‘Refusing to apologize often reflects efforts to protect a fragile sense of self.’ – Guy Winch, Ph.D

 

If you know me, you know I own my shit. If I need to apologise for something, I’ll endeavour to apologise (if I can get hold of the person in a way that isn’t weird) and apologise. There are a few people I haven’t apologised to, and probably won’t because they’re so hostile and will never own their own ill treatment of me, but regardless of that, I would apologise. I really would.  And it will always be sincere and from the heart. No bull shit. A legit apology. An acknowledgement that i’ve fucked up, or i’ve been shitty (most likely unintentionally unless I was being a little bitch with an attitude back in the day).

 

I have gone through a range of emotions regarding non apologists. Anger being one of them. I’ve been so pissed off at people who can’t seem to bring themselves to apologise. I’ve been frustrated. Confused. Hurt. Upset. Even devastated and heartbroken that people I loved couldn’t acknowledged their wrongdoing and on many occasions, cruelty.

I felt sad because theres a moment when you know you can’t associate with people that ignorant and those who feel no remorse. The realisation brings sense of clarity but sometimes the cutting of ties isn’t easy. Sometimes it’s easy AF and snip snip, Bye Felicia.

 

Others cut a littler deeper.

 

‘…But on the way to adulthood, we learn that apologising isn’t groveling or debasing oneself. Instead, the reason we apologize is to make the person we intentionally or unintentionally harmed feel better, not to make ourselves feel better. An apology means “I see you were harmed by my action, and that matters to me”.   –   Denise Cummins, Ph.D

 

 

I’m no clinical psychologist, and doubt i’d ever have the intelligence to become one. I’ll leave that to Jordan Peterson. But I am trying to understand why some people just cannot seem to apologise. I want to gain an understanding as opposed to just rule people out as assholes. Yeah, perhaps they are in fact assholes, but I’d at least like to have some understanding of what their deal may be. Life’s short, I know, but it’s actually kind of fascinating.

 

One sleepless night I thought ‘fuck this’ and I decided to delve a little deeper into it and I found a few articles on ‘non apologists’.

Why do some people try and use every excuse they can think of? Or go through a list of names of others who they blame?

 

It can be infuriating. Or just utterly bemusing. I find it irritating as shit personally, but I also have really had headaches because i’m so confused.

 

‘…we have become such fragile babies that we can’t handle the ego threat involved in making a simple apology. Instead, we need to be coddled cuddled, and excused from stepping up to the plate and sorting the mess we’ve intentionally or unintentionally created.’  – Denise Cummins, Ph.D

 

I’ve learnt that for some people it’s difficult to apologise because they may have a fragile sense of self worth. Some people lack the self esteem to say they’re sorry.  I’m someone who cares a lot of about self reflection in life. I think it’s so important. Humility. Honesty. Integrity. I always want to learn until the day I die. Some lessons have been pretty horrific in life, and I wish I didn’t have to go through so much heartache to learn them, but they’re called ‘life lessons’ for a reason. There’s opportunity for growth in every situation. For example, I had a tendency to lose my shit. I’d get enraged at times. I’ve even smashed something in temper. I kicked a hole in my bedroom wall as a kid because my parents let me down. It was an issue for me. People going back on promises. My parents being selfish (hey they weren’t perfect, but now they’re my best friends).

Now, I can blame behavioural issues on childhood trauma. I know that my childhood was pretty dark and as a result of it I had issues. Many issues. But as I grew up, I realised that I didn’t have to be ‘that person’. I could change. I could work on myself. I am responsible for my actions. I won’t blame my inability to chill the F out on others. I had to get real with myself and I didn’t seek any professional help regarding the anger issues. I didn’t mediate (although that’s something I hope to learn as I think it’d be highly beneficial to me).  I matured. I realised that I don’t need to retaliate to nastiness with nastiness. I didn’t have to have a come back that made me sink lower than the low blow that someone served me with.  I looked at the people in my life and who were toxic to be around. I cut those ties and it felt like coming up for air. The constant whining, put downs, spitefulness I was subjected to hearing was no more. The fog had shifted. Every time I tried to have an adult rational conversation with people significantly older than I was, i’d get shot down in such a cruel way.  Someone 30 years my senior used a homophobic slur and I called them out on it, then they started mocking me and asking me if I was a lesbian. I’m not. And that’s not an insult to me, but their intent was to be cruel.  They were in their late 40’s and their response to someone asking them not to say homophobic remarks was ‘Are you trying to tell me a lesbian’?

