So, here’s the thing. If you’re the sort of person that fat shames, then that must suck for you. Because clearly you’ve got some deep rooted issues you need to work on or at the very least hug it out. You’re a bellend. But that’s ok, there’s hope for you.

 

Guess what? There’s hope for me too. I look forward to having one chin again. It’s going to happen. I hate fat shaming, it’s so gross. My sister has a brain tumour and cushings disease which made her gain loads of weight, and she didn’t know why. When she was diagnosed, it began to make sense. That’s not my story to tell though.

 

I however, gained weight due to completely giving up exercise (something I once loved and had to have my daily fix, i’d be pretty miserable and irritated if I didn’t get my run in before work).  Today though? I have gone from living in a one story to a two story place and the stairs are a daily reminder I need to fall in love with exercise again.

 

Fat glorification bothers me.  Fat acceptance is necessary. Of course. But when someone morbidly obese says they’re healthy and you can’t assume otherwise because you’re not their doctor. Well, lets be honest, you can’t possibly be healthy with that much extra weight on you. You can be great at yoga and be able to do a headstand (something i’ve never in my life been able to achieve) but I think it’s healthy to be honest with yourself.

I’ve been in denial about my weight. I’d say I reached the obesity part of the chart in 2008. I’ve remained there since.

I avoided having my photo taken. I refused to accept it. I worked at a skate shop with gorgeous girls and guys who all were super slim. I was the fat chick who worked there. Sure, I still got guys flirting with me. I won’t go into that here as the cringe is still too raw ten years later.  I don’t measure my attractiveness on the level of male interaction I get from strangers being ‘very nice and complimentary’. I have noticed guys I used to be friends with stopped hanging out with me when I piled on the pounds. But I shouldn’t have been friends with a group of guys who all asked me out at one point, that wasn’t really a proper friendship like I thought it was was it? Nah. I think not.

Refusing to have my photo taken, and entering a committed relationship to elasticated waistbands has definitely been my downfall. I haven’t worn a pair of jeans in over 10 years. I used to live in jeans. But i’ve gone back to my childhood ways of only ever wearing skirts and dresses. (I couldn’t wear trousers as a small child, I flat out refused until I was in secondary school).

 

So obesity. I won’t make it sound cute. I’m tubby, chubby, or the worst…. ‘curvy’. Yes, I am naturally curvy in that even at my slimmest aged 17 I had pretty large breath (which I tried to minimise every day by wearing super tight sports tops under my clothes), and a pretty large butt. This was before the days of instagram and Kim Kardashian being in the media so I hadn’t quite accepted that. And the few times people commented on it, it made me so uncomfortable and icky. Even though they were saying I have a good one. Just no. Further fuelled my complex.

 

I’m no longer in denial. I don’t shy away from cameras because i’ve changed my mindset. I see this as a rough period. A very long rough period. But a rough period nonetheless. I think of them as the ‘before’. I am kinder to myself and acknowledge that life has been a rollercoaster of emotions and my issues with my weight have been with me my entire life.

I honestly believe i’m addicted to sugar. I never used to allow myself any refined sugar, I checked every label. I was full on orthorexic.

 

In 2008 I replaced my coffee addiction to red bull addiction. Someone told me that I’d have a heart attack if I carried on my very expensive habit of 5 a day. 5… a day.  I got down to one a day, and then once in a while. That changed back to 1 a day. And now I can’t remember the last time I had red bull.

 

But, I’ve only just stopped my coca cola habit. I exchanged one for the other.  Currently I have a glass (a whole bottle, lets be honest) or Belvoir handmade lemonade at the weekend. I don’t drink alcohol anymore, so my weekend I open a bottle of belvoir. I’m still yet to get over that sugar addiction. But i dread the headaches. I eat a lot of fruit, but even so, I still crave that bloody lemonade. To be fair, it’s lush!

 

I was talking to my dentist about my sugar habits, because I always talk to much. My dentist is trying to work and i’m there talking. I’ve not needed a filling since the one filling I had as a small child, amazing I know. How? It’s beyond me.

