I write this as a thirty one year old. I also type this with one hand with tiffany blue nail polish (my left hand) and one completely naked. I have a short attention span and can never do my right hand myself. I’ve gone out like this a few times as I don’t have any nail polish remover and i’m too proud of how neatly I’ve done my left hand to remove it anyway.  I’ve had a few people comment when i’ve done this before, thinking I do it as a statement, or a style… (one counsellor I had commented on it). I’m like, ‘nope’ just short attention span and don’t care how silly it looks. Just like when I buy huge glasses and the saleswoman at the opticians think i’m super trendy and I’m like ‘nah, just have a five head’.

What can I say, I have a self deprecating sense of humour. (it drives those closest to me mad, but it was a defence mechanism since childhood. I point out my flaws before others can, as I was so regularly on the receiving end of insults).

I am learning to love myself though, finally. It’s been a journey. But i’m well on my way.

 

I’ve not been sleeping too well lately. We’re buying a house and it started to get really stressful. It started out super fun. I’m always on right move anyway. Whenever I see a house I admire with a ‘for sale’ sign, or just a beautiful house in general, I go on there to see the value and the interior. I blame my auntie for introducing me to right move! I’m hooked.

Looking for homes, it started to feel like a chore. I was refreshing the page every hour to see new listings (which in January there was a lot, February, not so much. I guess post Christmas a lot of listings go up).

We found a town house we loved. We have no chain. Had the deposit and even offered £3000 over the asking price, but it was sold to an investor who had a 70k deposit as that’s ‘more secure’ even though he refused to pay over the asking price.  It sucked, but looking back i’m so so glad they didn’t accept out offer.

We also looked at a house on top of a hill with the most stunning view. I fell in love, but the home needed a lot of work to make it our style. We got excited planning a loft conversion to really make the most of that view and to have huge editing suite (for me) but our offer was too low and it sold to someone else. We just didn’t feel comfortable paying asking price when it needed a lot of work.

Then we found another house we adored. Again, three stories and the show home was the stuff of dreams. It was well within out budget and a new build. However, the village was one of the less nice villages. We are surrounded by stunning villages, but this one has a bad rep. We spoke to professionals, including a mortgage advisor (who knows the area) and estate agents. We got the hint. Do not buy in that village. So we waved goodbye to the stunning house and took a breather.

I asked Craig to go and visit a place we were told there were no homes left within our budget and the amount of bedrooms we want. I went in a week prior to Craig and was quite abruptly told there were none left. They were all reserved. I asked if there was a chance any could become available again, a swift sharp no followed.

When Craig went in again, to ask about future releases, he phoned me to tell me one was still available. I was a bit pissed as the staff weren’t exactly nice, and to find out they didn’t even check when I asked them to, they firmly said no, and to find out that they got it wrong. But I got over it. I was just stoked.

That is until we went in to reserve it. I ended up in tears because one staff member was beyond rude. (that’s a whole other blog post). Craig was annoyed with her instantly, I could tell. But thankfully he bit his tongue and remained polite. I told my parents what went down and my mum was furious. I called my cousin and she was furious. So I guess I didn’t over react. I will be writing a complaint, but not just yet. Not until closer to completion. It’s ruined the buying process as I now don’t want to go back there, because of this member of staff. It’s taken a lot for me to get to a place where I can not only leave my house, but talk to strangers. This set me back a little. I have been once since, and the slightly more polite member of staff was there. It wasn’t as bad.

Third time, I didn’t go. Craig had a lovely staff member this time. I won’t be going again for a while, but I’ve gone from being really excited to not even wanting to go and choose tiles, flooring, finishes etc… I’m interior design obsessed and I hate that this has ruined it for me.

It’s a challenge people with mental illness have to face. The ignorance of others. The rudeness. Having to bite our tongues and not correct people or point out that they’re being assholes. My family have my back, Craig has my back, my friends have my back. It’s alright. Sassy sarcastic Stacey didn’t make an appearance as I don’t want to lose out on this dream first house. So sassy Stacey will stay in her witty castle until timing is better.

When things like this happen it makes me feel bad for people less strong than I am now. People who don’t have the support. I have a pretty thick skin. I really do. I’m not always crying because someone looked at me the wrong way, or crying because someone’s tone wasn’t exactly warm. Not at all. This staff member was out of order and quite frankly needs to go on a communications course!

