Less than two weeks ago a friend told me about a show on Netflix called ’13 Reasons Why’.  I thought i’d watch the first episode, and by the time Clay was riding his bike with Joy Division on the soundtrack I was already hooked.  I thought this young cast consisted of some pretty ace actors. Especially the leads. Hannah and Clay played by Katherine Langford and Dylan Minnette.

Aside from the fact that Katherine is absolutely stunning, I loved the character of Hannah. My younger self relates to her. It sucks being the subject of gossip and rumours. Being misunderstood.  I reminisced as I too was the one who fell  for the loner kid who was a bit of an outcast. I found it so hot when a guy spent a lot of time alone. Wasn’t in a clique. My teenage self would have definitely crushed on Clay.  I’ve not read the book, in all honesty I hadn’t even heard of it, but I stuck with the TV show and i’m glad I did.

I’ve seen a lot of articles floating about saying the show ‘glamourises’ suicide and is dangerous for teens to watch. I disagree. I believe it encourages kids to be kinder to each other. It shows that their nasty words, untruths in the form of gossip and rumours can damage a person so much that they can no longer deal with the world. It shows your actions have consequences. That lack of morals and decency makes you a dick. That integrity is important. That it’s never ok to take advantage of another person. How harmful your words and actions can be.  It reminds the viewer that kindness matters.

 

Sure, Hannah is gorgeous, cool, witty and tapes are so oldskool (not for me, i’m 31. My first few cars had cassette players and I loved making mixtape until I upgraded to a CD player).  The narration perhaps can be perceived to ‘glamourise’ the idea of suicide as it suggests that she’s not really ‘gone’ when she is. She lives on through the tapes.

If you see the suicide scene, it’s far from glamorous. Sure, she still looks gorgeous, but that’s irrelevant here.  I thought the scene was pretty visceral. I didn’t expect to cry. Let alone cry as much as I did. It really struck a chord with me as i’ve been there, more than once. In January 2015 I was pretty much right on the edge. I had scissors under my pillow. I was trying to think of a way to go that’s the least selfish (although I would never regard someone who takes their own life as selfish, unless they knowingly killed innocent people in the process). I just didn’t want anyone to be traumatised finding me. I knew my parents couldn’t afford a funeral for me. I knew my mum needs me. My best friend needs me. My boyfriend does. I was also remembering the incredibly religious people in my life and how i’d be ‘going to hell’ if I committed this sin. That aside, I’d not have hesitated. I didn’t want to be in pain anymore.

When I watched this scene, the acting was incredible. I thought ‘she cut her wrists the ‘right’ way’, (quote from The Craft there by Neve Campbell).  I was flooded with emotions. I was wondering why people tended to cut their wrists in the bath tub. Then I thought is it because it’s easier for whoever finds them to ‘clean up’. Just pull the plug out?  I was heartbroken for everyone who did resort to that way out. People i’ve known who have been depressed and suffered from other mental illnesses. I remind myself it’s just a TV show and that Hannah Baker is a character, but I couldn’t shake the thoughts of people I’ve known that have taken their lives. How close i’ve been there myself. How now I realise it’s not the answer. How I’d never harshly judge someone who did take their own life. How much it angers me that people slag people off after they’ve gone and don’t even let them rest in peace.

 

I thought this scene was heartbreaking. The graphic intensity of it. The character’s shrieks in pain. Glorifying suicide? I don’t think so. I think it showed how brutal it is. How painful it is. How heartbreaking it is. The scene where her parents found her, the acting was so brilliant. Admittedly I cry at a lot of TV shows (I still cry just thinking about the final two episodes of Six Feet Under, man I was in mourning for that show).

I don’t even look at statistics anymore for suicide. Teens especially as it’s so painfully tragic. I hope if anything kids who watch this realise that kindness is always cool. How messed up rape is. How awful it is. How messed up victim blaming is. How reaching out to someone can make a difference. Even just a smile to another student in the corridor or a ‘hello’.

At the end when Clay asks Skye if she wants to hang out, that showed growth. He can’t go back in time and intervene with Hannah and prevent her getting into that bathtub with a razor, but he can be sure to make the effort with others. To try to be more in tune with how others might be feeling. I loved the message at the end. Skye, Clay, Tony and his boyfriend driving off.  I thought that was a pretty neat way to end the show. (or Season, I felt it left it open for a second season with the ending regarding Alex etc…)

I dig the soundtrack. I have it on now as i’m writing this. Not just because I love Joy Division and The Cure is one of my favourite bands.  I just really liked it and the editing, it was done so well. I loved the cinematography. The casting.

