I am estranged from a lot of my family on one side. My paternal side. It’s a decision I do not regret. In fact, I think it is the smartest decision i’ve ever made. Some of them I’ve not spoken to in ten years. Most of them it’s been the best part of a decade too.

Recently, a member I never thought i’d ever speak to again became very unwell. I turned up at her door with flowers. Regardless of how much hurt is still there in my memory, and how damaged I am because of it, I knew she must be terrified. I wanted her to know that regardless of everything, she is in my thoughts and I still love her. Since then we kept in touch. Polite messages every couple of months. Recently we bonded again over some shit from our past. She knew i’d remembered some traumatic things from my childhood. Facing her surgery, which was incredibly dangerous, she too began to remember things. Although we’re not close, and I doubt we ever will be again, we support each other in coping with childhood trauma and seeking help.

My closest family and friends said that the other side of the family (I refer to as the dysfunctional af side), wouldn’t stay a tight clique forever. I didn’t believe it. I thought they’d all be close because in honesty, they’re mostly assholes.

I stood back and kept a dignified silence for years. I knew they would snoop and try to find out what i’m up to. When we were in touch they’d obsess over whether I had a new car, who paid for my dental appointments. Stupid shit. For some unknown reason I was deemed ‘spoilt’. I was far from it.

I blocked them all on every social media platform going. I deleted my Facebook altogether because I found it so negative and I didn’t need that shit in my life.

So, they couldn’t see everything I was doing.  So guess what they did? They started looking on my professional pages. Only, they weren’t too smart about it, as they accidentally liked posts.  Why won’t they leave me alone? It’s not fair. I’ve blocked them on every avenue I can. Yet still they persist. It’s gross. Remember, I’d not seen or spoken to them in years! I was trying to forget their existence in all honesty, because thinking of them makes my world a little darker. They’re too spiteful for me to want to know.

Even more recently, my stepfather and I, threw my mother a surprise 60th birthday party. It was lovely. We invited the family member I was now back in touch with, because my mum would have loved to have seen her there. She was really poorly so unable to attend.  Months later though, a video I had posted online of my mum and stepdad dancing to Michael Buble (we had an amazing Buble tribute perform). My mum is disabled, yet holding on to my stepdad she definitely gave the slow dancing a good go. It was really moving.  The views were pretty high, so I joked with my parents, ‘how many times have you watched this?’. They said ‘4 or 5’. I didn’t think much else of it.

Months later I found out who had been watching it. It was my estranged family, that my mother and stepdad are also estranged from (by choice!).  A woman who married into the family had googled me. Yes, googled me! Found my youtube channel, watched my videos and showed the rest of that side of the family.  This was one of the times that the family member who i’m back in touch with saw with her own eyes how ridiculous they were. She asked why they are watching what i’m doing. Why they won’t leave me alone. Her and her husband didn’t need me to tell them what the others were like, they experienced it themselves and realised how unkind and unfair it was. For the first time, standing back and keeping a dignified silence worked out. It may have taken the best part of a decade but, a life lesson I have learnt, is distance yourself from drama and BS. Honestly, life is far too short. One of them had the audacity to say they don’t want my ‘drama’ in their life. Laughable really. I despise drama, although I seem to be a magnet for it. I hate confrontation and conflict, but I also stand up for what I believe in. I believe in myself nowadays, so I stand up for myself. I kind of always have in truth. This simple act of sticking up for myself brought out the most spiteful, mean spirited aggressive and bitter sides of people. Not hidden sides, to be fair, they serve it up daily on a platter. I’d be nervous to say ‘hello’ to my own blood most days. Anticipating what they were going to harshly criticise about me that day. Let’s be honest, it wasn’t banter. The rules, as with most self absorbed dicks, are that I am not to mock back. I am to just take it.  Ok then. Fuck your rules!  I may have mental health issues that have caused me no end of emotional pain and distress, but i’m more sane than any of them. Furthermore, the company they keep is incredibly questionable!

So, knowing them, they’ll probably read this somehow. It’s honestly a shame they don’t have better ways to spend their time. Whilst they were busy ‘snooping’ on every thing they could of mine online, I was busy getting well. Looking after my mother. Working toward building a career. Living my life.  You know, positive things. Why would I waste my time looking at people who have broken my heart repeatedly? Seeing what your’e up to? Fuck that, man. That’s not how I roll. This world can be depressing enough. It baffles me as to why you’d be going to the lengths you are to look into what i’m up to. My family (real family) and I laugh at the obsession. The time one of you walked in the house, shouted that I had a new car, and stormed out.  Had you stayed a moment longer and not left in your rage you’d have realised I had the same fiesta and was at work. Yes, at work. Days and nights off from uni, I worked!   The car on the driveway was not mine. As petty and obnoxious as you were, it’s certainly comical. Admittedly has made us laugh on more than one occasion.  What was your obsession with what i’d acquired? I was not remotely spoiled! far from it in fact! I’m a bloody hard worker and unlike yourselves, don’t live for handouts. Who’s the one who never cashed the cheques sent? Me.  Who’s the one welcoming, and has always welcomed the large sums of money thrown at them, Not I. Yourselves!  I’m proud how I said Fuck You to someone I have no respect’s money! No matter how much of it he dishes out. I want no part of it. I never have. Even as a teenager I’d get emails and texts saying ‘why having you used the cheque I sent you’. I’d be so pressured into taking the money. I remember numerous people telling me to take it. Perhaps to make themselves feel better for taking it themselves? Fuck knows.

