Unfortunately i’m one of those people that some people seem to talk a lot of shit about. This is always going to be weird to me, mostly because I keep to myself and I keep my circle small (not something intentional, just naturally as i’ve grown older and wiser, I’ve cut a lot of people out of my life).

 

Here’s the thing. I don’t take any shit. There have been low points in my life where I did seem to lay down and let people walk all over me. Lack of confidence may be a contributing factor, but also because i’ve had enough drama in my life and it makes me unwell. I’m not one of these people who says ‘I hate Drama’ and then rubs their hands and salivates at the thought of conflict. Gross.

No, it literally makes me (more) ill.  I don’t sleep much as it is, and I overthink as it is. I just want peace man.  And sometimes I do walk away and I keep myself composed, but other times when people are truly outrageous (Jem reference there, well spotted), I just can’t even. (Is that what the cool kids say? I can’t even).

 

My ex boyfriend’s mum didn’t like that her son ‘changed’ during the years he dated me. I never set out to change a person, but if we grow together, and both better ourselves, that’s surely a positive thing, right?

So when I was with this dude, he’d be a bit of a twat at times and I’d call him out on it. He told me his friends were laughing at a woman with cellulite in a pub and I saw the was a dick for associating with people like that. Furthermore, I told him to think of his imperfections and how he’d feel if he had a group of bellends pointing and laughing like a little gang of losers.

Another time he told me how he and his brothers laughed at a ‘fat guy’ on a plane who was too big to fit in a seat. I was so upset by this and quite honestly questioning if he’s a human I want to associate with, let alone date.  I remembered when I was in Florida and a heavily overweight man was turned away from a ride and he was so shy and apologised to his daughter that he’d not be able to ride with her. Some people made it clear they were pissed off about the delay. Pointing out that he should have tried the seats before queuing (a lot of rides have a seat to sit in to make sure you fit and are comfortable and know how secure the seating is). But it’s easily missed in  a huge Florida queue on a hot day.  I know that it maybe wasn’t normal that I cried later about it. And my mum and stepdad had to reassure me that the man was ok. I was a sensitive 14 year old and I kept wondering if he was humiliated and worrying how he felt. He seemed like such a nice man and it broke my heart.

I’m not saying people should have meltdown’s like I’ve done (and admittedly still do, but i’m working on it).  But I was so confused and angered that my boyfriend’s brothers, older than I was when I saw someone turned away, laughed. And annoyed that my boyfriend, the eldest brother and his parents didn’t call them out on it. My parents would have went ape sh!t at us kids if we did that. We never did though.

 

So, that’s one example of how he ‘changed’. And apparently that’s really bad.

The words ‘Why can’t you be normal and slag people off behind their backs’ were said to him by his mother when she said she didn’t like that he calls people out on shit and is honest.  Let that sink in. His mother, said that he was not normal for confronting issues head on and being honest and open. She also said ‘I’d liked you better when you were materialistic.’.  I shit you not. I heard the conversation, he had it on speaker phone.

This is a woman who slates me, and lies. It’s so weird to me, but hey, thanks for fuelling my shitty reputation.  My current boyfriend’s estranged sister is my ex boyfriend’s mother’s hair dresser, and I recently had it confirmed (by said sister) that they slated me. How fun?

Classy hair salon that is.

 

Here’s the thing. A lot of dickheads seem to know each other. Even beyond the small home town. I’m learning how small the country is. It really used to get to me that people talk shit about me, because it was so unjust. I wanted to just scream the truth from my top of my lungs, standing on a soap box, and set the record straight. If people still think i’m a dick, then fair enough. But at least let that opinion be based on the truth.

This shit can eat you up. I’ve let it affect me so much. Even at the lowest points, it’s been a factor when i’ve questioned if I want to cut my life short and call it a day.  It can feel suffocating. Especially when you’ve had strangers you’ve never met contact you (happened to me more than thrice on social media), because they’re a ‘friend’ of someone you used to know.  Some of these messages have been so cruel and vile.  Now I just cringe, but at the time I remember crying so much I vomited. I had an ex friend of an ex boyfriend message me and say ‘maybe if you sucked his D more he’d not have dumped you’.  Well, I broke up with him you douchebag. That was out of nowhere that message. I naively thought the notification from him was going to be an invite to another party. I opened it to see very publicly on my wall him calling me ugly and saying I shouldn’t have photos of my face online because no-one likes me and i’m a joke. This was from my boyfriend’s best friend. Who i’d met and been nothing but nice to.  He later blamed it on his mum having cancer (she was in remission, and I had a parent with cancer at the time too).  I also found out it was because his mother was very close friends with my boyfriend’s mother who just despised me.

I’m going to be brutally open here. When I received that abuse I was close to taking my own life. (oh man, pause on the typing, the familiar sting of holding back tears is coming).

 

I was so unwell and it was so unprovoked and cruel, and my boyfriend at the time lost his shit and tried to ring him. The absolute wimp didn’t answer and then when my boyfriend text him to say he’s ‘done’ with him, his university house mate messaged my boyfriend saying I can’t take a joke and she’s sad they’ve fallen out over me.

 

I don’t see any logic in this. What did Matt (fuck it, i’ve used his real name) think would happen. What did he try and achieve?  Why did he need to point out I wasn’t a stunner. I already know this, and i’m cool with that. I don’t aspire to be.  Oh, I know why, because his mum had been hearing from my boyfriend’s mother allll about me. It gave him the green light that my boyfriend’s family didn’t like me so it was fair game.  He lost a great friend over that. My ex boyfriend is my best friend to this day. He’s good friends with my current boyfriend. We’re like family. That’s what happens when you go through hell of a lot of shit together.

