My boyfriend and I are in an awkward stage of wondering if we’re better suited as friends or can we not be apart romantically? Do we want the same things in life? at the same time? I’m 30 now and starting to think about maybe planning motherhood, but Craig seems to think we have a few decades before we need to start planning that. I want to say meaningful vows and he sees marriage as unnecessary. Ben Affleck in ‘He’s Just Not Into You’. That is Craig!  ‘I don’t need a piece of paper to show I love you’. Bah humbug!

 

We know we will always remain family and so close. I love him more than words can express. I have a legitimate fear that my family is going to consist of mostly ex boyfriends (my boyfriend from when I was 19, and again 20 …we dated twice… is today my best friend and literally a beloved member of my family. My parents think of him like a second son, and even my boyfriend’s mum and dad consider him family. Pretty special right? My boyfriend’s parents buy their son’s girlfriend’s ex boyfriend christmas gifts. They don’t dwell on it being ‘strange’, they have the decency and maturity to realise people can stay friends and become family and have a platonic friendship. It’s pretty lovely and to put a negative light on that, it’s beyond depressing.  Although Craig wasn’t keen on my male best friend at first, seeing my friend support me when my mum had the stroke, seeing how deeply affected my friend was, Craig realised that my ‘ex’ is family, not a threat. Now they’re such good mates that I get a little irked when they leave me out). But not going to lie, people don’t really hide their surprise, or even disgust, when they find out i’m best friends with my ex boyfriend. My ‘best friends’ (I feel like a 12 year old saying ‘best friend’) own parent’s have a problem with him being friends with me, and get this, they were angry to find out that not only was he still friends with me, but also friends with my new boyfriend. Even though their son and I hadn’t dated in 6 years, they were complete d!ckheads about the whole thing. Bizarre to me. But I guess it didn’t ‘look’ or ‘sound’ good. It’s a shame as their pretentious and pompous ridiculous judgemental ways ruined their relationship with their son (although i’m sure they think I was to blame. That’s for a whole other blog post). I’m not being disrespectful about my elders, but after enduring years of nastiness and even his mother going to my new place of work and slating me to my fellow workmates who I barely knew, it’s made me a little sassy. Even worse, their treatment of their own son has broken my heart numerous times. It backfired though, as it made my friend and I closer, and didn’t tear us apart as they undeniably hoped.

 

I feel so grateful to class my exes as family, and that we’re best friends, but at the same time I do worry about what people think. I’ve had strangers make comments. One woman I never met sent me a rather spiteful Facebook message (she was Craig’s friend’s brother’s girlfriend)… I know, it’s as ridiculous as that sentence sounds. But she commented on my friendship with my ‘ex’. She’d never met him or myself and she barely even knew Craig. But it’s an easy target for vile people and unfortunately i’ve learnt the world is full of some pretty nasty folk and even more unfortunately I am friends with people who know them by association. I can’t seem to shift these walking abominations… I mean… people.

Anyway, that’s not important. I’ve been putting so much thought into my relationship. My close friend (female, and not an ex) thought of a wonderful idea of writing all of our ambitions, goals and where we see ourself in years to come into a box. My boyfriend and I each write what we want in life, and then we open it together and see how much things match up. As great as an idea as this is, I find it incredibly daunting. What if it’s just a final confirmation that we don’t want to walk along the same path?  It breaks my heart because we love each other so much. When I was younger an adult tried to explain to me that sometimes ‘Love isn’t enough’. I thought the notion of that was ridiculous. Love is everything. Love is ‘all you need’. Love makes the ‘world go round’.  But now I get it. I actually get it. And it’s pretty depressing.

 

I don’t want to have a criteria and see if Craig ticks all the boxes. That’s not organic. That’s so regimented. I love spontaneity. Speaking of organic, I know a lot of people who have met people online and it has worked out wonderfully for them. Some got married, some are engaged, some have bought a home together. But it’s not for me. I don’t mean that as a snob, but I just can’t get into the ‘online dating’ zone. It seems so far from organic to me. I’d rather meet a guy in  bookshop (Thanks ‘Notting Hill’ for giving me unrealistic expectations)… I’m far too awkward to go on a date I set up with a stranger online. And don’t get me started on Tinder! Anyone on there is far too shallow for me to want to even consider going on a date with. ‘Oh wow, my face met your approval? How is my face in person?’. No thank you. I’d rather risk being a spinster with a bunch of cats (well, let’s be honest, dogs…).

Craig is fine with me writing about my feelings on here. I’m completely open with him and he knows exactly how I feel. We’ve been discussing this for a while now and are pretty honest and open about everything. Sure there have been tears and arguments in the past, but we talk through things in a healthier way now.

So, i’m just going to say here, there’s a fine line between sweet and romantic and utter cringe inducing cliche. The latter I am not a fan of. I thought i’d elaborate on this. I’ve always been embarrassed by how much of a romantic I am. I’ve always made out that i’m so ‘cool’ and not into that stuff. Truth is, I’m painfully into genuine romance.