I may be broke as a joke right now, but i’m fucking proud I don’t sponge off of my rich parent.  I value an apology more than i’d value £1 million. The things that are important to me in life cannot be bought. I can not be bought. And I find it absolutely disgusting that you recently implied that a horrific thing i’ve been going through was anything to do with money.  Oh, by the way I was upstairs and heard every sickening word you said! IT took all of my power to not run down those stairs and give you a verbal ass whooping. Not the kind you subject me, the nasty awful scarring comments. No, just facts. Facts in the hope you’d check yourself before you wreck yourself. Keep talking, and i’ll lay all that shit bare and prove how absurd your desperate claims are.  The sad thing is, I KNOW you KNOW I am NOT LYING. You fucking KNOW!  is money really that important to some people?  How gross? What the f*ck has made you such a shitty human? So cold, so evil. A word I previously reserved for, you know, Satan. Fuck me have I seen evil in my life! I continue to as much as it disturbs me and I want to forget people exist.

So now i’m talking to the absolute joke of a couple, husband and wife, who can’t seem to get on with their own lives and show a keen interest in what i’m up to.

 

Guys,

  You are parents. You are not setting a very good example. Why on earth are you looking at what i’m up to? I’ve never looked at what you’re up to (until after I found out about this, and I quickly looked on your social media via my boyfriends page, seeing as I deleted mine and blocked you).  I don’t want to know you. Or see you. Or discuss you beyond this blog post. 

Life is short. Therefore I only associate with kind people. Mature people. People who aren’t spiteful or petty. People who are out there chasing their dreams and not thriving off of drama and constantly seeking something to be envious of or someone to slag off. Not people who condone ridiculous embarrassing immature lamenated A4 sheets of paper discussing someone’s salary and medical issues being attached to village lampposts!  How do you think that’s acceptable behaviour? Really! How on earth are you in the line of work you are when you’re so immoral and absurd? 

I feel bad for you. You care so much about financial status. You brag so much about wealth, it’s cringe inducing and tacky. I can’t imagine being so poor that all I have is money. 

How do you live a life full of such negativity. How do you sleep at night. You spend time with the morally corrupt because of money. Let’s be honest. Take away all the nice gifts, would you still be in denial about things from the past? Probably. Because you live for drama. You’re nasty. You make awful comments regarding ‘poor people’. You also seem to condone the homophobic comments others make and try to make excuses for. Newsflash! there’s no excuses to be a homophobic asshole. 

You’re spiteful. I don’t respect anyone who speaks about their paternal auntie calling her a ‘whore’ at the dinner table on Christmas day. What was it again, ‘she should have kept her legs closed?’. Nice. Classy.  I was trying to eat my broccoli, at THE CHRISTMAS DINNER TABLE.

The same auntie, another christmas, you drew a ’round’ person with a knife, wrote ‘fat slag’ knowing she was in hospital at the time after slashing her wrists. You sent it to all the kids nintendo DS’s on Christmas eve thinking it was funny. Remember how young the kids were then? It was when I was in touch with you so probably about 8 years ago. 

You’re disgusting. I heard what you said about me recently. You didn’t realise I was in the house did you? I was upstairs. I heard every word. You’re twisted and bitter, and an absolute prick. Your wife is as materialistic as they come. Continue to embarrass yourselves and brag. It really is an attractive feature. No amount of Louboutins or Vivienne Westwood shoes or purses will ever make her a lady. A lady wouldn’t be googling someone and stalking the shit out of their page. A lady wouldn’t condone the sort of talk you all love to have, at the dinner table of all places. The company you keep is questionable. After 31 years on this earth, I’ve really learnt to look at the company people keep. It says a lot about a person. You can put on the ‘making memories’ .. ‘happy family’ facade, but if people knew the skeletons in the closets of a lot of them, I don’t think you’d be so brag happy. 

