So, I haven’t been to the cinema since Maleficent was out. I also struggled to even go to see that. Before then I hadn’t been in years. I grew up loving the cinema. I always had an unlimited card since I was about 13/14.  I attended sold out screenings in London, I’ve been so relaxed i’ve fallen asleep in the cinema (sorry, Bruce Almighty, it wasn’t you, it was me).  I used to love going to midnight showings of new horror films, sometimes after being at Alton Towers on halloween until 11pm. I loved sold out advanced previews and the atmosphere (Paranormal Activity was ace at the advance screening).

Today though, because I suffer pretty badly from agoraphobia I can’t handle things I used to enjoy doing. My inability to mentally cope when travelling on public transport has made me put my dreams of travelling the world on hold (not given up entirely though!). It’s also not very eco of me that I won’t go on a bus anywhere.  My fear of being in a buy restaurant has meant I’ve missed out on many special occasions, birthdays and also walked out and asked to pay for my meal before it’s even arrived at the table. It’s been a nightmare trying to go on dates with Craig. He’s so patient and understanding though, and not at all judgemental. The guy sure does have a sweet disposition.

I’m overcoming obstacles though. I’m no longer afraid to answer the front door, or open my post. Yep, I became that unwell.  I can now not only go into a shop by myself, I can pay for things myself at the till. When Craig and I first started dating he asked me why my friend always went to pay for me. That’s when I first gave up trying to hide my anxiety from him. By this point in my life I just was exhausted with hiding issues my whole life, and I just opened up.

What I miss most, other than travelling the world, is the theatre. I tried to go to the West End to see The Wizard of Oz for my 25th birthday. It was wonderful, but I don’t remember much other than being humiliated that I cried in front of a relatively new friend, and I had to focus on my breathing to avoid yet another panic attack. What I saw was fantastic, but my focus wasn’t on the stage much.  My closest friend Tom gifted me the Wizard of Oz ticket for my birthday and he would have understood if i’d walked out mid show. He was proud that I even attended. Fortunately I didn’t walk out though!

This year I desperately wanted to see Aladdin at the West End, and my boyfriend and Tom were going to buy tickets to go. I told them not too as I’d feel awful if they spent that money and I was unable to go on the day, or even if I forced myself, if I was unable to sit and watch it in a room full of strangers. I know they’d be cool and not have an issue if we did have to leave, but I couldn’t let them spend so much money when that could be the case.

So today is a sunny monday, and Craig’s off as it’s his birthday tomorrow. This afternoon we went to the cinema and I actually watched the film. I did have to do a few breathing exercises (to myself, even Craig didn’t know I was doing them, i’m not one to want any attention), I did find myself looking at the fire exit quite often, but I am so glad that I went.

I loved Beauty and The Beast. The set design was incredible. The costumes, equally spectacular. Emma Watson was really good (although, I still think there’s a better Belle out there and I’m not 100% sure I dig the casting, It would have been cool to have a stage actress or a lesser known ‘star’. Of course, just my opinion.)  I’ve always said a young Jane Seymour would have been a great Belle. I think Minka Kelly looks much younger than her years and could have been a great Belle, although, i’m not sure if she sings.  Samantha Barks made the transition from stage to screen beautifully. (although did her career start off on screen in a contest? I can’t remember).  I think Jenna Coleman would have been a great Belle.

I’m so glad I went. Baby steps but still, headed in the right direction toward getting my life back.