 

So that aside, I turned 31. It was super chill. I was supposed to be going to see Aladdin at the West End, as I desperately want to see it. But hey, the joys of anxiety disorder eh? I can’t sit in a room full of strangers… yet. I’m just sad as Aladdin is only on for another few months.

Maya has been spayed. I was a nervous wreck but i’m so happy to report although the first 24 hours post op she was not herself (she wouldn’t drink so yet another midnight call to emergency vet happened)… She’s now back to play fighting, patrolling the garden and being just her bouncy adorable self.

 

Oh, and other awesome news, one of my girlfriends is engaged to the love of her life! It was all kinds of adorable how the proposal went down. If she does a blog post on it i’ll add the link later. Let’s just say, I can’t wait to ‘Be [their] guest’.

 

So back to sleepless nights, I can’t have my favourite yogi Organic ‘bedtime tea’ anymore as it has St John’s Wort in it and I can’t have that due to the medication i’m on. I went to the Health Store in my hometown (which is literally a mini Wholefoods, it’s ace) and I picked up a box of bedtime tea by ‘Neal’s Yard’. I love other products from that brand so thought i’d give this a go. Also it doesn’t have St John’s Wort in. It tastes just like the Yogi tea, but unfortunately hasn’t been anywhere near as affective.

As someone who has suffered from insomnia most of her life (including childhood), I’ve tried so many prescribed sleeping pills. When I was 19 – 20 I was on some, then another doctor took me off of them as I was ‘too young’.  None of the prescription pills worked. Aside from these 7 magical pills that were prescribed to me during January 2015 (yep, I had a nervous breakdown. Not dramatic use of those words, literal.) I didn’t sleep for longer than I thought humanly possible. I was so ill. It really scared those closest to me. My boyfriend took days off of work to keep an eye on me. I was like a zombie and always had someone with me at the doctors to help me talk. One emergency doctor prescribed a ‘one off’ of 7 pills and they actually worked. They must have been super strong.

Aside from those pills, the yogi bedtime tea used to work for me. I was gutted when I found out I couldn’t drink it anymore.

Even though sleep still isn’t coming easy to me (it’s after 2am when i’m writing this) I decided to sign up to Dietbet and try the ‘lose 4% of your body weight in 4 weeks challenge’.  I’m on track, having lost a humble 2.6lbs in the first week. Slow and steady. I only did one 1 hour workout that week as I was so exhausted. I ate pretty clean though.

I’ll expand on the whole dietbet sitch in the next blog post, along with some photos of birthday celebrations.

Oh and sleepless nights haven’t been all bad thanks to Netflix. I’ve binge watched the first 4 seasons of ‘Orange is the New Black’. Late to the party I know, but glad I’m in attendance. Now i’m eagerly awaiting the next season. What a cliffhanger. I just love this show!  I’m watching Pretty Little Liars right now. Not exactly good viewing, but it’s keeping me entertained. Ezra and Caleb are smoking hot. And Wren. And Garett is pretty handsome. The rest of the guys all look the same. I have trouble differentiating between people’s faces (in real life it’s a big problem and so awkward). So it’s taken me a while to realise which character is which. Oh, the new Jason is hot. I can now tell which character is Jason now he’s been re cast. I never intended to watch this show (just like I never intended to watch Gossip Girl, but got hooked).  I’m more of a generation who loved The OC and One Tree Hill. Party of Five was my childhood favourite. So these newer shows don’t appeal to me much. Their target audience is teenagers, so you know, I can’t complain. I can’t watch Breaking Bad as I promised my friends i’d watch it with them when The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, Homeland and Mad men (still got the final 2 episodes to finally get around to watching ) are finished. I Still mis Californication. For someone who doesn’t watch much TV, I certainly binge watch shows on occasion. Six Feet Under will always be my favourite, but I have to leave it a few years between viewings as it’s so heavy and emotionally draining.

So, I am going to close my laptop and once again try and sleep. I don’t usually use technology when i’m trying to sleep. I’ll read or just lay in silence, but it gets so frustrating so I thought i’d look on pinterest, check my emails and write a blog post.

Much Love,

Stace x