I’ve had a friend about a year and a half. He’s 15 years my senior.  I’d name him Mr. B but that sounds like i’m trying to be Carrie Bradshaw and I could never pull off that tutu. I’m too overweight. That’s when I know i’m at my goal weight. When I can wear a tutu and not look like one of those shower things people lather up and rub all over their bodies.

 

Mr B. I knew he was wealthy, well I had an idea, however I found out just how wealthy recently. He didn’t flex, he was trying to explain the stock market to me (my dumb ass thought the graphs were a heart rate monitor).  I was asking what the numbers meant.

He has over £60 M.  Yes. 60 million. S I X T Y    M I L L I O N.  However he’s not retiring until he’s at £100 M.  I don’t think i’ll ever relate to such a goal, but everyone has different measures of success.

When I dared saying ‘maybe you don’t need to reach that point?” he wasn’t happy.  What do I know? My broke ass shouldn’t even voice an opinion. This was after he repeatedly felt the need to tell me what i’m doing wrong with my life. I just thought £100M was excessive.. not that 60 isn’t. I wasn’t being a smart arse, I just thought £60 was more than enough to retire on and he’d constantly been criticising me.  I never got personal about the awful things he has done. That he told me about that made me realise I don’t ever want to have this person closer than arms length. People who have the capacity to be cruel, or malicious or ‘ruthless’ really make me feel uncomfortable. I’ve known many people like that.  Where I can’t wrap my head around their behaviour. I can’t see any justification for it. I always try to. To withhold judgment, be understanding, try to think objectively and see it from every angle and there comes a point you just have to accept some people are just wired differently and have different morals (or evidently, lack of)  and priorities.

He’s insanely rich. AND YET that doesn’t give him the right to force his opinion on me. Regarding my previous relationship. Or myself. Or ask inappropriate questions about my ex that really made me feel icky. No dude. Not cool. I’m always so conscious that i’m a prude that I push myself to where i’m not comfortable. To try and prove to myself I’m carefree and not uptight. Not anymore. I think i’ll just accept that I cringe a lot and i’m always going to be a bit conservative around that sort of thing. I’d rather put a campfire out with my face than attend and Anne Summer’s party.

In all honesty it made me incredibly uncomfortable that he confided in me the extent of his wealth. My own prejudice maybe, But I get really uncomfortable around people with a lot of money.  At that point I was like ‘arms length’.  I will work on getting over that judgemental side of myself as it’s not fair, but so far everyone i’ve known with a lot of money has been a bit of a dick (understatement). I’ve seen friends changed by money. I’ve seen people argue over someone’s will and their inheritance whilst the person is dying. I find talking about money really uncomfortable but with this friend I was amusing myself and ripping him. (Told him he’s practically poor compared to Leo D because he has £300 Million, he then told me he knows people on the periphery of his fund and it’s more like he has £170 million. Oh my bad *eye roll*).  But I did find it incredibly awkward so I kept cracking jokes.

He told me what even his sister doesn’t know. His own sister doesn’t know about his financial situation fully as apparently the brother in law is a bit of a talker. He didn’t want it broadcasted. I said ‘why are you telling me?’ he said it’s cathartic and ‘who are you going to tell?’. Fair point.  I mean, the only people who read my blog are my friends, some family, a few internet strangers and some bitter people from my past. It’s always interesting the birthday spike I get. Every year on my birthday I get a big spike in post  views and page visits.

 

Eventually I said ‘I could say a lot about you too dude’. He pushed and pushed and I said the garage full of flash cars and super model Ukranian dating site chicks are a fucking cliche.  To which he said, ‘grow up’.

 

Grow Up.

 

It’s always so interesting to me how it’s always the most immature of people backed into a corner who throw that out there. 4 people now in my life have said those words to me, 3 of them I’m related to and are immoral, pretty and not to be harsh, but morons. Every time’s i’ve asked anyone to explain how I need to grow up, they can’t.  It’s when they don’t have anything of value to bring to the discussion and realise I won’t back down until I reach a resolution or we walkaway respectfully. Neither was an option with these type of people.  No. Raised voices or violence. Fun. Not.  Fuck me am I glad I no longer associate with that.

It’s always ‘grow up’. I’m yet to hear someone who’s not a complete tool say it.  Couldn’t elaborate on how I need to grow up. How i’m immature. Reminded me of when some one of the moron relatives of mine (estranged now) used to say ‘you know nothing about the world. You don’t have kids’.  Ok, so I know less than the 18 year old on Jeremy Kyle with a bunch of kids. OK. You’re so well travelled.  Apparently opening your legs and having kids means you’re really wise. How many amazing scientists or philosophers didn’t have kids? But Sharon on Jeremy Kyle knows more than them because she popped out half a dozen kids.  Yes. Good logic there you intelligent being. Not at all dumb. *Face palm*

 

So, Mr Millionaire doesn’t have kids, yet invested in Tesla and Gold and is now crazy minted, would like to see him have a discussion with my relative.  I’d find that really interesting. Actually, no I wouldn’t. I’d rather watch my garden fence dry after it’s rained.