 

For real. Dick. What a penis head. The same person uninvited me to their future funeral so, there’s that. Build a picture in your head of a moron. Got it? Yep, spot on. This person, I doubt, has ever apologised for anything in their life. They also have every single trait of a narcissist. Me, confronting them is deemed me being a ‘disrespectful little shit’. There’s also the ‘grow up’ line. It’s almost amusing seeing as I’m the mature rational one who wanted to discuss issues like adults.  This is all surface BS, and insignificant to other issues and things that I don’t think I could ever forgive, but I learnt in my early twenties that sometimes you just can’t reason with people.  It’s exhausting trying to. But I always have compassion in my heart and try to understand why even the most awful people do the things they do, or act the way they act. This difference is, I had a shitty childhood but it made me better, not bitter. It made me have such a deep compassion and heart that often feels a little too deeply and usually to my own detriment. I am working on this though because I find I am harder on myself than you could possibly imagine yet even the most gross and vile people, walking abominations, I find myself almost making excuses for them. Perhaps they had a horrific childhood. But is that really an excuse? An emotional support counsellor reminded me that I too had a less than ideal childhood. I too suffer from mental illness. So is there really an excuse to go through life being so evil? (I don’t use that term lightly). Unless you’re truly disturbed and a psychopath, even then I wonder what lead to people’s actions.  I’ve been watching Mind Hunter recently and I have a friend who has a degree in criminology.  I’m well and truly going off on a tangent here.

 

 

‘Admissions of wrongdoing are incredibly threatening for non-apologists because they have trouble separating their actions from their character. If they did something bad, they must be bad people; if they were neglectful, they must be fundamentally selfish and uncaring; if they were wrong, they must be ignorant or stupid, etc. Therefore, apologies represent a major threat to their basic sense of identity and self-esteem.’

– Guy Winch, Ph.D

 

Is remorse enough?

 

Sometimes I think perhaps in life we will never hear an apology. Some things are so grave and damaging that a simple ‘i’m sorry’ won’t quite suffice. You need to hear the apology beyond the words. You need to see in someone’s eyes they are sincere and have realised their actions have caused so much harm.  You want them to admit they have a problem and hope they get help in life. You don’t wish them harm, and you’re not so full of hate that you want them to hurt themselves, but you also don’t want them to hurt anyone else. So them admitting to shit they did and seeking help would mean more than an apology.  Someone showing remorse for the harm they have caused you would help alleviate some of the pain.  Maybe it won’t. Unfortunately the people who have caused me so much hurt and dysfunction in life have demonstrated they feel no remorse. In fact, they not only deny their actions, they go on to try to assassinate my character. I wonder how such people sleep at night.  I find comfort in knowing my own future children will NEVER be around these people.

Guess what, you’re not the only people to have had a shitty childhood. You are disturbed and need some serious psychological analysis and a treatment plan. It’s frightening really. But I will learn to concern myself less with this type of human.  They’re not quite human to me. They’re monsters.

‘Admissions of wrongdoing are incredibly threatening for non-apologists because they have trouble separating their actions from their character. If they did something bad, they must be bad people; if they were neglectful, they must be fundamentally selfish and uncaring; if they were wrong, they must be ignorant or stupid, etc. Therefore, apologies represent a major threat to their basic sense of identity and self-esteem.’

– Guy Winch, Ph.D

 

That’s pretty heavy and not something i’ll go into right now, but more commonly I find people don’t apologise and still expect you to be in their lives.  I can’t do that though. I can be amicable but I refuse to seek any kind of closeness to the kind of people that can’t admit when they’re a dick.

I saw a woman not too long ago in a supermarket. This woman i’d never met but she is married to my boyfriend’s childhood friend’s younger brother (yes, really that distant and not even an acquaintance).  She said some bloody awful things about me and too me on social media. So brave I know. Fucking keyboard warrior.  Yet when I saw her many years later she didn’t say anything. In fact she hid behind the flowers. I later tweeted her and asked her if she’d like to apologise to me. Confrontational I know, but I hoped for some sort of closure and thought maybe she’d admit she’d been a complete dickhead messaging abuse to a stranger because she sort of knew my boyfriend and didn’t like that her no longer hung out with her brother in law. Get a grip dude. She also mocked my mental health (as if that was relevant).  But no, she didn’t want to apologise and didn’t have the courage she had when she was behind her computer screen.

