I don’t understand. Is it the fear of having wasted a year of my life? Why couldn’t I just walk away? I know I don’t abandon people, but I also have limits. I’ve beyond exceeded mine.

 

I wanted him to prove he wasn’t a bad person. He is so mean. So fucking unkind. I don’t want to accept that as reality. I feel this desperation to discover I have him wrong and the guy from the early days really exists. That he didn’t keep the fact he has an addiction problem from me knowingly due to being selfish. I put it down to denial and shame. It made me open my heart even more. I felt for him on such a deep level and wanted to support him. Fix him. I ignored countless nasty words. I cried over them but reminded myself ‘it’s the alcohol talking’. I’ve since learned he is capable of the same cruel words whilst sober. That’s been a tough and painful realisation. Who the fuck is he? A ruthless stranger it would seem.

 

He’s confirmed now he purposely kept it from me, he said if he’d told me i’d have just remained friends. I mean, who wouldn’t? I’d have been a great, supportive friend. However, I’d have kept a healthy distance. Not only to protect myself, but for him. I’d have known he needed to get well and focus on himself. Even before I knew he had such serious issues, a dangerous disease, I came with a disclaimer. Like ‘hey dude, I’m a nightmare. I come with a lot of baggage. I’m not really girlfriend material yet’.

 

He said ‘what about MY feelings? I wanted to be more than friends’… So he’s confirmed that he knowingly withheld it from me. Didn’t disclose it. Because he was worried I’d be hesitant to go past the friend zone. Nice. Real nice.

He’d do this thing, upset me and I’d say bye. Or hang up the phone because I was ugly crying. I don’t believe in the silent treatment, I find it cruel, but I’d make it clear I was done. Then he’d record a 4 minute video of himself crying and begging me to forgive him and send it to me. It worked. Every time.  He knew it would work. I’m that predictable. Embarrassing really.

 

How selfish? He knew I was fragile and going through a lot. Moving forward I won’t even consider dating a guy until I have my shit together because I’m far too messy to be with someone. I come with a disclaimer. With this dude and the dude before him I told them both I’m messy and not girlfriend material.

 

My ex of 7 years has a temper but he’s such a genuinely selfless, kind and sincere guy. There were some super selfish things early on which now he looks back on and understands were not ok. I learnt from my mistakes also. Even though my ex of 7 years could be selfish, he was never cruel. Never nasty.

In a ‘heartfelt’ apology this recent ex described himself as callous.  I guess he’s right. He doesn’t seem to want to change. He just said ‘maybe I’m just a bad person and that’s why I drink’. I tried to reassure him he’s not and he can change and better himself and be less mean, but I’m realising it’s not going to happen.

I’ve disappointed my loved ones who warned me not to have any more communication with him. Who’ve seen me in such a bad way after he’s been so vile to me. I will never understand how a human can see another human crying, sobbing and pleading and continue to be aggressive or cruel. I couldn’t even be that way with someone I don’t like. Even the most awful people I’ve known. If I see a human genuinely sobbing I just feel so much compassion. On a human level.

This guy claims to love me?  I’m literally afraid of him, and just feel like a desperate loser craving him to prove I haven’t wasted a year of my life. I’ve been supporting him much to my own detriment. When a counsellor told me that I have become a ‘carer’ and not a ‘lover’ I was upset and haven’t been back for an appointment since.  He’s never going to be the kind soul I want to share my life with is he? He’s just not an innately compassionate selfless person. He has no desire to change. He’ll write an apology and then say something cruel. I’m sick of him being an asshole about my loved ones. They were nothing but kind to him. So welcoming and warm. Supportive. Even the ex boyfriend who I broke up with prior to starting something with him got over his initial hostility and was so nice.  I won’t rewrite about the ‘watch’ incident, that was addressed in my previous post. Peak asshole status right there. I really am a muppet.

Deep down I knew it. Every time I cried because he said something beyond harsh about a person. Whether it was him being angry and ranting that a ‘fat woman’ bought a ‘whole pizza’ to herself. Why the fuck would that anger you? How the fuck is it any of your business? I instantly called him out on it and said ‘you don’t have a clue what is going on in that woman’s life! Maybe she’s grieving the loss of a loved one, maybe she just had a miscarriage. Maybe she is just fucking hungry or saving half for later!’  I didn’t understand why he was so angered by it and ranting about this stranger just because she bought a pizza to herself! Fuck me, I can’t even imagine that mindset. Of all the things to be angry about. Really dude? Fucking really?!

He kept telling me about all the cavities he has. I told him repeatedly how important it was to go the dentist.  I also didn’t really want to kiss someone who had repeatedly told me about their cavities. That bacteria can spread and I’m quite phobic of the dentist and I make sure I go regularly and take such good care of my teeth. Apparently it’s selfish that I was honest about that.  I should have just knowingly kissed a guy with cavities and less than good oral hygiene. Had he not told me of course if not have asked. I’m not one to kill the moment on a date and ask ‘so when was your last check up? Any gingivitis? Any cavities?’. Of course not. But when someone told you repeatedly how many they have, is it awful that it kind of made be hesitant to make out with them?  I got shouted at recently about how much it cost. Sorry I encouraged you to have good dental hygiene. Gum disease can lead to serious heart problems.  I take it seriously. I got my very dentist afraid parents to go back to the dentist for the first time since they were kids! I’m so proud of them, and they always text me to say they’ve been and joke about how good they are.  Had it not been for my nagging and sharing information on health issues they’d not have gone back. That and my mums vanity and wanting her teeth whitened.

