The stigma around mental illness definitely makes it difficult to tell people what’s really going on. The fear of people distancing themselves from you, the lack of compassion or understanding. I can recall at least a dozen times I’ve avoided telling the truth. I’ve lost so many friendships, which in hindsight, I don’t believe they were ever really my friends because when I did open up, they still treated me poorly.

 

I thought agoraphobia was pretty much what Sigourney Weaver was experiencing in ‘Copycat’. When she couldn’t leave her apartment and was confined to her home. I thought it was simply where you cannot leave your house. I’ve had periods in my life where I’ve had a ‘bad feeling’ and not left my house that day. I’ve never suffered so much that i’m unable to leave my front door for a long time though. At one point it was a struggle to even go in my garden, but gardening really helped me. I also didn’t want to let my mother’s garden go neglected as she was no longer able to garden herself.

The thing with agoraphobia is, I suffer from aspects of it so severely. It literally has taken over my life and I hate that. I’m a filmmaker and I loved the cinema. I used to go at least twice a week (had to love those unlimited subscription cards). When my Nan passed away and I saw her in the chapel of rest (which wasn’t new to me, seeing loved ones in the chapel of rest after they’ve passed), but with my nan they put far too much makeup on her, and she looked so different to when I saw her in the hospital after passing a week earlier. It really disturbed me. So much so that I couldn’t sleep. My friend slept in my room with me, with both the light and the TV on as having just the light on wasn’t enough. I didn’t sleep for days. I finally fell asleep in a sold out showing of ‘Robin Hood’ (The Russell Crowe one) at the cinema. Being in a room full of people, I felt safe and I slept the whole way through it.  Years prior in London, I slept the whole was through Bruce Almighty in a packed cinema, I was tired as we’d been so busy that weekend. I paid over £10 for that ticket, back then that was considered a lot. But it was central London, and I slept through the whole thing. There was the ‘Nicholas Nickelby’ premier there so when we walked out the red carpet had been put up and there were crowds of people. I wasn’t phased.

Now I can’t even step foot in a cinema. One of the last films I attempted to watch was the first Hunger Games. My friend had so much patience, as we had to watch it in three visits to the cinema as I couldn’t sit through the whole film. Thankfully we both had unlimited cards, and the staff let us go in later on our second two visits so I didn’t sit through the whole film at all. We’d time it so we went back in pretty much at the point we left previously.  The last film I watched at the cinema was ‘Maleficent’. I was determined to watch that, and although I had to leave the room countless times, missing a lot of the film, I managed to sit through most of it. My boyfriend and friend were so encouraging and understanding.

I haven’t always had people in my life so caring. A few years prior I was at the cinema with a girlfriend and her boyfriend, and me and my ex were also there. Sort of like a ‘non’ double date. We often hung out, the four of us. Over the time of our friendship though, I got quite ill. During the trailers I had to leave. My best friend (my ex) left with me, he didn’t care as he didn’t want to watch that film anyway. If my girlfriend hadn’t been with her boyfriend I’d have insisted my friend stay in there, but as she had her boyfriend there, I didn’t refuse when my friend joined me. This cinema was 45 minutes away from where we lived, as it was in Xscape, the snow zone. My friend (ex), had driven us there so of course we’d not go home. We waited the whole film in the car (in winter), so that the others could enjoy the film. When the film finished, we made sure we’d go back to the lobby and wait for them. Oh boy was my female friend angry. Not once did she ask if I was ok. Or thank us for not going home. (which we’d have to be pretty shitty to have left them there with no ride home to be fair). She knew I wasn’t well and I wasn’t good in cinemas, I’ll get to how she knew in a moment.  She didn’t even try to hide the anger on her face.

From my point of view, she wasn’t left alone in there. She was with her boyfriend. We didn’t pressure them to go home at all, we simply waited in a car in winter in the car park (as I couldn’t be in the building). We even went back in to make sure we were there waiting once the film finished. I’m quite certain my friend even text them to explain that we hadn’t left, and there were several attempts where I tried to walk back in. Sometimes making it as far as the escalator up to the top floor where the cinema was.  Those 90+ minutes were pretty exhausting trying to control my thoughts and concentrate on my breathing.  I wish she’d even acknowledged the effort I put into trying to go back in that cinema. Or appreciate that we waited in the cold for them, as we couldn’t leave the heating in the car running for over an hour and a half.