Even though she was disgusting (and still is evidently), i’d have accepted an apology and been cool and put it in the ‘fuck it bucket’ and move on. She clearly didn’t feel any remorse. I won’t call her a bitch because it’s an insult to my 3 female dogs. She’s just a willy. No. No… she’s a vagina. A massive pussy.

 

I won’t hold my breath for apologies anymore. If I want to hold my breath i’ll look into free diving. Way more fun.

 

‘While most of us consider apologies as opportunities to resolve interpersonal conflict, non-apologists may fear their apology will only open the floodgates to further accusations and conflict. Once they admit to one wrongdoing, surely the other person will pounce on the opportunity to pile on all the previous offenses for which they refused to apologize as well.’ – Guy Winch, Ph.D

 

But I will always be open to apologies. Everyone should have the chance to voice that they’re sorry. I won’t tell people to go F themselves. Or put my fingers in my ears. I’ll listen to anyone who can bring themselves to self reflect and try to express their regret.

 

I also won’t forget though and I won’t let people pretend everything is ok when they haven’t apologised. I can’t tolerate that shit. Yeah, i’ll be polite and cordial but I don’t want to spend time with someone who’s a non apologist. I’ve learnt that you gotta surround yourself with the sort of people who lift you up. Who have humility. Who realise they’re human and fuck up sometimes. To people who can look back and realise how malicious they’ve been and grow from it and decide to be a better person.

 

 

‘By refusing to apologize, non-apologists are trying to manage their emotions. They are often comfortable with anger, irritability, and emotional distance, and experience emotional closeness and vulnerability to be extremely threatening. They fear that lowering their guard even slightly will make their psychological defenses crumble and open the floodgates to a well of sadness and despair that will pour out of them, leaving them powerless to stop it. They might be correct. However, they are incorrect in assuming that exhibiting these deep and pent-up emotions (as long as they get support, love, and caring when they do—which fortunately, is often the case) will be traumatic and damaging. Opening up in such a way is often incredibly therapeutic and empowering, and it can lead them to experience far deeper emotional closeness and trust toward the other person, significantly deepening their relationship satisfaction.’ – Guy Winch, Ph.D

 

I may be awkward. Stubborn at times (although not very often at all nowadays). I can be a bit too sassy (even in this blog post I couldn’t refrain from calling someone a pussy, but that’s something I know i’ll work on. I am at the ‘laugh at dickheads being dickheads’ stage and have got past the initial anger and tears that said pussy lead me to on my birthday when my mother had just got home from 5 months in hospital following a stroke that left her paralysed on one side with brain damage. I was angry. And upset. And now I will refer to the person as a dickhead because i’ve come hell of a long way. And this bish hid behind the flowers. like, really dude?  (I just used like as a filler, ewww. I’ll apologise here for that. I left it in to demonstrate how lame I can be).

 

I can be a little sensitive but that’s also something i’ve worked on. But I can also apologise and more importantly be sincere in doing so. I self reflect, even a little too much. I beat myself up a lot. I have the biggest conscience and sometimes need reminding that it’s not my responsibility to try and save everyone. I also have enough self worth now to know that if someone can’t acknowledge the pain they’ve caused me or apologise for malicious words or deeply unkind actions, then I don’t have time for that shit. Move along. Life’s too short to be treated like that. Well, mistreated. I have been at rock bottom and couldn’t even go in a shop by myself. I certainly couldn’t go to the checkout. I couldn’t look people in the eyes because I had a breakdown and I didn’t want to be here anymore. People scared me. I’d just known too many tossers and seen (And been victim of) too much spitefulness, corruption and violence.  But thanks for the help of my loved ones and some professionals along the way, i’m not in that dark places anymore. And being around people who refuse to apologise might pave the path back there,  and i’m not going to let that happen. That being said, I do try to understand them though. I wouldn’t call it curiosity. I’d be more inclined to call it a need.  A sense of needing to know, or to at least try to understand in order to be able to navigate through life. Fuck, maybe that is just curiosity.

 

 

I’ll leave you with this…

 

“If you have trouble apologizing, remind yourself of these two things:

1. Apologizing doesn’t mean admitting inferiority, unworthiness, or weakness. It doesn’t mean groveling or debasing yourself. People who demand that of you aren’t asking for an apology. They are asking for submission, and that is quite a different thing.

2. An apology first and foremost communicates a simple message that affirms your humanity and that of the injured party: “I see and I care”. “

–  Denise Cummins, Ph.D