That saying, when life gives you lemons made lemonade? Hmm, Lemons are pretty ace on their own without the added sugar. I get the saying, obviously. Make do with what you’re handed. Sometimes it’s as if you been handed a steaming pile of dookie and we all know you can’t polish that.

 

We got some crappy news last week. The kind of news that’s kind of a big deal. But you know, keep focused, keep busy and all that jazz.

 

Urgh, I’m already hating the ratio of negative posts to positive posts I put on this blog. It’s because when I feel crap I want to vent. When i’m happy i’m not really in front of a computer unless i’m creating.

 

I’m going to keep it short because I can’t keep reliving things that irritate the shit out of me. I just want to say some things I’ve realised. (with thanks to a pep talk from my folks).

 

I am selfless. Fuck me, am I selfless.

 

Call me fat, haggard, whatever and you may have a point. You’d be a harsh dickhead but I’d see your point beneath your c*ntiness.

 

But one thing I am, and that i’m proud of, and that I was reminded of during a much needed hug… I am fucking selfless.

 

I am considerate. I am considerate of other people’s time and feelings. I’m considerate of what other people are going through in their lives and I strive to be the sort of person who lifts another. When someone leaves my company they feel lighter (or at least I hope so?). Not because I blow smoke up their ass, or because I’m a kiss ass (although admittedly sometimes I can be far too agreeable and I hate that about myself, usually when i’m intimidated by someone because I see they have a nasty streak. I can’t deal with nasty. So when i’ve worked with those type of people I kind of shut off from being myself and try to get through the day. For someone who has always stood up for herself and will tell the truth even if my voice shakes, I can be painfully agreeable on some occasions. Just because I try to avoid nastiness at all costs and just want to get through without a confrontation. Sometimes I know if I start, I’ll lose my shit and some people just are not worth it. Especially in a work environment).

I’ve noticed that some people have a  talent for making others feel bad. Always trying to make others feel bad. That scene in Bridget Jones 2 where the woman comes over to Bridget and there’s the jellyfish counter because of all the stings. Yep. Those type well and truly exist.

I HAVE NO FUCKING TIME FOR THAT SHIT.

Honestly, sometimes I come away relaying everything over in my head. But this time I decided i’m not doing that. I’m not wasting up time of my life beating myself up. I self reflect more than anyone I know. I’m harder on myself than anyone I know. I know i’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

Some people are incapable of apologising. Literally incapable because literally everything is someone else’s fault. Guess what, you’re still responsible for your actions when you’re old enough to know better.

I’ve been through hell. I really have. But I’m not going to be bitter or a bitch and blame it on someone else. I own my shit.

I’m just going to focus on the future and making it as positive as possible. I can’t be around anyone where I come away feeling drained. Where i’ve been spoken to like crap. Been made to question if i’ve been unkind.  Oh man, I was most certainly kind.  I went above and beyond to be nice. It’s not hard to be nice, it’s natural af, but I mean I was so aware and considerate of anyone’s feelings.

And yet, I came away feeling like absolute shit. This time I had people point out they saw with their own eyes how shit I was treated. I didn’t even say anything, but when people love you, they can see when you’re not ok. They know your character and tell you you have the patience of a saint for once, considering you’re normally tightly wound, high strung and lose your shit easily when upset.

 

I’m sat here re evaluating everything. I’m proud of myself because I didn’t knowingly or intentionally upset anyone. If anything, the feelings of other’s were at the forefront of my mind. It pains me if anyone reacts to anything I do in a way that upsets them, but that isn’t my fault. I can relate to it, I have so many issues where sometimes I can’t even look someone in the eyes or face going to an event because I am far from a social butterfly, but it doesn’t make it my fault. I have written at length in my diary, always trying to see how it could be my fault, exhausted my brain and hand writing but is this how I want to spend my life?  Wasting time going over things trying to convince myself that something is my fault?

