My dude is the kindest dude going. I’m convinced they don’t come much kinder than he is.  I’m fortunate enough to call a lot of lovely folk friends in my adult life, my only regret being having not met them sooner.

But my dude, I don’t think i’ve ever been loved the way he loves me.

 

‘I can be the asshole of the grandest kind’ – yep. relatable Alanis. Relatable.

 

‘You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed…

… and you’re still here’.

 

So I know she wrote this about Ryan Reynolds and they broke up. But those lyrics resonate with me. ‘I have the bravest heart that you’ve ever seen’… ‘My passive aggressiveness can be devastating’.

 

There’s no denying that we love each other. That we will love each other for the entirety of our lives. That we will always be pretty close and there for each other. That regardless of what happens, we’ll remain friends. No matter what.

But when two passionate people argue, it can be intense.

 

We seem to be arguing a lot lately. Yet even after all these years I still feel butterflies. Little things. Kind gestures. How he doesn’t expect any recognition for them or anyone to notice. How he’s just so selfless at times and chivalrous. I don’t care if the fact I dig chivalry is deemed archaic and uncool. I dig it.

 

But yet we argue a lot. Are spending less time together. And seem to be ok about that. We’re vocal and honest about wanting different things moving forward. It’s been rough and frustrating and not at all fun, but reality has definitely hit us both.

 

I now understand timing. The importance of it. Especially when you’re 32 (although feel ten years younger). As a woman I have a biological clock that is ticking away, more annoying than my morning alarm and the clock ticking accompanying my insomnia.  It’s utterly shit! I don’t want to freeze my eggs. I don’t want to be an age where my baby is at risk from a lot of health complications. I feel kind of sad how my twenties were spent dealing with past trauma and getting back on my feet. But hey, i’m still here living and breathing. So above all else, i’m so grateful. But it does kind of suck how it’s taken me so long to be ok.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if he’ll ever believe in marriage. Or if he’s ever going to want kids (he’d be an incredible father).

What I do know is, if we do break up, which in all honesty is looking increasingly likely, I am fortunate to have him in my life. I’m better for knowing him. I’m a firm believer that your friends can be your soul mates.

We’ll have to cohabit for a while, but we’re mature and I don’t think that will be an issue (initially). Certainly not a long term option, but it’s going to be okay.

 

It might take time to shake the sadness. But it’ll pass right?

 

We’re cool. We’ll be cool.