Today was the second weigh in for Dietbet. (an you know, for life). I was convinced i’d gained back the weight I lost as I had veggie noodles from the Chinese takeaway. I’m happy to report it was indeed a loss, a small 2.2lbs… but hey, better than a gain right? and another small step towards losing my second chin.

 

Dietbet? Well on instagram I follow a lot of inspiring workout/weightloss pages. Not fad diets like Weight Watchers or Slimming World. Don’t get me wrong, some people have had great weight loss results on those plans, and enjoy the group meetings. I just have an issue  with a plan that says you can have 2 mars bars but not an avocado.  Health should be equally as important, if not more important than how you look.  I have to tread lightly and keep my mouth shut as a lot of people get so defensive over WW and SW. I also don’t want to shit talk something that others swear by. I do wish sometimes that people didn’t hashtag #healthyliving in the caption on a photo of a chocolate bar. I also get the look, that I interpret as ‘you’re fat. So why should I listen to you?’

 

Why yes. I am fat. But I have been in amazing shape before. How you ask?  Clean eating and loving an active lifestyle. As I got more unwell, and more stressed and life threw a few curve balls my way, I slipped back to the childhood habit of eating my feelings.  This time to the extreme. I stopped exercising. I suffer form agoraphobia and basically life got pretty dismal. Even though I remind myself of my blessings and am thankful for them daily, the truth is, I was in a bad place for a really long time. I’m just glad that for me, I didn’t turn to alcohol or drugs.  I can’t imagine how difficult it is to come back from that and people’s stories are so inspiring. I actually drink only once, maybe twice a year now. In fact, the last time I drank alcohol was over a year ago on my 30th!  I have quite  a lot of bottles of moet and prosecco collecting dust so i’m sure a few people with benefit from being gifted some champs. I know a lot of people with a lot of reasons to celebrate right now.

 

Speaking of collecting dust… My treadmill is now dust free. My trusty old friend and I reunited, and have been hanging out a lot since. No incline because i’m paranoid about getting huge man calves (is that offensive? Is that ok to say?)…

Dietbet is a website where you pay a fee of $30 (twenty something pounds) and if you hit your goal weight, everyone who accepted the challenge and succeeded share the pot. You literally make pounds whilst you lose lbs.  I was a little skeptical, but I did my research and the site is legit. It’s really motivated me, not only to work out, but to step on a scale and get real with myself. So much so, i’m ready to sign up for my next challenge before this one is even over.

 

I’m back to working hard on film projects. Also some other things. I’ve taken to doing online surveys to make some dollar. Some are incredibly boring, but some are actually really fun. Just make a green tea, sit down for 20-30 minutes, and you can earn Amazon vouchers. I’ve spent mine on a big box of clear coat hangers for the new house. (I know, i’m an exciting sort of person).  But I’ve wanted all clear coat hangers for ages. I also got some craft supplies, a new birdhouse for the next house (for the bird village seeing as I already have over a dozen). I love the sound of waking up to chicks tweeting. We won’t be living in a bungalow anymore so i’ll miss having the bird houses right outside our bedroom window.

I’ve also done some freelance work lately, I don’t think i’m supposed to say what it is. So I will be asking someone to help me write a tax form as we had an accountant do that when we owned the shops. I’m so rubbish with things like that. Maybe they taught us in school, but it must have been really un engaging as I don’t recall a thing.

I hate that i’m still not back to working full time. My panic attacks have gotten less frequent and less severe. Sleep is a bit meh. Agoraphobia, I can leave the house but I can’t go anywhere busy. It’s horrible and really holds you back in life. No cinema, no restaurants, turning down opportunities because you can’t face going into the city. My OCD got better, but has been pretty bad the past two days. That’s the one thing in life that I can’t cope with. Sometimes it’s unbearable. I’m making sure to take my medication on time, as if I miss it for two days I have awful withdrawals. I’m nauseated, and my head feels like it’s in a vice. Just miserable. I am being a lot more disciplined now. Also I don’t skip meals as I have to take it with food. Previously i’d use that as an excuse to not take them. ‘Oh, i’m not hungry, i’ll take them later when I eat’. Now I actually have breakfast. The other day I was running on my treadmill and felt light headed, and had to step of. Then I realised I forgot to eat.  Shocking isn’t it? Someone heavily overweight forgets to eat. That’s probably why my metabolism isn’t great. Also I eat past midnight (not lately). Don’t sleep. Binge eat.  That’s all improving though.

Exercise really helps your mental health too. Especially outdoors. I used to cycle miles with my stepdad and listen to the birds in the trees, and we’d catch up and talk. If you’re really suffering, I know it’s so hard to motivate yourself to exercise, but please consider just a walk. Or a run to get out that frustration. I’ve ran so hard and cried my eyes out before. Not because I hate running (although, I don’t love it anymore) but because I couldn’t cope with my emotions. I was just so glad to be running and not eating my feelings. Or cry in the shower. Let those emotions out man. If you have ace friends, they will hug you when you cry. (not like shit friends who look at you like you’re a weird alien or laugh in your face because they find your heartache ‘oh so funny’).  The keepers will hug you, talk it out, even cry with you. Well mine do, as I do if I see them in pain. That’s love. When you feel so  another person’s pain so intensely. Then again, I cry when I see strangers cry. (one of the reasons I went to counselling).  I saw an elderly man crying on the side of a street once. He had people around him so I didn’t pull over to assist. He was getting hugs. I just couldn’t stop wondering what was happening in his life. Had he lost his wife? His home? A child? A pet? Had he found out he was terminally ill?  I thought about it all night, for days after. I couldn’t stop crying. I’m sure some would be like ‘get a grip you dickhead’ seeing me so ’emotionally unstable’. People from my past loved to cruelly smile as they threw the term emotional wreck’ in my face.  I’ve always been like that though. I think I wrote about the incident where the person in front of me in the grocery store’s card got declined and I wanted to pay for her but didn’t want to embarrass or offend her. That really got me. I broke down in counselling about that one.

 

So i’m gonna leave it there. I think maybe I miss writing essays for uni or something because I love a lengthy post. Reading them too!

 

Much Love

Stace x