Someone I once loved so much was so unkind to me. Someone I tried to impress, but would walk around on eggshells in fear of that person taking their bad day out on me.

Someone who called a relative a ‘slag’ in a conversation on Christmas day at the dinner table and I asked them to not talk like that and they got aggressive toward me (standard).

 

Someone, who when they found out I was on antidepressants joked about ‘When is Stacey going to hang herself?’. Another time when I opened up about not coping with life and not wanting to be in the world they told me I was stupid and threatened to take me to St Crispins (the ‘mental hospital’). Because I was crying and saying how hard I was finding life. They didn’t offer a hug or an ear. Just aimed to make me feel stupid. Told me to ‘snap out of it’. Tried to make me feel lower than I already did. Not cool dude, not cool. I hope right now you don’t have assholes around you treating you how you treated me.

 

This person the last time I saw them shouted FATTY in my face because I called the person out on their shit. Which took balls on my part.  They were pushing 40, but I felt like I was in the playground in that moment. In their mid to late 30s and shouting fatty. Really dude? Come the fuck on. That’s too cringe.

 

This person recently referred to me as a ‘nutter’ even though i’m the most sane person out of all of their ‘crew’ and i’m also the most calm and rational.  I could list the level of insanity of the folks this person rolls with but it would be too dark for this blog and utterly embarrassing that I share DNA with some of them.  Even the person who themselves had been in that hospital several times loves to say ‘Stacey’s mental’. I won’t laugh as it’s not funny to laugh, but someone who is literally bat shit commenting on me being unstable when i’m the most rational, calm and mature person to come from that family.  You just can’t write this shit.  I’ve lost my temper before and been a dick when someone has been horrid to me. I own that.  But my past inability to get past my anger makes me ‘mental’. OK then.  Shall we talk about the actual issues within that circle?

 

This person is the reason I never saw my nan because this person always told me they told my nan ‘how horrible I was’. But towards the end of my nan’s life I was the one who cared for her. Who gave her a bell to ring if she needed me to take her to the bathroom early hours of the morning. It was heartbreaking, but she got to know me. I told her how I feared going round because I was convinced she’d been told so much BS about me. But she got to know me in the months I cared for her. For that i’m forever grateful. She also saw how I was mistreated by the person who was the one to tell her I was a b*tch. She saw with her own eyes.

 

This person has broken my heart. Ripped it wide open. I’ve cried so much, not over the name calling or the put downs, that I grew to be amused by because pettiness is something I laugh at now. No, I cried because I had so much love in my heart for this person. And I still do. Fuck knows why.

 

Even though I have no doubt this person refers to me as a liar, even though they’re properly in denial about that and know i’m not. This person has mocked me for decades. Put me down. Been cruel beyond measure. This person has never, and i’m quite certain, will never apologise to me.

 

I find comfort in knowing that one day (perhaps soon) when I have kids I don’t have to worry about this person being a dick about my kids. (Just like the adults in this person’s life are fucking awful humans).  I don’t have to worry about my kids seeing their mum spoken to like shit. I know my kids will grow up around good people. Kind People. Funny people. Decent humans. Not nastiness, bitterness and corruption.

 

I wanted to be left alone and this person’s twat partner was googling me, trying to find whatever they can. Watching my youtube videos. All around being a massive loser. This person knows this, and I’m quite certain knows their partner is a twat of epic proportions, but hey, good luck with that. And the safe you have stashed away  that you installed because you don’t trust your partner and have to hide shit from them.  You’re on to a winner there dude. I’m sure it’s a genuine happy relationship. That’s so alien to me.  My boyfriend knows everything about me.  We don’t have secret and he hasn’t removed bricks from the wall to install a safe. You’ve really got a keeper there. True Love.

 

Yes, that was sarcasm.

 

But I’m not hateful or bitter. I’m royally pissed off that these people can’t get on with their own lives and are so lame as to seek out my business. Maybe I pity them.

So this person…

 

I heard this person isn’t well. I’m not thinking ‘serves them right’. I’m not thinking ‘karma’. I’m not thinking ‘well when I was suicidal and depressed and in a dark place you mocked me so now I’ll mock you’. Fuck that. I’m genuinely hoping that this person gets the help they need. Addresses the issues they need to address. I hope it turns out that their twat partner does truly love them and it’s not as vacuous and shallow and dysfunctional as it seems. I hope this person learns to love themselves enough to cut off from the immoral, vicious and corrupt af people they associate with. I hope this person learns to own their shit and apologise. Oh the freedom you have when you aren’t stubborn and too proud to own your shit. I hope this person finds reasons to laugh until they almost pee, but not at anyones expense. Not due to malicious words, but due to being around hilarious witty cool people.

 

I hope this person gets better. I hope this person gets their priorities in order. I hope this person realises that they were so hateful towards me for bullshit reasons. And that they’ve lost someone who’d have taken a bullet for them. Given them a kidney if they needed it or part of liver. But this person will not miss me. This person despised me. And makes it clear that they still do. I never knew why. This person was obsessed with asking people if I bought my own car. Such materialistic trivial shit. What on earth was there to be jealous of? really?  I was so far removed from spoilt. I had it pretty rough and i’m damaged (but not broken). Spoilt? OK then. Does your arse get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth? Brush and Floss dude, Brush, rinse and floss.

This person…

This person is a hypocrite. Has a really vile spiteful cold disposition. Yet I still have love in my heart for them and hope they become a better person. For their own sake, but also for anyone in the world who is around them.

 

I will always love this person no matter how malicious they are about me. I don’t understand why, but I guess for some people that’s shit’s unconditional. Even if it’s one sided. I’d rather be a lover than a hater, so i’m cool with that.