He said ‘you need to change your lifestyle Stacey’.  I didn’t feel judged. I was grateful for the reminder. I left feeling pretty good.

I read that fat activists (I’m not sure if that’s a triggering term, but I think that’s what they call themselves), said it was fat shaming when there are ads and PSA’s about the damaging effects of being overweight and the health complications.

Are you kidding me?

I can’t facepalm because I’ll probably kill brain cells.

I have classic FM on every day and countless times I hear ‘The second biggest preventable cause of Cancer is Obesity’.

I think the advert is brilliant and I am grateful for the reminder. Even if they are supper regular.

I don’t feel attacked. I don’t feel shamed for being a burden on the NHS. I feel empowered that it’s within my power to change. To work on my issues, to seek help, to address my health issues that leave me so lethargic and in pain (currently waiting to hear if it’s a vitamin D deficiency). But I can take steps towards a healthier life. Find ways to deal with my tendency to comfort eat M&Ms. To learn how to deal with my emotions in healthy ways and not starving myself (on ‘good days’) and binge eating (on ‘bad days’). It’s pretty messed up that I think that way and I know that’s not healthy in itself.

I don’t overeat. I find it really hard to eat in the morning. So i’m going to they intermittent fasting because I think I’d be good at it.  I don’t sleep much. I don’t exercise, ever anymore.  I have days/weeks where I just crave sugar. And fruit doesn’t seem to quench that thirst. I’m like a fucking vampire in need of my fix. It’s embarrassing. The headaches too. Urgh. I need to sort my shit out.

 

I was talking to a professional about my weight issues. It wasn’t my doctor, but someone else I have sessions with. I said about my weight and she said ‘so what, i’m overweight too, so what?’. To which I replied that  being overweight I have an increased risk of cancer, diabetes, a short life expectancy, an increased risk of stroke (my mother is a stroke survivor so I really do think of that every day).

I listed of a plethora of reasons. I wasn’t being a smart arse. Just honest and real, and in that moment I wasn’t even thinking I could possibly be offending anyone. After all i’m much larger. I was just being open and honest. I don’t think she was expecting me to say that. Certainly not so quickly after she said ‘so what?’.

I accept myself, I accept that it’s been rough ride, that i’m not looking or feeling my best. But I will never accept this as my weight without striving to change that. Because isn’t self love treating your body like a temple? After all, it’s the only one you have in this life.

I won’t allow myself to have a baby until I am finically well, mentally well and physically well. I just won’t. I refuse to be selfish in that sense. I want my baby to be brought into a stable environment (because in all honesty, it won’t be a stable world, but I sure will make it a safe and secure environment). I do not want a child to have the childhood I had (didn’t have, in all honesty. Good times were had, but a lot of it was pretty bleak).

 

So, I have so much to work on. My posture being one of the things. I have awful posture. Awful.  One step away from Quasimodo. Years ago I had this little belt that gave me an electric shock if I slouched. The belt of shame. Only kidding. But that belt won’t fit my much larger waist now. I have a back brace. Super attractive I know. But hey, I want to realign my spine ok!?

I have books on stretches to fix my posture and I need to get around to actually reading them. I should be wearing my brace right now. Slacker. See this is me. Slacking, yet again.

I don’t think the posture issue is merely due to a large chest. But I do remember as a teenager being so ashamed of my large chest that it’s try to minimise it by hunching over and I think the idea of standing up straight still makes me feel weird and vulnerable. But for health reasons and let’s be honest, bad posture isn’t cute, I need to rectify it. It’s going to take time, I know. But I’ve got to make it happen.

I’m obese. And that’s ok. Well it’s not ever ok. But it’s ok because I acknowledge it and am working toward changing that.

I’m gonna go because my alarm went off already and I don’t want to revisit this post anytime soon to ‘complete’ it.

 

I’m going to down my lukewarm green tea that i’ve neglected since making it, and get back to work.

Stace x