 

I think i’m an easy target. Because I have a huge heart and even bigger conscience. It’s so easy to make me feel bad. I won’t ever understand why. But i’m not sticking around to try and find out why. Life’s too short and I don’t think i’ll ever find out. I’ll just be wasting my time and making myself even more unwell.

 

So I asked myself this…

 

• Was I kind?  YES.

more importantly….

• Was I sincerely kind?  YES (Always)

 

• Was I considerate?  YES

 

• Was I honest?  YES (but I withheld a lot because I care about other’s feelings)

 

• Was I selfless?  YES. What did I have to gain? Nothing. Purely there out of love and support

 

• Was I helpful? YES (pretty sure I was)

 

• Was I enjoying myself?  NO.

 

• Did that matter?  NO. not at the time. that wasn’t what I was there for.

 

• Was I made to feel like absolute shit? YES. but that’s on me too because I should refuse to feel that way.

 

• Will I ever get an apology? NO. I won’t be waiting for one either

 

• What did I learn?    That it matters to me how others feel, but I can’t torment myself trying to convince myself it was something I’ve done. If a person has confidence issues, I can relate 100% but it doesn’t mean I did anything unkind or unfair. Even now I have a lump in my throat. Because I know how it feels and I don’t ever want anyone to feel like that. I think my suggestion could have avoided that (less pressure) but when someone insists, i’m not going to push just because I think it would be better to approach something the way I think is best.

 

I wish people would self reflect. Realise when they’re being a hypocrite. Realise when they are constantly, relentlessly, trying to make others feel bad. It’s a fucking talent I swear.  It’s so alien to me because I always put other’s first, to my own detriment. Even at sleepovers as a kid, after watching a scary film, no-one wanted to sleep on the end, especially me. But I always did.  I have known what it feels like to be alone, scared, abandoned, receive abuse, and i’ve always been so mindful of anyone else feeling that way that I’ll go above and beyond to avoid anyone feeling shit emotions. I’ve had counselling to help deal with this. To try to realise I can’t carry ‘the World’s’ problems on my shoulders. Or to stop beating myself up in life (i’ve had enough people verbally do that for me over the decades).

 

How I feel is valid. It’s important. It’s not something I should have to hide away from. Is it embarrassing that sometimes I have to go to great lengths to work things out and tidy up a tangled mind? It used to be. Especially in my late teens when (the worse therapist i’ve ever met) gave me a card to pull out in situations when I need to analyse my feelings. NO thank you.

 

I’m pretty clued on. When you pick teams and you’re picked last, that used to be daunting. But now, i’ve experienced not being picked last… At uni I wasn’t picked at all.  AT ALL. SO I picked up my bag to leave then got screamed at by the lecturer who knew I hadn’t been picked. I then chose a group and took all my confidence I could scrape together and asked to join them. (Even though by this point I realised I was in  class with toolbags wanting to be the next Tarantino and I was blonde with a flower in my hair instead of a beret and couldn’t be a good filmmaker).  So I joined a group. Lecturer then said, no not that one, choose another. (because I had a friend in that group. Such a good friend that they didn’t give a shit at my humiliation of not being chosen. Nice).

So in that situation, every counsellor I’ve had over the years has pointed out that it was pretty cruel. In that situation I’d never allow someone to go through that. No fucking way.  I couldn’t physically allow that to happen.  Funny thing is I knew more about film than any of them. And it showed the following two years. I was there because I love making films and have done since I was tiny. Not to be pretentious and talk about Goddard.

 

My point is, in that situation I was advised I should have gotten out my card and read through it. Yes, because that would really help me sat there with everyone looking at me awkwardly laughing. No one wanted me. It sucked dick, that feeling.  I hate the whole choosing teams anyway. If it’s a physical sport then I guess it’s part of the process, but in this case, so unnecessary.  I’m glad it was me though because if it had been anyone else i’d have been so upset. I’d have thought about it even more than I did. But like I said, if it was anyone else, I wouldn’t give a shit that I wasn’t a team leader (chooser, oh the power, urgh)… I’d have said ‘hey, you’re with us’.