Another time, that I lost friends was when we went to watch a crap film called ‘Battle Los Angeles’. My boyfriend and I (the same ex, who’s now my closest friend) walked into a completely packed cinema. I remember my heart rate going through the roof. I searched for the ‘safest seats’. I was looking at exits, I was looking to see where, out of the few available seats, I could endure the film. (I didn’t even want to see the film but I didn’t want to be selfish and not go with my boyfriend). At one point I found two seats and went to sit down. My boyfriend, for some reason, unbeknown to me, wanted to sit about 10 rows up from where I was. He was so persistent and I wasn’t happy with him. He knew my struggle so why insist on sitting up there in an even busier area. So he came back down and sat with me. He didn’t say anything.

After the film, he came out of the toilets and said ‘I wonder what Shane and Rebecca thought of it’. I said ‘Oh, have they seen it too?’, he said ‘Dude, they were in there. I tried to sit with them’.  Oh my word, in that moment I realised he didn’t want to randomly sit in a busy area, he had seen his friends and wanted to sit with them. If you know me, you know how important manners are to me. So important that had I realised I would have tried everything to tolerate my anxiety and sat with them in the busiest part of the cinema room.  I was mortified and so worried they thought I knew they were there and rudely insisted on not sitting with them. I insisted we wait for them so I could explain.

So we found their car in the carpark and waited for them. I straight away, sincerely, said, ‘Guys i’m so sorry, I didn’t know you were there’. They didn’t even try to hide how pissed off they were. The looks I got, now I know why it’s called ‘daggers’.  It didn’t help that my boyfriend said ‘I told her three times you were there’. Um, firstly, no he didn’t. Secondly, no he F*cking didn’t!!  Perhaps he tried to mouth it to me when I was 10 rows lower than him in a packed room, but when he sat down beside me, and when there was silence between the trailers and the film, perfect opportunity to speak to me, he said nothing. I felt so hurt. He knew how hard it was for me to even go to the cinema at this point, and sit in a room full of strangers. Now he feels deeply remorseful and admits it was a d!ck move, he no longer speaks to them as they started to be pretty spiteful after this occurrence. To be fair, even prior to this, Shane invited us both to the cinema with him and Becky. When they picked us up from MY house, she said ‘Erm… I didn’t know you were coming’. Right, ok then, you thought you were picking up MY boyfriend, from MY house, to be a third wheel on your date without me there?  She was legitimately pissed I was going. Which confused me as I was nothing but nice to her. So, to be fair, after this some people wouldn’t want to sit by her anyway. That wasn’t the case with me. I’m not petty and I’m not rude. What hurt the most is that my boyfriend thought there was a chance i’d seen them and purposely not sat by them. I realised he didn’t know me at all. Now he does, but then, I was so hurt. So this became a big drama, and they were ‘see you next tuesdays’ to me from then out. It escalated from that point. I even put my pride aside and explained to Becky about my anxiety and panic attacks, and how I was solely focused on finding seats close to an aisle and exit. Silly me, thinking she’d have the capacity to understand.

 

That same night, the other friend, the one at the cinema i mentioned before, started slagging me off to my boyfriend!  A boyfriend I later found out that she had a ‘history’ with and never told me. She betrayed me and told him he’d be better off without me. What a spiteful cow. When we fell out, she said she was more upset about falling out with my boyfriend as she ‘knew him longer’. He still laughs at this, he barely knew her. He even text her to say ‘what are you on about? you’re Stacey’s friend, I barely know you.’. When I say ‘history’ they went on the same college snowboarding trip a few times and drunkenly kissed one night at our local nightclub. A scummy little place where you have to be careful not to touch the walls because even the walls probably have chlamydia.

I feel the need to add here another highly amusing thing. She and I didnt’ start off as friends. We worked together. She was so harsh to me I’d go home in tears some days wanting to quit. Her boyfriend at the time was really nice and even apologised to me when she wasn’t looking because he knew his girlfriend was an obnoxious prick.  Eventually we started talking, her an I. To this day I still cringe when I remember her saying ‘I’m a rock chick, I like the Chilli peppers. What music are you into?’.  A question that always made me cringe in life. The fact those words even left her mouth make me shudder to this day. To know I went on to become really close friends with her for years makes me cringe, as I should have known she’s a bit of a tw@.