 

As a teenager especially, sometimes friendships could leave me so confused. Questioning what i’d done wrong. Things got twisted and misinterpreted and it was beyond frustrating trying to explain myself. I think a lot of kids can relate to this. To have horrible rumours spread about you.  It does get better.  This shit can still happen when you’re an adult, but by the time you’ll realise how lame and pathetic these bellends are and how bored they are in life to be gossiping.  You’ll feel bad and realise that they’re the ‘losers’, not you.

With regards to the sexual assault, the counsellor should have followed her out of the classroom. As an adult watching the show I understand that there was only so much he could have done if Hannah wasn’t willing to name names. She said she didn’t say ‘no’. It was rape regardless. It was horrific regardless. It was fucked up regardless.  It’s a shame she was already close to the edge when that went down. She needed the counsellor to chase after her out of the door. To show she mattered, that it mattered.

What really got me was when Clay listened to his tape. He realised that she felt she’s never be ‘good enough’ for him. How he cried and wanted to jump off of a ledge himself. How painful it was to hear that and how much he wanted to rewind and hold her and tell her that’s not the case. That he was in love with her. That was was worthy.

It was tragic, and ended tragically. Each character dealing with the consequences. Some growing from the experience, turning themselves in, or not being able to cope and shooting themselves.

Whether it’s debating whether the show glamourises something as awful as suicide or not, it’s prompted an important topic to be brought up. Started the discussion on suicide. It needs to be talked about more. Especially in schools. People need to be reminded it’s not the answer. That there’s always something to stay for. That your pain won’t last forever.

I remember lending a guy I had a crush on at uni my copy of Sylvia Plaith’s ‘The Bell Jar’ and all my Elliott Smith CD’s. (He hadn’t heard of him back then, but is now a massive fan). I remember thinking ‘shit, is he going to think I just idolise people who committed suicide’. I didn’t offer to lend him my Kurt Cobain ‘journals’. He didn’t think that though. At least I don’t think he did. Which is good, as I didn’t idolise anyone for this. I just found it tragic that such talent was lost. That these lives ended far too soon. That the term ‘tormented artist’ isn’t just another cliche.

Suicide is never glamourous. It’s not romantic. It’s heartbreaking.  Gut wrenching. Traumatic for those left behind, but more so for yourself in the final moments. Your life is worth so much more than that. There’s so much to live for even if things seem beyond bleak. I never thought i’d smile again, laugh again, I wanted to be at peace back when I had a breakdown. I don’t use that term loosely. I wanted to just finally be at peace. I’m so glad I didn’t go through with it. I am to this day scared at how close I was. I’d been suicidal before, more times than I’d like to admit in life, but this was rock bottom. I’m so fortunate that I had a few loved ones there for me. I can count them on four fingers. My heart hurts for people who aren’t fortunate enough to have even that. I hope they realise that if they stick around they can have that. There are 7 billion people on this amazing planet, you’ve got soul mates out there. Even if it’s just in the form of platonic friendships. The world is so beautiful, you could explore it. If you have no money, or are agoraphobic like I currently am, you can get help. There’s hope. There are people out there who would love to have you in there life. You just haven’t met them yet.

Maybe you do have loved ones (like Hannah) but everything is just too much to deal with. You’re exhausted, mentally and physically. Maybe you’re in physical pain and suffering chronic illness. I can relate to the emotional pain but not the physical but one of my close friends was extremely suicidal at one point as she was in absolute agony daily. Now, she’s had life changing surgery and is a mother and is engaged.

When I was really not well I looked into assisted suicide in Switzerland, to see if mental illness was a valid reason. I knew terminal illness and people in excruciating chronic pain could go there, I was curious to see whether if you were tormented and haunted by mental illness if you could go and get ‘assistance’.  I was very much there, taking it seriously.

There’s hope. Don’t do it. There’s always another way. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. This doesn’t have to be the way you leave this world.  You can get past your pain (or if physical there’s always breakthrough’s in medicine and there’s hope for it to be managed). You can deal with your trauma. Whether it’s survivors guilt, PTSD. Whatever is haunting you.  There are people who want you to stick around. Fuck, I don’t even know you, and I guarantee I want you to stick around. There are other ways to find peace. Peace that you can embrace and remain here to enjoy.

 

Much Love

Stace x