I have been living in the past too long. It’s been almost 3 years since I got dragged back to the past, and I finally hope I can move on now. I cut some more ties I needed to cut and I just want to heal and find peace.

 

With regards to the icky ‘break up’ i’m still really hurt by it. But I refuse to be a person that hurts someone because they’ve been awful. No. That was me many years ago. I’d lash out and I could have an acid tongue in anger, but not anymore.

I do use this blog to vent though.

I can imagine him and his family trying to make an excuse for his behaviour. I can imagine them saying i’m manipulative. If you know me, that is so far removed from my character. They have been consistent making excuses for him, and I guess at least it would be consistent.

 

When I thought about this this other day, I spoke to a friend about the relationship looking back and how every time I tried to call it off or just be friends he’s say ‘have you taken your pills today? You only say this when you haven’t taken your pills’.  I didn’t even realise how manipulative this is. My friend said ‘gaslighting’ but i’m not a professional so I said I don’t think it’s a case of that. But it wasn’t fair. Every time I saw a red flag or he’d hurt me or I couldn’t deal with the long distance he’d talk me out of it. I’m a grown woman but I’d end up feeling bad and he’d convince me it’s because I had forgotten my medication.

 

Dude, I shouldn’t need 150 mg sertraline to want to be in a relationship with you.

 

I remember how he looked at me and continued to shout when I was in tears. The coldness. I’ve known a lot of cold people in my time, it always unnerves me. I never expected that from him. I think I got to know the real ‘him’ when he came out of rehab.

I will always be grateful I managed (along with others) to convince him to go to rehab, but I’ll always have a scar from the monumental douche that came out.  He said it was ‘riding the wave’ because the ego is built in there. Everyone tells you how great you are. I’d like to think some people come out humble, I dig humility. He had such a massive ego.  He was a better musician than everyone. (did I just roll my eyes out loud?). He was filled with such bitterness. That his band mates chose marriage and kids over seeking fame. I don’t blame them. He didn’t just go and find a new band, he wallowed.

 

I don’t have time for that shit. I’m so exhausted by bitter assholes who never hold themselves accountable and don’t apologise for the selfish unkind shit they do. I’ve known too many.  I can’t associate with those kind of people beyond a polite ‘hello’. I just don’t like being in their presence. The energy, it just drains me.

 

He told me he’s not ready to apologise yet. Ready? He said the same when he drunkenly made his sister’s friend cry by making a joke about her boyfriend. I told him life is short and to apologise incase he doesn’t get the chance. Personally, I cannot sleep until I’ve apologised to someone I owe an apology to. The king of excuses said ‘no, i’ll apologise to her in person’. Knowing he wouldn’t see her for ages.  What a shitty attitude. To not want to rectify a wrong. To not want to contribute to making the girl’s heart less hurt.

Maybe it serves me right for ignoring all these red flags. But why on earth do I need his apology?

He’s not a good person. His ‘best friend’ is shady and warned me about him at length on the phone then denied to his fiancé that he ever spoke to me, called his parent’s enablers (to which I took offence, but I later realised maybe I shouldn’t have been so defensive).

He constantly complained about his mum, who did so much for him and the people in rehab. Some of them didn’t have parents. Yet he moaned and called her to bring him things from home then bragged about how ‘kind’ he was donating. Cringe.

I posted on his socials every day (yes, I said socials) because a) I didn’t want anyone to wonder why he was absent b) I wanted him to know I thought of him every day. I wanted him to come out to so many notifications and smile. But no, a complete joke about me being with child which every one this side of the pond knew was a joke (I was in the middle of home sense with a piece of card, clearly, it was a joke), but the drama. I apologised to a lot of strangers that I apparently stressed out.

I was a 33 year old woman. The prospect of me being with child shouldn’t be such a huge issue!  My ex said it’s because they knew he couldn’t handle being a dad. Oh lovely, so it’s ok for me to not be warned he was an alcoholic, but also someone whose family freaks out at the possibility he gets his girlfriend pregnant. That’s too messy for me. I come with baggage but holy shit, i’m not a child.  I don’t need my mum there every time i’m on FaceTime. Nice of him to let me know his family were there listening. I don’t regret anything i said, apart from something inappropriate he did that I called him out on and soon realised his mother was across from him.

My mother is far from perfect. But had my mother (or stepdad) heard me scream and shout at anyone the way he screamed and shouted at me (whilst I was in tears, after standing by him more than anyone ever has in his life according to him), no-one called him out on it.

He would scream at them. I don’t walk around on tiptoes for anyone.

He’s clearly troubled. I do not wish him harm. I know he doesn’t read my blog.

I told him I don’t feel safe with him. Rather than try and understand me his tone became so unnerving. So hostile. I didn’t say it in a shitty way, I was pouring my heart out. Then he confirmed why I don’t feel safe with him. His capacity to be cruel took me back to being around bad people from my past.  He said some awful things to me. Unforgivable things.

My friends were furious but stayed out of it because they’re mature. They told me he didn’t deserve a place in my heart. I mistook it initially as bias because they loved me. This friend hadn’t met him. They hadn’t spoken to him before. But I got defensive when one called him a basement dweller. I argued with them, they said they have compassion for an alcoholic, they’re not well. But to speak to poorly of others when you live with your parents again (after allegedly almost burning your housemates down), moving back in, working for your parents where you can just not turn up for work and never lose your job, drive your car without insurance (not sure what MOT is over in The States)….  they explained they’re not looking down on him and they shouldn’t have referred to him as that, but he’s living up to a stereotype of a bitter man living with his parents being a shitty human to others. Using others. There’s no shame in needing help. At all, so I still take issue with the comment, but I think seeing me cry that much they were so angry at this dude.

