My oldest (or is it eldest? and to think I took English Lit at college) fur baby Roxy has this reindeer teddy. Or a moose as my parent’s call it. She’s had it since her first Christmas as a puppy. It’s been washed countless times and constantly needing to be sewn up. (Thanks Craig and his skills he learnt from having a seamstress for a mum).  It’s now covered in patches. (organic cotton of course).

 

When I was feeling utterly crap recently I thought of that moose. How there’s not much left to sew to. It’s slowly becoming just covered in patches and the original fabric is just deteriorating.

That’s what I felt like. I felt like I was just wasting away. (unfortunately not my fat cells). I was wondering, can you run out of brave.  Bravery. Can you run out of courage?

 

Everything in my life has felt like such a fight. It’s been so exhausting, mentally. My childhood I was tired all the time. If you see photos of me as a kid I look ill. I look like i’m stressed beyond belief. And I was. Childhood was tough man. So fucking tough. I was exposed to shit no child should ever be exposed to. I wouldn’t play with other kids. I remember sitting at the teacher’s desk for a long time because I was terrified to interact with other kids because I knew I wasn’t like them in so many ways. I was pretty damaged.  The teacher’s were so kind and they were the ones often taking me aside and asking me questions that now (as an adult) make sense.

 

My teens years weren’t great. School sucked. I had fun and wasn’t bullied relentlessly. I had the crap kicked out of me by a bunch of kids the year below me and I wouldn’t fight back because they were younger than me and I had it in my head that to fight back would be immoral. So, Stevie Ann you were a vile little bitch. Really, vile. And so were the girls and boys who stamped on me and kicked me in the face when I was on the floor. Thanks so much to the lovely parent who pulled over and saw the whole thing and took me to my mum. OH shit, did they f*ck with the wrong kid. My mum was savage af, found out the address of the ring leader and lets just say she put the fear of God into her mum.

People would pick on me, then they’d meet my big sister or my mum and realise they’d fucked up. One girl ended up trying to buy me drinks later on when we were teenagers.

A little twat stole my friend’s crutches once at school and I got them back for her. I was then the target of their bullying. But that was better than her being picked on and her vulnerability exploited. I had threats (this time by older girls) of them stabbing my eyes with pencils. It wasn’t fun.

That was the easier part of school though. I wouldn’t tell my sister or my parents because I knew they’d not let that slide. When they found out, I never got picked on again by the same groups.

The part about school that sucked was my lack of self esteem. I hated puberty. I was having suicidal thoughts because I couldn’t deal with it. I was so ashamed of becoming a woman. It was rough. I was in denial about it. But i’ve written about that before. I won’t rehash it all.

 

Then came college and my IDGAF attitude I hid behind. I thought I was cool as f*ck and didn’t like anyone. I was antisocial but I was into fitness so I guess endorphins helped a bit?  I also had an eating disorder and put my fingers down my throat a lot. I had a lot of issues but even so that was probably my happiest time since year 5 at junior school. The year I loved because we learnt about The Tudors and my teacher looked like Adam Garcia (in the Coyote Ugly days, but that was way before I knew who Adam Garcia was). He was so sweet and kind and I really thrived that year.

I hated uni. I hated everything about it other than the time I spent creating. I hated the whole vibe of it. I hated the having to get there 90 minutes early to find a parking space. I gained about a stone at this point because I lived off of the shit cafeteria coffee, as well as taking my own flask in and didn’t eat, then i’d eat my weight in brown rice on my break. I’d brush my teeth every day in the absolutely grotty public toilets with a bottle of Evian after every drink of coffee. Then i’d not eat again. My skin was also awful. Everyone was pretentious. I really did try to make conversation but they were like the equivalent of the type of kids today who where SUPREME.  urgh.

 

But again, it was struggling with life on a much deeper level that was exhausting. Every single thing was mentally exhausting. Not the work. but life.

 

Work, education, socialising were also so mentally draining for me. I was on anti depressants and seeing a counsellor but it wasn’t  helping. The first counsellor i’ve ever had and I didn’t vibe. I’ve since seen some professionals that have helped me so much and i’ve also realised (remembered) a lot of where it all stemmed from. The self shame, the unhappiness. The social anxiety.

I’m the closest to happy i’ve ever been but I’m still not ok. And I guess that’s ok. I’m thankful for all of my blessings and have a great sense of perspective, but I’m still struggling.

I feel as if I’ve ran out of courage. The first sign of drama and I can’t deal with it. Which is good because I don’t go near that shit. It will make me feel physically unwell.  I used to be around the sort of people who loved drama. They’d literally get  a boner at the prospect of conflict. Lame af. They’re still like that i’ve been told. What a sad existence. Living such a negative life.

 

I can’t tolerate BS anymore. I just haven’t got the energy or mental capacity to try and process that shit. You can’t reason with stupid. I’ll always self reflect and exhaust myself trying to see it from another’s perspective (and I don’t ever want to change that part about myself) but if someone is just being a dick (unjustified and with malicious intent, or whatever lame intent they have), I just can’t deal with it. I’ve ran out of bullshit tolerance. I’m just like ‘Nope’… ‘Not interested’…’move along’…

The past and the dysfunction of so much in life has really damaged me. I’m agoraphobic which sucks and literally has taken a big dump on all of my dreams and ambition. I’m hoping to get through that though. Just a decade behind with the travelling and career goals. It’s taking a while to get the help I need.

I’m tired because i’m unfit. But I can change that. I’m working on that. But can I ever get more energy on an emotional level? I don’t even know if i’ve worded that in a way that makes sense. I know exercise releases endorphins, but I need some recharging. Some Eat Pray Love type of shit. But agoraphobia has made that challenging to say the least.

I never thought i’d be the person buying crystals and charging/cleansing them in the moonlight and burning sage, but hey, i’m trying anything. I have 9 lemons in a bowl. I am into Feng Shui. My house has so many plants and trees it’s like a forest because I can’t imagine life not surrounded by plants.  There’s something to energising and therapeutic about growing them and looking after them.

I try to meditate but with OCD and a brain that never chills the F out it’s not easy. I can’t seem to silence my mind. I aim to learn though.

I still suffer greatly with sleep. I always have though. Even as a child.

 

I don’t have that love of meeting new people like I briefly had once upon a year gone by. I’m so guarded and prepared to be fucked over. And that’s utterly shit.

 

I sometimes feel like a computer that you’ve just rebooted so many times and it’s time to get a new computer. It’s especially crap because you can’t just erase everything you’ve been through and start a new life. Unless it’s some Michel Gondry ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind’ sort of deal. Or Will Smith waving his silver MIB gadget in front of your face. (if you think that sounded dirty then that’s on you dude).

 

I dunno, i’ll wrap this up here. I don’t want to be a complete drag and talk about my feelings all the time (we’d be here all day). I just see that moose and it’s running out of fabric and it needs patching up but there’s hardly anything to sew to now and I’m like ‘yo moose (reindeer), I feel you bro’.