No matter how much they hurt me at a time I needed love the most. How they’ve put me down about my weight and joined in with others (maybe leading the way) to shit talk about me. When I was just getting on with my life oblivious to it at the time.

 

This person…

This person isn’t doing so well. But this person made bad choices. Fucked up priorities. Has used intimidation and spitefulness to cause harm to others. So many others. How many people has this person burnt aside from me? Too fucking many.

But i’ll always love this person. I’ll always hope they find happiness. Not the fake kind they brag about on the disease of a site that is facebook. (i’ve not been on there for years, but I bet this person’s still on there. I wonder if they still put public messages as statuses when they live in the same house as their partner that they could just say to them in person. I wonder if they still unfriend each other on there when they fall out even though they’re married with kids. Yet they’ve told me to grow up before. If I facepalm any harder I think i’ll knock myself out)

 

This person…

 

I hope they find genuine happiness. Sincerely. And I hope they discover that sometimes you have to face the really shitty dark things from your childhood in order to deal with it, and grow from it. I hope this person learns to focus on helping others and not blaming others for their problems.  And for your own sake I hope they find something that excites them in life as much as drama does. You know someone loves drama when they do a 40 minute journey in 20 because some shit that doesn’t really concern them is going down. Conflict. What is it with them and their ‘tribe’ loving conflict. Fucking bizarre to me. Like flies on dog dookie.  All over that shit. Grim.

I just hope, with all of my heart, that this person isn’t a lost cause. That the sensitive thoughtful person that once was deep down in there is still there. It’s just been laying dormant.

But I won’t hold my breath. I think they’re too far gone and that’s gut wrenchingly tragic. This person could have been so much better. But they chose to be a dickhead.

I could worry that their twat partner uses their spare time to choosing to try and find out shit about me and they may come across this somehow. How I’d be slated. Even though this is nothing but heartfelt honesty. From a place of love.  But I just cringe at the thought. That if that was the case they spend time doing so. Life is too fucking short for that shit man. Please go live your life you muppet. Go buy yourself a cheeky nando’s. Actually don’t cause that’s meat. Go buy yourself something with a label so you can post about it to your awesome friends on social media… because that’s not lame.

After all of the pain i’ve been through, and still am going through, and the shit i’m dealing with and having to be so open and raw and talk about the most horrific of times in my life, I don’t need an acknowledgement of how ‘brave’ i’ve been. Or how I was a victim. Or how I could be seen as a ‘survivor’. No. I don’t need that. But I reserve the right to talk about my life. In my space. On my time. I don’t need your respect. Your approval. I stopped trying to get your respect and approval well over a decade ago. The anxiety in the pit of my stomach when i’d try to say hello in a way that wouldn’t be met with hostility because you were miserable.

 

But ask yourself this. Why the fuck are you reading my blog? What lengths did you go to find and read my blog?

Are you angry reading it? Do you despise me right now?  For what? Being honest and open. I fucking cry writing on here sometimes. I have the decency to not drag people. Or ‘name and shame’. Public shaming is fucking gross. (Read Jon Ronson’s book). But no way am I going to remain silent. No way. I’ve been through too much and it almost killed me. Literally. So I’ll speak. Because i’m brave enough to. And I hope others are brave enough to as well.

 

But if you’re ‘this person’ and know who you are, and you’re reading this, it speaks volumes about you if you’re full of hate right now. Not me. It spoke volumes about you when you said ‘so what, happens to loads of kids’ and implied it was to do with money. Who the fuck would say that about a victim of abuse? That’s dark man. You need some light in your life. The sad thing is you know I’m not a liar. And you know I couldn’t give a fuck about money. I also can’t be manipulated by it. I’d rather sleep on a park bench in the rain (can’t sleep in my car as I don’t have one anymore, oh I bet that pleases you) than accept a penny off of a sick sociopath. I won’t be insulted by that. Because people who matter know i’m nothing like that and know how ridiculous an allegation like that is. And how desperate it is for someone to even imply such a thing. Gross. That’s really icky.

 

The truth is…

I love you.

 

I love you still and I hope you focus on your wellbeing and being a decent kind human and not a self absorbed SOB and I hope you get well. I hope you find your happy and settle for nothing less. I hope you learn to not give a fuck about material shit and realise there’s more to life than money. (Then again some people sell their soul’s to the devil because an eternity in hell is apparently worth it. Not saying anyones going to hell, well maybe some sick twisted fucks who feel no remorse for the shit they’ve made others endure will face judgement day when they try to get through the pearly gates, but it’s an analogy).

If we see each other again it will be under shitty circumstances I’m sure. And you’ll feel no sympathy even though you know i’d be 100% nothing but honest.  I bet you’d even be angry at me for talking openly about what i’ve endured. But fuck what you think. I’m fucking brave. I’ve not been in denial. I’ve opened the wounds and not kept shit locked in a box. I’ve fucking faced that shit and it was so horrific that i’m surprised i’m still here today. It was hell. But I was surrounded by love and support by handful of people. People who cried with me because it pained them to see me in such a bad way. People who love me enough to remind me that there’s things to live for. People who told me how their lives wouldn’t be as bright if I wasn’t in it. That’s love man. That’s love. I hope whatever you’re going through that you have genuine support and love. I’m sure you’ll think it’s genuine but if you really thought about it, perhaps wonder if it really is. Do certain people truly love you, or are they half arsing it and really more concerned about themselves. That’s got to be rough.

 

Be ok. Please, be ok. But please grow from this. Learn from this. Aspire to be better. Just get out of that bitter angry nasty hole (not talking about a certain person’s arse here, but you know, perfect time for a joke).

 

Find your happy. Your genuine sincere happy. No false shit. No bullshit. Real happy. Be well. Be kind. Be better.

 

be ok.