I blame Jane Austen. And Disney. Disney didn’t just give me unrealistic expectations for my hair (Ariel’s fringe just isn’t going to happen for you Stace!) but also for romance. Now I don’t mean I want to sit as a damsel in distress and be saved from a tower. That’d be a bit lazy and unfair wouldn’t it?  I don’t want a sing along chorus in public (although the one in ‘The Sweetest Thing’ with Christina Applegate and Cameron Diaz would be pretty hilarious).

I’d kind of like the dress, Belle’s gold ballgown one or Ariel’s shimmer finale dress please.

But mostly just the effort. Phillip fought a dragon for Aurora. Eric battled at sea for Ariel. Prince Charming got girls to try on a shoe (actually, that’s pretty weak.)

 

I wanted a Flynn Rider, the wit the banter (Craig most definitely is a Flynn Rider, without the smoulder)… I want to roll down a hill like Simba and Nala to Elton John singing sweet tunes at a piano… actually, that sounds dangerous. Scrap that. I’d probably get grass stains on my clothes. Animated lions are romantic when naked rolling down a hill, humans not so much.

I’m a swooner. A butterfly feeling eye glistening daydreamy annoying swooner. I’m someone who rewinds scenes in films to watch the ‘one moment’ again. The moment in ‘The Girl Next Door’ when Emile Hirsch walks across the party to kiss Elisha and David Gray’s ‘This Years Love’ is playing. The moment Reese sees Ryan in the blue shirt at the top of the escalator in Cruel intentions with ‘Colorblind’ by Counting Crows playing. Most recently, a scene i’ve fallen completely in love with was in the movie ‘Bounce’. Thanks to Netflix I finally watched it (late to the party I know). There’s this moment where Dido’s ‘Here with me’ is on the soundtrack. Ben and Gwyneth are in a diner when Gwyneth sees a woman walk out of the ladies room with toilet paper on her shoe. She selflessly gets up and removes it leaving the woman unaware, and saving her any embarrassment, and Ben Affleck (well Buddy, the character) looks at Abby (Gwyneth’s character) and in that moment you just see him fall in love with her. Her selflessness, her decency. The look in his eyes! I’ve been a big fan of Ben’s since Argo, and before that I always liked him, he was in Kevin Smith films, of course I liked him. But this scene in Bounce, I really appreciated him as an actor. I rewound that scene a lot! It’s gorgeous!

Oh and another favourite? Wicker Park! When Josh Hartnett finally finds Diane Kruger in an airport and he walks up behind her and falls to his knees. He stays still and The Scientist by Coldplay is playing. Diane eventually senses he’s there and turns around and they try to take in the reality that they’ve finally found each other again. It’s beautiful! ‘You don’t know how lovely you are…’  Ultimate swoon moment! The way Josh Hartnett removes his bags from his shoulders.

I’m going to go there, I’m going to mention the movie ’50 shades of Grey’. Don’t laugh too hard. I don’t dig the movie as a whole. I think it’s pretty awful. That part when he finds her outside of the nightclub was appalling. But I thought the Beyonce ‘haunted’ scene was smokin’ hot… Hello Jamie Dornan telling her he’s going to ‘remind her’ how ‘nice’ it was knowing him. Swoon wise? I thought the flying scene was pretty swoon worthy. I mean, the dude takes her flying. ‘One Last Night’ by vaults was such a good song choice for the soundtrack there. I really liked that part. When someone welcomes you into their world, what they enjoy, shows their skills and talent, it’s so incredibly attractive. Whether it’s a musician showing you their studio space and playing for you, someone outdoorsy taking you on a hike and you see the world through their eyes and they passionately tell you what they love, or a craftsman teaching you about their craft. That sharing is so lovely. When you see someone talk about something they’re passionate about, and the way their eyes light up. That. (that’s a quote I have on pinterest, but it’s the truth. Preach!)… That is so hot. I’m a sucker for ambition, and talent, and wit, and forearms (it’s my thing ok?) and most of all, kindness. I adore kindness. Craig is the sweetest most generous dude i’ve ever met. He’s pretty wonderful and if we do part ways, whoever captures his heart will be very privileged. I think it’s healthy that right now we’re talking about it openly and calmly. No more tears, or arguments. Just accepting that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Shall I go as far as Gwyneth and say ‘Conscious uncoupling’… No. Those words won’t leave my mouth unless sarcastically. But I find comfort in knowing that we’re always going to be family regardless.

 

Recently  I said ‘If I travel, and my career is successful and I go and see the world and you decide to not come with me, how will you feel?’… He said ‘I would love that. Honestly. I’ll be so happy for you. All I want is for you to be happy.’ (then I fell back in love with him all over again, cringe away). But I want him to want to join me. But I can’t choose a life for him that he doesn’t see for himself.