The really hurtful thing was, I used to know Matt’s ex girlfriend. She was not my type of human. She was intimidating and abrupt and just a mean girl. She told me she wanted to be ‘nasty’ to Matt so he’d break up with her, so she doesn’t have to break up with him.  I told her not to do that and that that wasn’t cool. I told my boyfriend, i’m guessing he told Matt.  But I barely knew his ‘best mate’, I just commented on another shitty experience in the company of Matt’s gf. A chick i’d known long before he and her were a thing.

I’m pissed off at myself that I called her out. I should have left her to it. Why did I stick up for a guy who would later be so vile to me.  I guess that’s just me. Oh well. It fucking hurt and i’m writing about it over 10 years later, and I think it’s always going to be with me because it was so unexpected and i’ve never been able to make sense of it.

 

All these people are connected and I need to remind myself of that. Literally every single person who has been super lame and far from kind to me, all have roots in the same shithole town and know each other. I guess bored people talk about people they’ve never met?  (yeah Manisa, I mean you).  When I get this shit thrown at me, it just reminds me I made the right decision to cut ties with the people I once called ‘friends’. Simply because this is the type of human they choose to associate with. Spiteful, vile, nasty, cruel, unclassy, aggressive people. Nice.  You’ve got yourself a really great group of people around you there. Go you.

 

These are the sort of people who don’t care what damage they do to you. They feel no remorse. Their intent is to hurt and crush and because i’ve been at really low points, they’ve succeeded.  I still think about them and I hate that. I hate it.

Not daily, not weekly, no even annually. But there are ways it’s affected me that are going to stay.

 

As a collective it can feel so daunting. But I remind myself to split the ‘group’ up and look at each case individually.

• Have they even met me?
• Are they bitter because I cut ties with them?
• Are they the sort of people i’d want my children to associate with?
• Are they kind? Good souls? Fun
• Did you respectfully cut ties and they couldn’t handle it and tried to go to war?
• If you lashed out, how much provocation and how long did you tolerate shit for before lashing out?
• Do you regret reacting to their cruelty?
• Do you miss them in your life?
• Do the people they call friends seem like nice people?
• Do they all have roots in the same shithole town in some way?

 

Literally, I know each person individually, has been an ass. If i’ve ever been a bitch back, it took a lot for me to reach my limit and in all honesty i’m kind go proud of my tolerance. I regret if me ever being a cow ever truly hurt somebody. Even those who have hurt me so badly and feel no remorse. I don’t need them to regret what they did for me to regret reacting to it.

 

It sounds cliche doesn’t it? ‘I hate drama’. But in my case I do. But what a hate even more is injustice, people not being called out on their shit, people being awful and adult bullies and no-one standing up to them.

 

I’ll probably always have a shred of hope that people will become better, kinder humans. But in the case of some, it’s just not going to happen. And if it does (I hope it does) i’m going to be nowhere near to find out.  I won’t have mutual friends (i’ve made sure of that. Maybe it seems extreme but I no longer associate with people who call people capable of such cruelty, friends).  I used to pride myself on not being judgemental. On accepting that perhaps my friends see good in these people.  That it’s not their business, the bad blood between us.  That I’d never expect someone to take sides.

It’s not about taking sides. It never was and never will be. It’s about people who have bad people around them. I don’t f*ck with that. Not anymore. I got burned. Being mature and accepting in this case left me ultimately hurt. But I learnt.

If people associate with bad people, they’re not the good souls you wanna roll with.  There’s something up there. I know nouns perfect, I’m FAR from it. But if someone associates with a really gross person who’s just bad vibes to their core and even if it’s a ‘fake friendship’ they have, then no thank you. I don’t want to call people who even have ‘fake friendships’ friends. I’m not 12. I’m not lame like that. (I’m lame in other ways, like my obsession with the real housewives shows).

 

I’m not stuck in the past. I sometimes wonder if I am. I’m not. I’ve just been tied to the past and I’ve finally cut those ties.  You know, when you go to a friend’s wedding and a girl you don’t know and her boyfriend elbow each other and stare at you and smirk. And then you remember they’re friends with that bitchy person you used to call a friend but cut ties with. That’s why they look so miserable at their ‘best friend’s wedding’ (sidetone, who wears white to their best friends wedding? unless it’s a thing, which I’m all for because all white weddings look gorgeous (clothing, not some messed up race thing. Don’t make this about race!)  .. yes Mary Kate Olsen, everyone in white, on the beach, I dig that so much).  Things like that.

 

It was at a point that these bellends from the past seemed inescapable. Not matter where I was. Because I had a friend who had a friend who’s someone I’ve not met but hates me based on what they heard.    Living like that sucked.  Some people probably wouldn’t care. But I’ve got to admit I get mildly irritated to whispers and scowling. Especially from strangers.  You know, when i’ve ruled out them having some sort of seizure and I realise it’s just them pulling a screwed up face. I wish I was oblivious to it. But I have a radar for bad vibes like no other.  Now i’ll just side step that shit. Literally. Like the shitty people who don’t pick up after their dogs and you have to side step the dookie on the grass. Side step away from that shit.

 

Cool people are out there. Loads of them. Frengers.  But they’re also rare.  I’ve found a few of them already and it’s ace.  The rarity makes them all the more special.  They special. Awww. Spesh.