not hurt me. To never lie to me. He did all of the above. Clearly feels no remorse for how much hurt he’s caused someone he once claimed to love. I was so hesitant to stay close with him in the beginning. I kept trying to break up and he persisted. Yet after he used me I was old news pretty fast. No trying to apologise. No self accountability. Just a shitty person. So selfish. Cruel. Callous. and the fucking ego of that dude. Unreal. Good luck to whoever is in his sights next. Yeah, I dodged a bullet. But again, that’s damaged me. I already feel anxious about meeting anyone. I’ve made plans with a few people, but that’s not likely to happen for some time and even then I just want to hang out with cool people and be transparent, I dig their vibe as friends.

Even friendships I have walls up now. I see a red flag, I take a step back. Recently I realised there were too many red flags with a few people I was quite friendly with and kind of stepped away. I won’t make the same mistakes again.

When you go through absolute hell you realise who you matter to. Who really cares that you’re doing ok. Who feels obligated to show they give a bit of a shit about you. Who doesn’t give a single F. It’s brutal and moving forward I can’t handle that again. I need clarity. Of course you have acquaintances and that’s healthy. But I mean friends. Boyfriends. People who you’d move mountains to be there for them.

Anyway, I feel drained. So my little blog diary place where I vent to get it out of my system has another happy post. I hope one day I read this back and i’m in such a better place. That’s the goal.

Stace x