I still try to think what he ever did for me. Other than stress me out and make me sick with worry. Lie to me repeatedly, accuse my best friend of still being in love with me, be rude to my parents, shout at me.  Sure, I could be a dick. I trolled on dating sites when he got black out drunk and was mean to me. I never once was inappropriate and would have had no problem letting him look through my phone (as long as he didn’t demand it).

His family can talk shit about me, but I got him to finally go to rehab. He said he went because of me (although he told a girl he met there that she was the reason he stayed. It wasn’t as bad as it sounds, but at the time I wasn’t happy!).

They can talk crap about me, and I like to pretend that doesn’t hurt. It does.  I was lied to by their son/brother. My parents were disrespected by their son/brother. I was guilted back into being in a relationship with him, always telling me I need to take my pills. I still wanted to call it off even when I was on schedule with my medication so there’s that.  I was repeatedly spoken to like crap by him.  Pressured by him which I won’t talk about here.  Yet I still stayed up all night even with the 5 hour time difference to make sure he was ok.  Hearing him projectile vomitting from drinking a terrifying amount of vodka.

Everything was always justified by them as the alcohol. It’s the alcohol lying, it’s the alcohol being selfish, it’s the alcohol breaking the law.  But what about now? When he’s sober? That’s not the alcohol shouting at me? That’s not the alcohol seeing me crying, full on sobbing and continuing to shout at me.  I still hear his voice, I want to un hear it.  I loved his voice when I first heard him. When he sang. But toward the end his voice brought me so much discomfort. So maybe it’s for the best he will never reach out and apologise.

He used me. He sent me photos of his ex early on which didn’t do much for my self esteem (she was gorgeous, all of his exes were just so beautiful). Maybe that’s why I was so easy to get over? Because I wasn’t them.  I never understood how one of his exes literally ghosted him after they’d been intimate together for 3 months, that was bizarre to me. Ghosting? gross. I never understood why one ex held a grudge against him and her whole family did, he pretty much said they’re just trashy and love drama, but I kind of wonder now if he did really crush this girl. Also called Stacey.  One of the others left him for another guy, which is not ok. After 5 years. So unbelievably harsh. But maybe he mistreated her. Maybe he didn’t and she really was a selfish sociopath like he described her. I don’t know. But it has crossed my mind that maybe he spoke to her like he spoke to me?   I’d never have ghosted him. I don’t even believe in the silent treatment, I think that’s so cruel. I’ve cut ties from people before but had any of them reached out to ask why i’d have poured my heart out. Sometimes I had repeatedly and I had to walk away because they were abusive or even worse.

All I did in the end was ask him to take accountability. He told me he’s not ready to apologise and that I don’t understand the male ego. I spoke to a few other guys from the States since him, one of them was the creator of a meme page I liked. He said the male ego is BS. It’s not an ‘american thing’. It’s a douche thing. He also said the comment about ‘i’ll love our kids more than I love you’ was weird and unnecessary. Not that I needed any validation, but to rule out maybe it was a culture clash, it just confirmed what I already knew.

It’s not fair, man. I had walls up. I was so hesitant to get involved with him. I asked him to not come here. Every step of the way I resisted so much. I tried to be sensible so to say I completely ignored red flags wouldn’t exactly be fair. I should have ended it sooner. I grew to care a lot about his mum and his sisters and even his cousin and a few of his friends followed me and spoke to me (which i’m wondering if that’s an American thing because i’ve never experienced that. It was really open and just out there. Maybe us Brits are a bit more uptight, we don’t just add our friend’s/families new partner).  I invested too much time, energy, money and far too big of a piece of my heart into this dude and he’s crushed me. He feels no remorse. That’s more than evident.

He is really that selfish. I didn’t want to believe it. I really allowed myself to get involved with another selfish prick. I feel so dumb. Used, gross and stupid. I don’t even want his apology anymore. He’s not a good person. He’s not evil, I think he has a lot of growing to do. But he is not my kind of human. I should have known that early on from the shitty things he did and said. Alcoholism may have had its grip on him, and that hurts my heart even to this day, to know he’s suffered. I hope he’s sober still. But even sober, he was a bit of a shit. (understatement).

His loss. I don’t care if that sounds conceited. I may not be beautiful or stunning (like his many exes), I may not have a kick ass career at this point, i’m flawed af but f*ck me do I have a good heart and soul.  I can be a sassy b*tch at times (which I regret, but i’ve also came a long way with my anger issues), but my heart is full of love. He wasn’t deserving of it. I really did love him.  I think i’m always going to have love for him as a human and hope he stays well and finds happiness, I just hope he doesn’t tread on or crush anyone else to get there. Maybe he will get his shit together and meet a chick he’ll genuinely love and not treat her like crap, maybe not. It’s none of my business. I just hope she learns who he is very quickly and doesn’t fall for the facade that my dumb ass initially swooned over. ‘He’s so nice’.  He once said he’s a better actor than a Hollywood actor he went to high school with (won’t name the guy, but it didn’t please him that it was a dude I had thought was really hot, and people called the next Leonardo DiCaprio.. or that he was in a marvel movie)… he once said he was a better actor than him. He literally said ‘I can act better than him’.   You know, maybe for once he was telling the truth.