 

Fuck off dude. Fuck all the way off! Go see how many women will kiss you knowing you’ve neglected your oral health for so long.

I told him not to visit me. I even asked him not to because I knew he was in need of rehab. I knew it was so much responsibility, not only for myself but my housemates. I was so worried about him being on the flights. Where alcohol is served. The hotel with a bar. I wanted him to get well before he came. But he insisted. The flights were non refundable. My loved ones knowing what I was going through in my personal life were worried about me and the stress, they all saw me sleeping less and going downhill after years of working hard getting to a better place, but they also knew my heart and accepted it and welcomed the guy.

48 hours before the flight he was black out drunk and going through withdrawal. I sympathised with him so much, but dreaded him visiting. I was so worried about him. But as usual, put him first. By this point he’d booked hotels etc… so there was no going back.

Its a difficult realisation discovering the sweet guy I met a year ago isn’t a real dude. The mask didn’t even last long. A few months into it, I found out (from his mother when I reached out to her because I thought he’d had a stroke on FaceTime) that he has an alcohol problem.

His friend warned me about him, I resented his friend.  He and his friend are good now. I’m happy for him that his friend visited him in hospital, his friend didn’t have to do that. Take the time and effort. He said a nurse there was a girl he cheated on his ex with so maybe he was there for that reason.

 

Come the fuck on, that’s a stretch!

He said no one wants to be around him, even his family! I reminded him of how his sister held his hand in hospital, how his mother stayed up all night watching him sleep to make sure he didn’t choke on his own vomit. He’s so ungrateful. Imagine having a loving family and not appreciating it?!

Just like when he said he had it worse in detox than boys who went to war in WW1 and WW2.

Why the fuck have I tortured myself trying to find a resolution? To salvage a friendship? To find out maybe he is a kind human after all?

He’s beyond harsh.  It’s so painful to realise I opened up to someone and trusted them and loved them unconditionally. Ignored so many red flags. Tolerated so many unkind words. The shouting. When did I become a woman who takes a guy shouting at me?  When the fuck did that happen?

One alarming thing is him using the term ‘crime of passion’ to justify anger and saying people get a lesser sentence because it was out of passion and anger. Shut the front door.  When did I become this absolute muppet that even though I’m genuinely afraid of a person’s capacity to be malicious, I stick around. Not only do I stick around, I hope that it isn’t reality and he proves he’s a kind person.

He’s not. He moans about his mother constantly.  When he got home the first conversation we had was him complaining about his mother.  Ungrateful AF! He’d just been in a place hearing stories of people with awful upbringings  who’d love a caring parent. Let alone 2. And 3 siblings that love them.

He’s never going to feel remorse for what he’s done to me. He’ll say he’s sorry then be just as cruel again.  I am disgusted with myself that I’ve tolerated the unforgivable things he’s said about my loved ones. How did I write that off as ‘the alcohol talking’. He’s been sober a while now and is just as harsh, if not more.

I need to find some self respect. My friend said this to me, (called me a mug too, which offended me but it’s a valid point).  I clearly don’t love myself enough if I repeatedly give someone so many chances. So many sleepless nights, so many tears, one especially awful night where I was in such distress it was like 2015 all over again.  Thankfully I am fortunate enough to live with friends who had a feeling they needed to be alert. My poor friends who have lost sleep having to deal with my messy self. Talk me away from the edge. How did I repay them? Ignore their advice. Even then they said they know my heart and can’t be upset with me for not writing someone I once loved off altogether. That’s why they love me. Because of my heart. But they’ve literally begged me to never have contact with the guy again.

I made the mistake of getting to know his mum and some of his family and I’m so heartbroken I won’t meet some of them. (I briefly met one family member).  I care about his mum. That’s why I was so mad when he’d shout at her or complain about her. After she’d done so much for not only him, but other people in rehab.  How could he not see his blessings?  How could he be so ungrateful?

I am far from perfect. I have learnt from my mistakes. I’ll never troll on dating sites again when I’m upset because my boyfriend made me cry, or lied and got drunk and went MIA for days. Or said the most unforgivable disgusting thing (that I can’t even repeat here because it’s so dark) about my mother!

Even though my trolling was completely innocent, it’s was not ok.  Even though it made me laugh, it wasn’t cool. Even though he was drunk and had been awful, it wasn’t the right thing to do. Even though my account was clearly a spoof account, it wasn’t a healthy way to find amusement. I acknowledge this.

I know that. I understand that. I’ve learnt. Just because some of exes found it funny or rolled their eyes doesn’t mean every guy won’t be hurt by it. I’d never want to hurt anyone. Especially someone I loved.