So when this guy wouldn’t back off with his opinions, I dared to criticise his life choices in return.

He said I felt sorry for myself because i’m 34, haven’t met anyone yet and i’m thinking of my biological clock. I think that’s embarrassing that someone’s that narrow minded. I don’t view the world as ‘woe is me’ and have the world’s smallest violin serenading me. I just am real about things. I’m pretty open. My biological clock is sticking and i’m realistic about it. I’d never settle or bring a kid into the world until i’m confident it would be a sensible move. I’m not selfish enough to just have a kid because i’m running out of time. If that means I never have the privilege of being a mother, it’s a risk I have to take.

Even 100 million can’t buy you youth and maybe he should do some research. I’m single at 34. I don’t want to meet someone and straight away have a child. I don’t even dare to confirm the percentage of the amount of eggs i’ve lost by this point in my life. Also health risks rise the older you are for the baby. So If I feel a little bit down about that, I think that’s pretty fair. I’m the most grateful person for my blessings. In therapy and emotional support, separately, I was told I need to have more compassion for myself. That I have more compassion for the awful childhoods of the people who hurt me as a kid, than I do for myself when I make any mistakes. (I’ve made many, I used to have anger issues and an acid tongue. Not anymore though.)

Oh he always told me i’ll forever be the victim if i’m never ruthless. I told him how I’d never be a ruthless person. Unless my family was in danger and I had to eliminate the threat. You know, Michael Myers is chasing us. Then i’d be ruthless. I’m guessing he means ruthless in business? Maybe he meant in life in general?

Either way, fuck that.

I never want to be ruthless.

I won’t share on here some of the things he’s done to others in retaliation, and he doesn’t seem to feel remorse, he seemed pretty pleased with himself.

 

Here’s the thing.. I don’t even wish pain or misery on the people who have literally abused me. I don’t. I’ll never get what I need. Apologies, remorse. An acknowledgment of how fucked up it was and how damaging.  I just want to forget their existence which is pretty much impossible right now.  I hope anyone can get help and become better humans, but some people really are just vile c*nts. They’re awful. They don’t have beautiful souls. They’ve let the pain they’ve endured in life make them hard and cruel and i’d go as far as to say ‘evil’. Truly. I don’t use that term lightly.

Yet this dude, did some really bad shit, or had a part to play in it, and in his head it seems justified. I’ll never be able to understand that mentality.  It made me incredibly uncomfortable.  I have been a bitch in my life, I’ve said things I regret. Does things in anger I regret, but I also improved myself. Not on the surface, I really dug deep and cleaned out the wounds in the hope of finally healing.  But I’ve never been cruel. I’ve never wished harm to people. I’d never be able to see a person crying and not want to provide some comfort, be it a hug or some kind reassuring words. Even people who have been horrific to me growing up. Even bitchy girls who planned ambushes on me with their family just because I wanted my video back and they wouldn’t be mature and pass it to a mutual friend. They said I had to go to their house to pick it up and I found out the big sister was visiting and the mum, and the younger sister were hiding in a room ready to pounce. (Yet i’m the mentally unstable one? OK then). But even if I saw one of those absolute assholes in emotional distress, I’d just feel compassion. I really would. I’m not patting myself on the back here. Truthfully I often wish I could be harder and less ‘soft’. I feel like a walkover at times. But hey, I’ve been told this softness is rare so even if it makes me ‘weaker’ than others, I guess there’s maybe a sparkle of silver lining. Then again, rare can be a really bad thing. You know, i’m pretty sure cannibals are rare.

Ok, one day i’ll learn to not go off on a tangent.

I’m so tired of bullshit. I have walls, people spend time knocking them down. I finally get vulnerable with friends (or a partner) and then BOOM.  One dick move after another. My best friend once again had to talk me down from the edge recently and he said because I’m so open and authentic people can see my weaknesses vey easily and that’s not a good thing.  You know, my ego needs to fuck all the way off here, I think he may be right.

It really made me so appreciative of the people in my life. As few as there are. My ride or dies. Who I welcome criticism from because they know me so well and are close to me. Usually i’ll ask for their honest opinion, but sometimes they’ll just tell me to check myself before I wreck myself.

When you’re not incredibly close to somebody, just because you choose to confide in them that only your parents and ex girlfriend know about your financial success, doesn’t mean it’s fair game to rip them apart. If I was sad about breaking up with a guy I thought was the one, future husband, future baby daddy I’m allowed to miss him. Or feel sad for more than two weeks.

 

My best friend told me to get the F*ck over it.  I respected that. From someone i’ve only known 18 months at a distance? no. Unless I asked for your opinion. Roles reversed, i’d at the very least have said ‘may I give you some advice?’