I tried to be polite and said ‘I guess I really love Jimmy eat world and the ataris’.  She then went of to try and correct me, and said ‘I’m pretty sure it’s pronounced the ATT ARR ISS’. In my head I screamed ‘dude, you work in a game shop and can’t pronounce atari? are you fucking kidding me?’… but of course, I just said ‘it’s pronounced like the game console’.

So we didn’t really get on but we got friendlier. After we both left this job we stayed in touch and went on to be quite close friends. For quite a few years. Eventually I realised that I didn’t like her very much. She was the sort of person who did things for charity because she liked the praise. Something so far removed from what I stand for, i’m more of an anonymous charity giver. But whatevs. Each to their own. One day we were stood in line in a shop and she said ‘I want to do a race for life but I don’t know anyone with cancer. [pause] OH your dad has cancer, let’s do it and say it’s for him’.

 

ARE YOU FOR F*CKING REAL?   screamed in my head. I think she found another name to put on her tee shirt in the end as she didn’t ask me again.

 

I saw her photo recently on some charity Facebook page and I laughed to myself. Hey, if money is raised for charity, then that’s ace. But the ‘look at me, i’m a saint’ grin having her photo taken was a little tacky. The whole self gratification things irks me. Like I said, i’m an anonymous sort of person who rarely puts my name on donations. Or i’d insist on the photo on the front page be of something to do with the charity and not myself.

 

I’ve really gone off on a tangent, yet again. Not going to lie though, it feels good to get all of this out.

 

Back to friendships being ruined by me not being well. The times I haven’t been able to attend birthdays because I can’t handle a busy restaurant. For my 30th my friends booked a private room (with a fire escape) so that I could have a birthday party. It’s pretty special having thoughtful people in my life now. Those who do not judge, who try to educate themselves on what people like me go through. Friends who drive to London because I can no longer go on trains, or buses.

 

Public transport for me is not an option anymore. Even before I was in an evacuation of the London underground it was a challenge for me.

As a teenager, I was in London every week, at least. I basically lived in Camden and at venues like the Astoria. The train and underground was where all of my money went going to gigs. I always found it a bit daunting (one time a woman passed her baby to me whilst she was begging and I was frozen)… but I could cope.  I remember one day a man got on in a big coat and said ‘EVERYONE I NEED TO SAY SOMETHING’. My female friend and I held hands, we both thought ‘Oh shit, this person probably has a bomb’… but he said something about needing money for his music career! (he looked a bit like Ed Sheeran actually… wasn’t him though).

I remember, maybe a bit morbidly saying at lunch later that day, how I didn’t like the underground and I don’t feel safe on there anymore. My other friend and her older sister laughed, and said I was being ridiculous and that nothing would ever happen on it. A few weeks later, maybe days later, I was at work and everyone was saying to turn on the news. It was the 7th of July. I don’t think I need to explain what happened that day.

 

I remember when my friend asked me why I was scared of the cinema. I said a list of things, all deemed ridiculous. I know we live in England but I had a legitimate fear of people coming in with guns. Many years later the Aurora cinema shooting happened. By this time I was no longer friends with the chick who made me out to be ridiculous. I do wonder if she ever felt that perhaps I had a point about cinemas not feeling safe. Probably not. Prior to that, when I wasn’t well, I always felt safest at the front near an exit, but to find out the guy game in through an exit, that just made me feel there was nowhere I feel comfortable sitting.

I just can’t handle being in a situation where I feel trapped and in a room full of strangers. Public transport is even worse as I can’t run off of a moving train, or jump out of a plane.

I hate this, I’ve wanted to travel my whole life. I’ve been fortunate enough to see different continents and have been on countless planes, trains, ships.  I can’t handle it now though. My dreams of backpacking are just that now, dreams. I couldn’t face it now. I’d be beyond vigilant, I’d trust no-one. I’d not cope with airports.