I’ve given up pleading with people like you to leave me alone. So, keep checking up on me if your lives are that boring. If you’re that lame. I’m going to stop caring. I’ve been through absolute hell in my life, and I think you’re aware but refuse to acknowledge it.  I heard what you said about me. It took everything in me to not come down the stairs an verbally annihilate you and your disgusting words.  Not only did I hear, but I had someone else listening too. Equally shocked and disgusted.  Wow, you really hate me don’t you?  As for me looking ‘sad and vulnerable’, yes, I don’t dispute that. Life has taken it’s toll on me in the past decade. Shame you don’t have any compassion. Especially for my childhood trauma, your words were ‘so what, happens to loads of kids’.  As for me ‘picking on your wife’. I reacted to her stalking my youtube. I commented on her being gross and materialistic. Also, as for the other girl i’m accused of ‘picking on’. She’s proven to be nasty. My boyfriend couldn’t stand her the moment he met her. She may be in her late teens, but the homophobic shit she was saying was a reflection of her parent. So, me pointing out that she’s selfish is me being ‘abusive’, my word, you guys need a thesaurus. Remember, you disowned her when she was born. I was the one who adored those kids and was proud of them. You didn’t even want to know them. Do they know that? Do they know what their own father threatened to do to them to get back at their mother?  I had too much class to ever tell them! Believe it or not, I care too much about them to expose them to that messed up shit that was said. 

You wife doesn’t even know me. I used to defend her when everyone said they didn’t like her. Oh how I should have saved my breath! Everyone said she was rude, I said ‘no she’s shy’. Everyone said she’s a bitch, I said ‘no she’s not’. Usually i’m a great judge of character. Not with her. The moment you gave me a house tour of your three story and she basically told me to shut up, because I might wake the kids, during her ‘wardrobe tour’, I knew she wasn’t so nice. Manners eh?   

I do wonder how sincerer your ‘happiness’ is. I’ve seen your ex a few times and she just radiates happiness with her new life. You? I don’t buy it. It hurts my heart. I think if you got help, and dealt with certain aspects of childhood you’d be on your way to true happiness. Locking it in a ‘box’ isn’t healthy.  You know, the people who truly loved you (not the narcissist that showers you with gifts to try and make out he does), I mean the people who truly loved you, and cared so much about your wellbeing (even after you’d been cruel), you’ve truly fucked over. The people who had your back, who cried when you had someone throw paint on your car (although, now i’ve found out why that happened! and I must say, you didn’t do yourself any favours there dude!)….  The people that never let people they married verbally abuse you.  The people who didn’t pull over the car just to beat you because you were ‘disrespectful’.  That person needs to learn what the word disrespect means.  

I hope one day you are truly happy.  The kind of happiness that puts your soul at ease. That would be happy even if you were… dare I say it… ‘poor’. The kind of happiness and love that doesn’t give a shit about being in a rich person’s will because money is not important enough to destroy your character. As much as it saddens me, I don’t think you’ll ever be a good person. You’re far too gone. I miss the you that cried when a badger got run over. I’ve done a whole blog post on the old you that I loved so dearly.  You’re too far gone now. I guess i’ll mourn the you I used to know and accept the you that exists now is intimidating, malicious and immature. Your career doesn’t fool me.  You appearance on a TV show doesn’t fool me. I see you for exactly who you are. The kind of person who gladly causes scars with their words. 

Fuck you dude. Fuck your wife. She’s a twat too. Fuck your greed. Love of money. Your tackiness. You claims for ‘oh my, look at my amazing life’. It’s pathetic and I feel for you. But hey, keep doing you boo. 

Goodbye. I hope you fine peace, true love and genuine happiness. It’s pretty awesome to have those in your life. I would know. 

 

 

I could say so much more. But I won’t. Because I value life too much right now. There were times I wish I wasn’t born, hoped i’d pass peacefully in the night. I know your stance on suicide, it’s ‘selfish’. I strongly disagree. I think you’re assholes. Especially seeing as a family member of ours took their own life. I do not think he was selfish at all. My heart hurts for him still. Even though I barely knew him.  It’s heart breaking.

To the other family members, who know what they’ve done, feel absolutely no remorse, good luck buying your way into Heaven. I hope before then you redeem yourselves and get the psychological help you clearly need. I hope you admit to what you’ve done. I know you never will. That lack of a conscience unnerves me. It’s truly disturbing.  How do you sleep at night?  Dish out the gifts and buy that loyalty and adoration you need. You know if people knew the truth you’d be a lonely group of individuals.

I recently learnt all the traits of a true narcissist. Some of you have every. single. trait.  Every single one. I’ll leave those here. I’m honestly hoping you never read this, I’m sure you’d flip out, call lawyers, try yet another attempt at destroying my life. Go for it. One thing I am in honest, and real and maybe a bit raw. But go for it. I’ll relay everything. I have a good heart. Integrity. Kindness, compassion, and I value honesty above all else.

 

This is an article I read by Linda Martinez-Lewi. I’ve never read something that resonated with me so much. If you’re stalking me online still (because, really, if it’s not stalking I don’t know what to call it)…. do yourselves a favour and read this. Read it carefully.  I think it may enlighten you. Maybe anger you but ask yourselves why you’re angry. Is it because it literally is as if written about someone on that side of the family? I think so.

 

 

Peace. x