I have a fear of hospitals. I don’t think it’s because i’ve seen more than one loved one pass away in hospitals, in those cases I managed to focus on them.  I wonder if it comes from my head injuries as a child.  I remember some parts of one visit. I’m not sure if it’s the time I fell of the top bunk and a metal pole from a toy cradle that was damaged was what my head landed on. Or the time i’d just been to see Santa and my big brother was chasing me with a toy gun and I ran into a door frame (not his fault, we were kids and I should have looked where I was going).

Either way, I’ll never forget the waiting room and i’ll never forget the hospital room. I remember some of the staff drew me care bears on a piece of paper.  As a child I experienced a lot of cruelty from adults, but this was such a kind gesture. I wish I still had that piece of paper. I’d cherish it because I am ridiculously sentimental. But I was so tiny, I have no idea where it went. I’ve never seen it in our attic, even before we moved house when I was 11.  I remember things from when I was very young.  Younger than some professionals claim is the youngest you can remember.

Today I had to go into hospital for an appointment that was rescheduled due to the lockdown. I was so nervous. Even though I was nervous last night, my best friend managed to make me laugh. I was drying my hair at 10.30pm and getting a little worked up that I couldn’t find the masks I bought to wear.  He was looking around the house or masks that i’d misplaced.  After 15 minutes he said he couldn’t find the masks I bought. I said ‘Oh no, I don’t want to have to wear one of [other housemate’s] masks’ (he’s a joiner so has masks for woodworking).  My friend then said ‘OH! That kind of mask. I’ve been looking or a beauty mask’.

He thought I was concerned about doing a facial before a gynaecology appointment. He thought at almost 11pm at night I was worried because I might not have time to pamper my skin.  Why on earth would I care about my face glowing or a trip to the gynaecologist?

 

He’s hilarious. He said ‘I don’t know, you worry about dumb sh*t all the time’. I said ‘but a beauty face mask’ and he said ‘IT’S YOU!’

To be fair, I do like to maintain a good skincare routine.

 

So I had to go alone, and surprisingly I was ok. I was slightly early (for once). Even though I hate waiting rooms because I have a tendency to have panic attacks in them, I was ok. Maybe breathing in carbon dioxide helped. Maybe the mask helped. At one point I felt myself getting anxious but surprisingly I managed to calm myself.

I was so relieved I had a female doctor. The guy I was supposed to have my appointment with had amazing reviews so i’d have been ok if it was him, but I wasn’t so keen on the last guy I saw. Possibly because I’d never seen a male doctor for a ‘lady’ appointment before. He wasn’t bad at his job, I just didn’t feel comfortable at points. Even though I had a friend with me.

Today I was so worried i’d need local anaesthetic. The GP I saw (another lady, I don’t go to my family GP for women’s issues, I usually book an appointment with his wife, he’s a lovely doctor but I prefer to see a woman for things like this)… But it turns out I didn’t need an injection. I was so relieved. The room was full of women, interns. I’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy since the last time I went to a hospital and I honestly think it put me at ease. Last time I think i’d have freaked out with so many people in the room. But I just thought of season 1 and Meredith and friends learning. It was fine. I had some messages of support from some new friends i’d spoken to and it was really lovely.   Maybe being a bit more open about your fears isn’t so bad.

I’m incredibly squeamish and I told the doctor this. She said ‘are you sure you don’t want to see?’ and feeling brave I said ‘ok, i’ll educate myself’ and I looked at the screen. I think my reaction proved how squeamish I am. Never again. She did warn me that everything is magnified, but still, nope. I can’t deal. Grim.

 

I will try to keep busy the next four weeks until I find out if it’s cancerous or not. I made the mistake of reading other people’s stories. BAD STACEY! I am calm right now, but I know i’ll have moments of terror because my brain works that way.

I applied for another job today, and have been really busy with working lately since re  launching my business, which is yet to go online. I’ve also taken up some old hobbies. One of my closest friends bought me two blank canvases because he’s incredibly kind and i’d been mentioning I might want to get back into painting as a hobby.  He decided to make sure I had no excuses. F*ck, I know some thoughtful AF people. I’ve made some new friends during lockdown too. How am I THAT person? I’ve been on socially distanced ‘runs’ with one of my new friends. Although, I walked a lot, she’s incredibly fit and in amazing shape so I felt I slowed her down. But she keeps inviting me so I haven’t put her off. She’s got good banter too. She’s super gorgeous but I decided to get the f*ck over myself and not care what I look like in comparison to someone so beautiful. I feel my inferiority complex may finally stop holding me back in life. I hope this is the case.

Only I could go from years of not making any new friends to making friends during times of social distancing during a pandemic!  I’ve never been normal, so hey, at least i’m consistent and not as ‘basic’ as I like to pretend I am.

 

I’m not going to stress out whether I get this job. I’d really like to work outside of my home again as it gets quite lonely. But I won’t get my hopes up. It’s part time as I do want to work on my business and unpaid projects I really need to focus on. But it would be nice to be really busy again.

A few weeks/months ago I was in such a bad place. It’s amazing how fast things can change. I was worried that my trust issues would hinder me from making any more connections and yet i’m making more plans than ever for the future.

Maybe it’s true, you have to hit rock bottom (2012 was almost rock bottom, 2015 was definitely rock bottom, and not so long ago was a steady decline in that direction)… but I didn’t hit the ground this time. I climbed the f*ck back up.

 

I think I allowed myself to feel the pain deeply of a few issues, well 3 in particular that all occurred around the same time, cried it out,  but i’ve managed to come back with an enthusiasm I thought i’d lost forever. I feel braver too.

 

Face your fears guys.  I’ve spent too much of my life afraid of everything. It’s no way to live. Push yourselves. I promise it will be worth it.

Stace x