The last time I went on a plane was to Vienna, Austria. As much as I adored Vienna, the only reason I stepped foot on that plane was so that I could see my father visit ‘Pfadenhauergasse’ and have his photo taken where his grandad had stood and had his photo taken before.  That was enough to make me get on a plane. If I knew my dad’s girlfriend was going, i’d probably have insisted just they go early on. I didn’t learn until later that she was going too, and I really liked her, but I’d have stayed home if I knew he had her with him to go with him. The trip came about when we were sat in a little cafe in my home town, my dad and I. He was poorly and I asked him if he wanted to travel. He said no. To be fair he’d travelled a lot with work. The one person I know who doesn’t like New York City.  I said ‘there must be something you want to do, somewhere you want to see’. He said Vienna. I said ‘I’ll go with you’. He paid for myself and my boyfriend to go, and i’m beyond grateful. I loved Vienna. It’s beautiful. But, I knew it’d be hard travelling. I can honestly say I went for selfless reasons. Seeing Vienna was a bonus. I could have happily stayed home knowing my dad and his girlfriend were going though. It definitely would have avoided two very embarrassing and draining experiences in an English and Austrian airport.

I’ve not been on a place since. When we spent Christmas in France and Spain, I wouldn’t go on a plane. That was ok though, as we were taking our dogs with us. I wouldn’t go in the channel tunnel (Even though i’d been on it countless times before, before I was wasn’t well). I had a new fear of it.  I went on the ferry. BIG MISTAKE!  it was winter. Our Ferry was on the news! we were one of the last crossings before it was too dangerous to cross. I remember someone in a rain coat and a camera holding on outside filming it, before they were told to come in. The plates all fell off of the shelves behind the bar/deli. Just like the scene in Titanic. I remember, being confused, why the staff locked the life jacket cupboards. They used those plastic ties. Were they worried people would panic and grab life jackets? Even so, what if we did go on to need them, we wouldn’t be able to get them now the doors were tied!

My parents and the dogs went on the tunnel, and my boyfriend, friend and I went on the ferry. My parent’s got to France hours before us and watched on the news the footage of the ferry port being closed. My stepdad said to my mum ‘Oh shit, Stacey is going to be a mess’.  We laugh at it now. How literally this one dude was a daredevil and it looked like something out of ‘A perfect storm’, him holding on to a rail and filming and falling about all over the place. People beginning to panic as sometimes if genuinely felt like we might capsize. I’m not exaggerating. I wasn’t the only one holding on the he brass bars!  When we arrived at dover it looked ominous and dreary, I wasn’t anticipating this though. This was my ‘safe’ form of travel. Where I could swim if worst case scenario happened. (I admit it sounds funny, but in those moments, you wouldn’t want to be near me. It’s as if I put my fingers in my ears like a small child and can’t converse or move).

 

The crossing home was a bit better, but it didn’t help we were late (having left Versailles a bit late and getting stuck in traffic) and they screamed at us to hurry up as the Ferry was about to leave and they were closing the door. I’m grateful they let us on, as they didn’t have to make an allowance for us, but when you have anxiety and your having to rush, it’s not nice.

The flight I had before Vienna was coming home from Spain and I vowed that would be my last flight. On the way to the airport, the tyre in our rental car burst, and we had to find somewhere to replace it. They didn’t speak very English and my stepdad’s Spanish was still pretty limited. Once the tyre was fixed we rushed through the small airport and they were boarding the plane. My mum (this was years before the stroke), my boyfriend and stepdad and I all had t sit separately. To most people this is no big deal. To me, I knew I was going to end up embarrassing myself in front of strangers.

I’ll never forget the three absolutely lovely women sat across the aisle from me. They were a bit older than my mum, and were coming back from holiday. They kept trying to talk to me, commenting on my shoes, being super sweet. They could tell I wasn’t coping too well. When I was downing vodka they laughed. The couple beside me weren’t too impressed though.  At one point the plane dropped quite abruptly, (which I know isn’t dangerous, I know  a lot about planes, but in those moments of panic logic goes out of the window).  The women who were comforting me screamed, along with some others. I was like ‘oh shit, this is it’.  What scared me most is that my family was on the plane too.

I’m just going to add in here, another reason I no longer speak to someone I used to be friends with. I was explaining to her how I would be less scared in an emergency situation if my family were not there. That was scares me is seeing my loved ones die, or seeing children die. I said, It’s nice having family when i’m having  panic attack but in a genuine situation where our lives are threatened, having them there would be far worse.