More reason to finally get a new phone, new number.  This has been so painful. What really cuts deep is he knew how much i had been through and how I couldn’t take any more emotional pain. He knowingly lied to me, withheld his addiction and never appreciated me. The nights I stayed up, how I saw/heard him projectile vomit and shake. How I constantly reminded him how loved he is. Encouraged him to get healthy. Begged him to go to rehab and AA. He said last night that he only went to rehab for me. How he ‘had to go through that’ for me.  He is now sober, and I’m  hopeful he will be sober and present at his sister’s wedding. Both of them when the other gets married too.  His month away allowed his mother to sleep. We knew he wasn’t able to access alcohol. He wasn’t at risk of withdrawal and seizures. He was getting the help he desperately needed at the facility with the best reviews. So him ‘having to go through that’ I hope one day he changes his perspective and sees it as the place, and help he got there, saved his life.

His friend who called me and warned me about his behaviour (when I reached out to let him know my boyfriend was struggling and needed a friend) recently visited him in hospital. I think the guys a bit of a chode, but I said to my ex that ‘hey, he didn’t have to visit you. He took the time and effort to do that’. He said ‘why are you defending him? Do you feel guilty?’. Erm… GUILTY? about what exactly? …  Sober him talks as much shit as drunk him. What on earth would I feel guilty about? Having your back and being frosty with the guy after he warned me of your shitty behaviour? How you allegedly almost burnt your housemates home down when drunk? How you lost your job because you were drunk? How your parents are ‘enablers?’.  Why on earth would I feel guilty about having your back dude? I feel maybe I was too defensive and abrupt with him post phone call. I was passive aggressive AF and said ‘how about rather than ask me how he is, Go and see him?’.   But guilty?  Your ass must get jealous of the sh*t that comes out of your mouth. For real.

This kind of utterly bizarre question came to a lot. There were so many times I’d be shocked and confused by the crap he came out with. (Whilst sober, to be clear. Not just whilst drunk).

How obnoxious are you?  Me saying it was impolite to say something rude about my parents is apparently me looking for a fight? It’s apparently perfectly acceptable in America to say something rude about somebody’s home after you’ve been welcome into their home with open arms.  Apparently it’s an American thing to be rude to people’s parents. Your potential future ‘in laws’.  So stand offish. So not friendly, or charming or warm. I was expecting this smiley, nice, charming guy to meet my parents, instead it was awkward to the point my friend was incredibly quiet after and visibly upset that someone could be so impolite to my folks. I’d noticed it too. It’s not a good sign when someone yells at you in front of your parents in a nice establishment and you have to say through your teeth ‘don’t cause a scene’.  When did I become a person who tolerates this shit? For real.  This has humbled me a lot. I will no longer be such a judgemental b*tch when I see women go back to bad dudes (or vice versa, any kind of partnership) repeatedly.  This has really shocked me. Being mistreated for the best part of a year after i’ve given so much to a relationship, only to keep going back for more in the hope of finding a resolution. In the hope he’d change.

Oh and fuck me, i’ve had so many dudes, ones i’ve dated tell me my sister’s hot. Or my cousin’s pretty. Or my friends. I find it flattering, and say ‘yeah, I know’ and joke about it. In fact, I get salty if they were to say something to the contrary. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything.

I said about his family being so attractive! I joked ‘i’d fit right in’. My dumb sense of humour. Clearly I don’t think so highly of myself, I was being ridiculous. His sisters are super cute and his brother is very attractive. I didn’t know the brother was such a sore subject. In the early days I thought it was banter. But nope, he has some serious issues with his bro.  He never dropped that early on I joke about the ‘hot’ brother and the ‘Hemsworth situation’… as in, the parents make good looking kids. I never once implied his brother was more attractive than he is. The brother is married. I’ve never even spoken to the dude. It was just some banter. He even said he joked all the time with his friend’s about their sisters. Fuck, he’s been inside some of them. Sorry, that’s so crude. I almost vommed in my mouth at that. I’ll be less of an asshole soon, remaining dignified and silent had been like holding in a sneeze.

So, i’ve learnt… It’s ok to be rude about your potential in laws and their home etc… but it is not ok to joke about someone having a ‘hot brother’.  Sisters, that’s allowed. Not brother. I’ve literally joked about that kind of stuff with everyone I know and it’s only ever been banter. Had he said the same about my sister, I’d have said ‘yeah, I know’. She and I don’t even get along and have a very strained relationship. I’d not have been threatened.

He and I would never be compatible. His sense of perspective is whack. His ability to be so nasty scares me and takes me back to being around awful and abusive people from my past. He’s obnoxious and rude. I deserve better. I really fucking do. I have a lot of work to do to better myself, I’m far too fragile to be with anyone. For the foreseeable future I need to learn to be single and be ok with it. And one day, hopefully before I’m not too old to have a baby I’ll meet a guy with a compassionate  heart, an innate kindness, humility and maybe a slightly savage sense of humour. But never a malicious undertone. Banter is important after all.

 

Here’s hoping. x