He said he thinks i’m adorable. I mean, I am adorable. (I’m joking. Jeez) even so that doesn’t mean you can rip me apart. Dick.  I don’t care how loaded you are, if you’re attractive, I didn’t ask for your advice so back the fuck off. I don’t want like advice from someone who takes constant online psychology tests to ‘unlock’ what sort of person they are. I’m alright, thanks. I know I can be an asshole, but I know i’ve got a good heart/soul. I don’t need to look into myself that much. Maybe that’s the key to financial success along with hard work? I’m alright thanks. Constantly sending links to ‘decode’ who I am as a person. I’ll pass. I did a few. That’s enough. I think i’m pretty self aware, dude.

I quite like that I’m not the sort of human who’d kiss someone’s ass because they’re rich. Who’d talk about a relatives will. I’ve spent far too much time in my life with people like that. It’s so fucking repulsive to me.  There’s not enough money in this world to make me lose my integrity.  I do amuse my friends though, how an attractive guy got less attractive to me when I found out he’s insanely rich. It just gave me anxiety and then made me feel weird. Oh, one thing he said that really pissed me off, I was talking about a guy who broke the promise of taking me to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway back in the day (not pay for me, just accompany me. If you know me you know I don’t let guys pay. Not because i’m a 3rd wave feminist, hell no, but it makes me really awkward and icky.

So this guy laughed and said ‘I’d take you somewhere you couldn’t afford’.

Now, to some people maybe that would maybe be appreciated, but it really pissed me off. It felt like a burn. Maybe i’m overly sensitive but it really irritated me. Just came across as arrogant AF.  Sure, there’s loads of places I want to go that i’ll probably never afford to go, but i’ll never let a dude pay for me.  I mean, maybe if my husband and I had mad funds and he wanted to take me away for my birthday… I mean, hey, i’m flawed.

I only come on here to rant don’t I?  It keeps me sane in every day life though. I get it out my system then I can remain chill AF.  If people ask me (they have) how i’ve remained so calm and how I’ve not turned out to be a nightmare (one counsellor said she was amazed I’ve not turned out to be a bit of a shit… not her words, but I won’t go into that)… I’ll smile to myself and think ‘you should see my blog. I’m an insufferable c*nt on there’.

 

Oh, and I fell down a hole today. I laughed but it hurt. My ankle. So inconvenient, I was just getting back into going on my treadmill.  It was funny (albeit painful). Not as funny as when I fell down a ditch coming out of therapy at the hospital and ripped my tights though. The time my phone went flying and met boyfriend came to pick me up and said ‘what the f*ck happened?’ as he saw me climbing up the ditch with blood all over my legs and rips in my tights.

 

Winning.

I realise I don’t really post much happy blog posts on here. I’ve realise that when i’m feeling good and not in a mood or ranty i’m too busy living. Really living. I guess this has become my go to place to vent. I am aiming to just write word documents and save it as a personal diary. I find rant typing better than handwriting. I enjoy writing when i’m inspired or creative, or reflective but when I rant I prefer to type.

I’m never going to be one of those people who just shows the highlights online. To be so eager to put across how ‘HAPPY’ I am.  I also don’t want to be a miserable cow who is all doom and gloom. I guess I need to find the healthy balance and the few social media pages I do have is balanced. Unfortunately my blog isn’t.

I know i’m really happy and living when I barely go on social media. I do not regret deleting my facebook. I only recently opened a new one because the long distance relationship really sucked and I wanted as many ways to stay in touch with him and his family as possible. I guess a desperation to feel closer? I deleted that account very shortly after.

I’d probably be on instagram a lot less if I didn’t need my fix of memes.

Ok, I hope I don’t feel the need to rant again. Realistically i’m going to aren’t i? But it honestly helps me move the f*ck on and leave the frustration in the past.

This dude, although there’s a lot that I didn’t dig about him. I admire the drive and ambition. As I did with quite a few people in my past. He gave me some advice that I did find difficult to digest, but he was right.

My inability to accept money. He was pretty c*nty about it and threw it in my face when we were in a heated discussion. But it’s true. I need to get over my issues with money. I confided in him how when I was starting a business and I had a lot of interest in products, I panicked when people asked for quotes. So I sent a lot of pieces out as ‘gifts’.  I just couldn’t stand the awkwardness with regards to giving a price and accepting money. (Man, I have issues!). So i’d say ‘oh we have a spare one’ and send it to someone for free to get feedback. This happened so many times.  One or two things we really did have already made, but there were things that i’d literally make for free.  I’m never going to be successful if I continue like that. I need to speak to a therapist about it. The guy pointed out (in a bit of a shitty way) how bad this is. To be fair, I acknowledge it’s something I need to work on. I felt attacked, but it was a valid point. I need to get over my issues with money.  To be confident how good our products were. To be confident they’re going to be expensive because they are such good quality.  I have lost my confidence in my film work as well. I find time to work on that very regularly, but i’m low key dreading the casting process. I should really enjoy it but it was so stressful last time. I might to a blog post on that to be honest because it was eye opening.

 

This is all.

Stace x