She said ‘No, i’d rather have my family on there with me so we could say bye to each other’. I said, ‘but that means they’d die too’… she pretty much shrugged! I just can’t stand by people who have views like that. She also went to visit a suicidal friend in hospital and told her she can’t be her friend anymore. To me that’s beyond f*cked up! She always stated suicide was selfish, and as someone who has had family members take their lives, I cannot stand people who hold that opinion! It’s so far removed from selfish (unless you’re endangering others whilst doing so). I don’t understand people who don’t have compassion for those in so much turmoil they see no way out.  We do not choose to be born. I wish everyone got help and went on to live, but I don’t condemn people who choose to end their lives. I feel nothing but sadness and heartache. Certainly not judgement or anger. Those overly opinionated pricks who openly slate people who have taken their own lives infuriates me.

So, it’s safe to say I don’t miss the friends I’ve lost. The ones i’ve opened up to and tried to explain. The friends and ‘family’ who ridiculed me, got nasty with me, didn’t have the capacity to car or understand or educate themselves on mental illness.

The same ones who claim to be suffering from anxiety now. I’ve had people contact me following a panic attack, not to apologise for the years of laughing at me, but to tell me how much they suffered having a panic attack. Not to say they understand, but to get sympathy. I don’t wish this upon anyone, but after years of being laughed at, the butt of people’s jokes, people flat out laughing in my face when i’m crying and mid panic attack, to then see them go on about their ‘anxiety’. It’s a bit difficult to truly sympathise when I was treated so poorly.

 

My boyfriend and best friend want to take me to see Aladdin at the west end for my birthday in a few weeks time, but as desperately as I want to go, as passionate as I am about theatre, I just can’t let them spend that money when there’s a chance I will leave mid show (that’s if I even make it into the theatre). They’ve said they will drive to the West End so that I don’t have to go on public transport, so beyond sweet and thoughtful. I just can’t put them in that situation. They even said they understand if we had to leave. To me, that’s love.

 

I want to see the show so much. It’s  a dream of mine. I saw Beauty and The Beast in it blew my mind. I’ve adored the theatre since I was a kid, I want to work in theatre as well as films. I went to see ‘The Wizard of Oz’ at the west end and I must have only watched 5% of it. I was so focused on making sure the exits were clear, worried I could see smoke or fire, questioning why some people kept standing up for no reason, or standing by the exits. Originally my best mate and I were going to go, but I ended up going with another close friend who bought his ticket off of him. I feel pretty shit that I probably ruined it for her. Sure, it was my ‘birthday’ trip, but she’d still payed for her ticket and wanted to see it as much as I did. I think if i’d have gone with my best mate we’d probably not have even made it through the whole show but I was determined to not leave.  I won’t even go onto the part on the way to London a woman left her suitcase on the train and disappeared up the platform. I grabbed my friend and insisted we jumped off, the woman then came back for her suitcase (how could you forget a big suitcase, really?) so we jumped back on. I was so embarrassed but I wasn’t taking any chances. I wish I was like everyone else on the train oblivious to it, but I’m a nightmare.  I don’t trust anyone. Not a single person, unless I’m chatting with someone and then i’m cool with people. Now I try to talk to everyone, which i’m sure is equally annoying. I’m not keen on lifts, but since I saw this awful escalator video on youtube (don’t watch it! you’ll avoid escalator’s too) I go for lifts more often. When i’m in them I try to talk to everyone. One good thing about this whole thing is I take the stairs whenever possible, and seeing as I need to lose about 6 stone, that’s a good thing.

 

When I visited my mum in hospital, she was on the top floor and I always took the stairs and not the lift. Some times I was so unwell I couldn’t even step foot in the hospital to visit her. Out of all the months she was in there, I only visited a handful of times. It was as if I couldn’t step foot in there. I was so scared of causing a scene. My mum completely understands as I talk about it with her now. Even one of the times I visited, we went to the cafe and I had a panic attack and to see my mum, who could barely speak, asked if I was ‘ok’, I felt so guilty. She was sat there in a night gown, in a wheelchair, unable to say a full sentence, having survived a severe stroke, unable to walk and with her right arm paralysed, and for her to ask if I was ok, that crushed me. I thought I was doing a good job hiding my panic attack, but clearly my parents can see through it. My boyfriend and best friend also know when i’m struggling even though i’m convinced I’m hiding it well.

