So i’ll keep this brief. Or what’s the word, choppy…

 

I was there. I was upstairs. Not so long ago. I heard the entire conversation and it took all my strength to not run down those stairs and verbally annihilate you. Not with malicious intent, but out of pure frustration and outrage!

 

So, here goes.

1. ‘I saw Stacey. She looked really sad and vulnerable’ – Yes. Maybe because I was. And have been. If you knew what i’d been through… actually, you do… yet if you cared. You never have. I saw you too dude. You didn’t look so well yourself. Far from it. It wasn’t the face of a happy, carefree person who loves life.

 

2.  ‘My job keeps me going. If I didn’t have my job…’  I feel bad for you. That’s no way to

live. What if for some unfortunate reason you were unable to work. How would you

cope without the distraction.

 

3.  ‘I keep my memories locked in a box’ – again, not exactly a good way to live. I feel so

so sorry for you dude. If you faced your fears, memories, you’d

have a shot at genuine happiness. I hope you heal and don’t remain consumed in

this nasty bitter shallow materialistic vacuous hole of an existence.

 

4.

 

… you know what, I won’t repeat the rest because quite honestly it was sickening, ridiculous and offensive. Unforgivable but predictable. Lacking intelligence or integrity. The fucking audacity of it.

 

So, I can’t say I don’t give a fuck. I do. Not many. But I’ll always have love for you regardless of your hatred toward me. I guarantee you that I care more about you than someone does… she probably cares more about her labels. No, not the labels you love to use like ‘nutter’. No. Not those kind of labels. Even though I never wish to see you again, I would bet my life I care more about you. About your genuine happiness and quality of life. All I ever wanted was love and respect. I don’t want that from you now. I never will again.

 

So, yeah, I heard it all and I will never speak to you again. I already made that promise to myself many years ago. But although I never want to see or speak to you again, I hope you find happiness. Not the BS you claim to love about your ‘awesome life’. No. I mean real genuine happiness. The kind where money is necessary for survival but not everything in life. Where status isn’t a ladder to climb or a c*nty post on social media.

I am writing far too much about shitty people. I care too much. I can’t help that. I’ve had a pretty stressful and emotional week.  Oh, probably because i’m ’emotionally weak’.

Nah dude, i’m brave. I opened pandora’s box. I don’t keep it hidden away too shit scared to face it and deal with it. I ripped open those wounds. I knew I had to. That’s what happens when you have a mental breakdown. That shit doesn’t stay buried forever. One day, maybe many decades from now, you may look back on your life and realise you fucked over the ones who loved you. Who’d never hurt you. You called us liars when deep down you know we’re telling the truth. You’ll wish you were braver. Kinder.

I doubt it though. You’re too far gone.

 

This apple is happy to have rolled far down the hill away from the tree. Fuck it, I rolled uphill most of the way against the wind. It wasn’t easy but the destination is better than laying rotting on the ground.

Love yourself enough to accept the truth. To face it. To go there. I promise you, it won’t be easy. It will be hell. It will be more terrifying than any nightmare you’ve had recently. But you’ll feel like you can breathe again. You’ll be able to live the rest of your life without that dark cloud following you around. You’ll love your job. Not because it keeps you ‘straight’ and it’s a distraction from life. But because it enhances your life.

I hope that kindness I once saw glimmers of many years ago, decades even,  is still in there, but truthfully I’ve lost most of that hope and I won’t ever benefit from it if it is still in there. But for the sake of yourself and those around you, I hope you get over yourself. And the demons. And that box isn’t sitting in the dark collecting dust. No-one wants to be haunted like that. Even if they are… quite frankly… a nasty piece of work.