Very rarely do I drink alcohol nowadays. I drank a glass of wine at a  hen weekend I planned last year because the girl’s kept offering at dinner so I thought i’d be polite.I didn’t drink any alcohol the rest of the weekend.  I didn’t want to drink, I wanted to enjoy the weekend and be sober when I go to bed so I could talk to my (then) boyfriend. I used to binge drink an embarrassing amount and it honestly negatively impacted so many relationships in my life. Drunk Stacey was a bit of a cock. I didn’t want a bunch of strangers meeting her. It was pretty amazing to be so fine not drinking. To not need that social crutch.

 

Tonight though, we were sat in the garden, which is going to remain a building site for the foreseeable future as we’re in lockdown still, the guys were drinking beers, the BBQ was going and I asked if we had any wine left or if i’d given it away with all of my champagne.

We did.

I didn’t want a second one. Oh how i’ve changed. I craved that first glass, I wanted to unwind. I hope tomorrow if I need to unwind I choose exercise like i’ve done twice this week already. Only 45 minutes then an hour, but I moved my body.

One was enough. Helped me to relax after making a decision today. A final decision of cutting all ties with the guy I thought i’d spend my future with. His family and friends. All gone. I was previously concerned it was impolite, and I really liked them and wanted to meet them all, but I have to let that go. Get rid of reminders. (yet to get rid of the mug he got me from Cape Cod, but i’m going to need to find a good replacement before I part ways with that).

 

So, I feel really sad and my heart feels heavy, but I guess I finally had the balls to clean the wound out. It’s done.

Fuck me, I didn’t want it to come to this. Like a desperate loser I clung on to the hope the guy I first knew was in there somewhere and wasn’t just a front. That he’d reach out and apologise and own all his shit and hold himself accountable.  He’s a bad dude.  He’s not my dude. He’ll never be my dude. I deserve so much better and this isn’t ego speaking, it’s just knowing I do. So many people have told me I deserve better and to ‘move the fuck on’ and ‘get the fuck over him’.  I think I finally have. Time helps doesn’t it?

It was never going to happen. He’s always going to have the ego and the insecurity. I feel for him. I hope he finds someone he cares about for real. Who he loves for real. Who he’d never hurt how he as hurt me. I’m sure she’s out there. I’ve finally accepted I wasn’t the one.  I have made a promise to myself I won’t ever look at his social media. I cannot see his future girlfriend. Hopefully I’ll be so content I won’t even think to. Just like I was for years, I briefly got into a bad habit of doing the social media stalk thing. So lame. That isn’t me. That’s me when i’m in a bad place. I’ve realised what triggers it. Someone will bring someone up from my past, someone from the past will reach out, a boyfriend will go on and on about their ex so curiosity gets the better of me and I check out the exes socials. So fucking uncool. I’m saying goodbye to that version of myself. I don’t recognise her.

In time I hope I look back and see with complete clarity the guy I fell for wasn’t real. I’ll have zero doubts and know the real sober him was the mean dick with the attitude problem and awful temper. Who I allowed to speak to me the way i’ve not let any mother f*cker speak to me in over a decade. What an asshole. The cringe inducing ego. The initial guy wasn’t legit. It was so contrived and my dumb ass fell for it.  It was game. The guy has good game.  Game only gets you so far. Maybe one day he’ll be better than that. Perhaps he won’t. Fuck knows. It’s none of my business anymore.

Oh well, here’s to the future.  x