I’m not working at the moment, and haven’t been employed for years. Even when my mum bought the shop and deli for me to work in, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t talk to strangers, I couldn’t serve them, I hid in the back, or did all of the pricing/buying etc…

By that point I was too far gone. I’d lost all of my confidence and self esteem. Over the past few years I’ve improved so much. I open my own post again. I answer the door more. I make phonically again. I go to the till myself to pay for things. (Something that for years I couldn’t do. Something that I couldn’t do as a child and would beg my sister to go to the till for me. My vulnerability that she used to ‘punish’ me sometimes. Leaving me in a shop, or knowing if she didn’t go to the till I’d put it back as I wouldn’t be able to face going by myself and talking to a stranger).  At 26 it was if I was back there, like the child I was. My boyfriend asked me why my best friend always went to the till for me, and I broke down.  Now I don’t think twice. It seems so easy and normal for me, but when I was really poorly it seemed impossible. I don’t know if it’s the therapy, the medication or a combination of the two that i’m again able to do things for myself. All I know is that I never want to be in that place again. Every day trying to think of the ‘least selfish’ way to end my life. A way that finding me wouldn’t traumatise somebody. A way that a funeral wouldn’t cost my parents, who were struggling financially since my mum’s stroke and we lost the shops.

I hope to do a fear of flying course with ‘Virgin’ in the not too distant future, but what scares me is part of the course is getting on a flight at the end. I already know a lot about planes, the safety etc… as i’ve spent years educating myself. Speaking to pilots online, watching documentaries, TV series on aviation. The rational and logical side of my brain seems to disappear when i’m having a panic attack. I can’t imagine me going on a train ever again. A plane, I am determined to as there are so many places I want o travel to. So many places I want to work when i’m well. Filming locations. Events I want to attend.

Speaking of events, we went to ‘Back to the Future’ Secret Cinema and rooftop cinema club a few summers ago, and it was so worth it. It was exhausting mentally, to try and be ok throughout, but my word am I glad I forced myself to attend. Awesome would be an understatement.

I just know realistically that i’m not quite ready to face the west end again. I’m gutted as Aladdin isn’t on for much longer, I am worried The Lion King might be closing soon too. Wicked, i’m confident will be on for some time yet, well here’s hoping.  I know i’d have forced myself to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway as it’s the one I want to see the most, but that doesn’t look like it will be coming over to The West End.

I hate this, I struggle to work. I don’t want to be on benefits (not judging people who are, I just don’t think it will help my self esteem) so my boyfriend and friend have been supporting me financially. They’re currently in the process of buying homes now and I refuse to be a financial dependant and affect their mortgage agreements, so i’m hoping to find steady work from home until I can face going back to a regular job again. I’ve done a few freelance jobs recently, that haven’t been easy, as i’ve had to go and meet strangers and be by myself, I’m going back to the doctors to discuss my options and further treatment. I’ve had CBT for OCD. Medication for anxiety and depression. Now I want to address the agoraphobia and insomnia. I just want to be ok again. My boyfriend reminds me how far i’ve come, and it’s really been a journey in the years that he’s known me. HE got with me a few weeks before my mum had a stroke, and before I had a nervous breakdown. My word has he seen me in dark places. Literally like a zombie (aside from the eating people part). Found scissors under my pillow, seen me lose it as we didn’t have ice (I wanted to numb my wrists).

I want to get my life back. I want to get my career back on track, it’s been on hold far too long and it’s been somewhat embarrassing trying to explain to cast and crew why i’ve had to put it on hold for so long. Losing my job = lack of funds. Losing my mind = lack of confidence.  I don’t want to start a crowdfunder for these projects, I’d prefer to do that for bigger projects. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it right now. So unfortunately everything is on hold.

Anxiety has a lot more understanding now. Most people now have admitted they’ve suffered from anxiety, there are only a few people I know who haven’t struggled with it. Sometimes I wish that these same people who seem to struggle with it now, had more understanding and compassion back in the day.

I have hope when I see the people who mocked me so cruelly share posts trying to raise awareness for mental illness. I don’t have Facebook anymore, but I did see a few people who had once made my life hell claiming to care. I hope it was sincere and now a case of ‘look at me and how much I know about current issues, and look how good I am’. I’m choosing to believe it’s sincere but I do have my doubts. It’s easy to click ‘share’, or write a paragraph or throw the word ‘anxiety’ around.

 

If I figure out the answers to getting past this shit, I will be the first to share any resources I have as I don’t wish this upon anybody. I’m not bitter, I’m not cynical, I’m just hurt and perhaps a little skeptical about people’s intentions. Regardless, if it’s raising awareness, that’s a positive thing.