 

Do I know why they didn’t pick me?  No. Not really. I was quiet. Not exactly confident but I hid behind cynicism and wit. I wasn’t at all a dickhead though. I’d own it if I was. I’d have learned from it. All i’ve learned from that is that my ‘best friend’ was not my best friend, she was selfish and didn’t care about me at all. (many more painful occasions after this further proved it).  I learnt that i’m not afraid to say i’m a better person than others. I’m not above others, but I am far more considerate of others feelings. I learnt there and then that I was no longer going to try to fit in and I didn’t. I went home to my boyfriend at the end of that longgg day and we went out and had fun (still played on my mind though didn’t it?).

 

I did go into the toilet and pull out that card and read it. It was patronising. Smiley faces and sad faces. Pretty much trying to make me believe I was paranoid. I wasn’t. I can be in life, no doubt, but on that occasion I wasn’t.  It didn’t work out with that counsellor. I’m not arrogant but there were times I had to correct her and she’d say ‘oh, I guess that wasn’t normal for a child to experience’.. (you know, like aged 11 being taken to search for your suicidal schizophrenic uncle’s dead body).  You know, as she said ‘normal childhood experiences on the weekend’.  Everyone i’ve seen since has been great though. I refused to see anyone for years.

In more recent years it’s been painful and raw, but I needed to speak to someone objective who’d be honest af.

 

All of these painful experiences though have made me who I am today. Slightly thicker skin, but admittedly not thick enough. Sensitive but quicker to realise I can’t exhaust myself questioning other’s shitty behaviour. I learnt I am not spending my life waiting for apologies.  I’m flawed, so flawed, but I am so compassionate. I learnt I need to stop self depreciating and being harsh to myself as a defence mechanism to point out my flaws before others. (it’s a way I take away the power, I point out i’m fat before a nasty c*nt calls me fat.). It’s not cool though and really upsets and annoys the shit out of my boyfriend and good friends. But they understand I do it because of the amount of people who loved to put me down throughout my life. I try to get in there first so that I don’t have to feel it coming from others. The attacks.

I’m just trying to get well man. I really am. I’m not out to get anyone. Or hurt anyone. But some people feel no remorse and that bothers me. It bothers me that they’re capable of hurting others and are never held accountable. This goes a lot deeper but I can’t discuss it on here for legal reasons and quite honestly, because it’s too painful and traumatic.

 

This has well and truly gone off on a tangent, as always. Hey, I hate to disappoint. What’s Stacey without going off in three different directions mid discussion. (I’m aware I spoke about myself in the third person).

 

I know that anything I say will be used against me, but fuck it. I’m nothing but honest and i’m done keeping everything in. If anyone stumble along this and feels the same shitty feelings or is trying to deal with pain, then hey, one less person feeling alone.

 

I don’t care if it’s ‘uncool’ to be so raw and honest and like I always say, i’m the girl from MEAN GIRLS who doesn’t even go [there] but wants to bake a cake of rainbows.

 

Sometimes I think that if people knew I have so many issues they’d not want to know me. Definitely with guys i’ve dated. I have to act like my shit is well and truly together and i’m so ‘nonchalant’ and ‘cool’ and ‘not at all emotional’ because that’s ‘annoying’. What the fuck ever guys.  If things for you were peachy (not perfect, but pretty stable, safe and pleasant) then you’re in a pretty fucking privileged position to be passing judgement.

 

I’ve dodged a few bullets.  I couldn’t be with anyone I can’t be real around.

It makes times like this past week so much better having your people. My people. My person.

Even though his wellbeing has been the forefront of my mind, he’s so cool and chill and he’s the one telling me it’s gonna be alright. I know it can’t be easy being my boyfriend.  He’d never make me feel like it was a challenge. Or refer to me as damaged. But I do think sometimes he won’t show me how he feels because if he loses his cool then I’ll be even more worried. But I know, in reality, that’s not the case. He’s not afraid to be real with me. He’s my person.