Recently two friends of mine got married and it was lovely to see two people utterly in love with each other slow dance in a room full of people they love. What can I say, I love Love. I’m not going to lie, I never thought i’d swoon at a Hoobastank song. Back in the day I dug a few of their songs, I mean …I didn’t change the channel when they came on P Rock, but never really rated them (yes I owned an album). If i’d known in advance they were having Hoobastank for their first dance i’d probably have mocked their choice (to their face) being the knob that I am. (archbishop of banterbury of course, no malicious intent). However, in that moment, seeing my friends have their first dance, I really heard the lyrics. It wasn’t just pretty instrumentally, it didn’t seem whiney. I’ve listened to it so much since. It’s pretty gorgeous in reality. And I know it means so much to them and relates to their journey a lot. It will always remind me of those few minutes from now on. I have a new found appreciation for it. I’m fond of it now. ‘And the reason is you’.

So now that i’ve gone on about how annoyingly swoony I am…  i’m going to blog about the times that made my heart skip a beat and the times I’ve been so turned off from a guy. I doubt any men will read my blog, but here’s my advice…

 

1. Do not tell a girl you love her within a week of dating her. It doesn’t seem sincere. It’s not flattering it’s a bit awkward. Especially via text. I think I once replied ‘thanks’ which in hindsight is not the kindest response, but I was utterly bemused.
2. Do not try to french kiss your date in a packed cinema screen. One guy I dated did this and he went from hot to Not. I was mortified. I’m not one for PDA to that extent. I could hear the couple behind, well, I believe I could read their minds. It was so awkward and just ruined the date for me. Also he took me (well I drove him) to see a sequel of a film he hadn’t seen the first movie. Once there it was obvious he didn’t care about watching the film. The film was rubbish but i’ve never concentrated so hard at looking at a screen in my life as I did for those 90 minutes to avoid eye contact in case he tried to kiss me again. I’ve never concentrated so hard on looking at a screen (and i’m a video editor!).
3. Do not buy a dozen expensive red roses for valentines day with crystals on each rose. (I’m probably sounding really ungrateful here), but honestly, hand pick some wildflowers or buy a much cheaper bunch that you put a lot of thought into. The guy who did this turned out to be a douchebag and did something ‘not okay’ and we’re no longer friends. So now I associate showy red roses with crystals with someone trying to get more than a hug. Not cool.
4. Do not tell me i’m ‘hotter’ than my friends. Sorry, but it wasn’t flattering. My friends were gorgeous and i’m not too stoked that you rated us. Even if I did apparently ‘unanimously come out top’ when you and your mates were voting. Shallowness isn’t hot! (This was when I was 19, so a very long time ago but even then I wasn’t impressed. A bit gross really). And let’s be honest here, you’d probably say the same to them if they were  the one you were talking to even though you insist you wouldn’t. Sincerity please. The cool girls don’t fish for compliments so don’t go needlessly throwing them about to the detriment of your character. They also don’t compete with their friends like that. So, just no. move along.
5. Do not ask my friends out after I turn you down, and then go back to me and ask me again and say ‘I only want you’. Again, Move along.
6. Do not show me every item in your wardrobe and tell me how much each designer shirt cost. Do not ask me into your bedroom on a first date regardless. Or Second. Or third. Unless you want advice on your interior decor, in that case i’d love to give my opinion!
7. Do not show me the dead duck in your freezer and tell me how much it cost and say you’d love to cook for me. (even if I was a meat eater back then, just no!)

 

I probably sound like a stuck up awful human being who expects too much, but i’ve had some really bad dates. Some that I didn’t even know were dates, but heard through the grapevine later that apparently it was a date according to him. (Note, if a woman asks if she can invite her friends, she doesn’t think it’s a date. Also do not tell her there’s no room in the car for her friends, and then upon getting in the car she sees only a laptop on the back seat).

 

I’m going to just list here the most romantic things guys have done for me. Be prepared to cringe. But in these moments I felt butterflies.

1. An ex brought me home a sand of jar from my favourite beach whilst he was away. (it later turned out he had gotten the wrong beach in the same town, but it’s the thought that counts eh?)
2. A guy kept the wildflowers I picked for him when we were chillin’ by a little lake (ok, let’s be real, it was a pond, but a rather large one). He had them in his bag still when he moved to New York City and showed me photographic evidence whilst he was on the subway (as I didn’t believe he still had them). Guy turned out to be a douche, but this was a proper swoon moment for me. I fell for this one pretty bad and took a while to get over the fact I didn’t mean much to him. Falling for him took me by surprise as i’d known him years, and always thought he disliked me. Then we got drunk together one night and clicked and laughed all night. I was hooked.
3. The same douche wrote sweet words on one of his benjamin’s before he moved. I still have the dollar. But not because i’m pining over him, because I want to give it away when i’m there so something good comes of it.
4. My favourite day of the year is Hallowe’en. When Craig and I had been seeing each other a few months he invited me over to watch a horror film. I walked into a house covered in pumpkins he’d hand carved. I mean covered, there were so many. All that lit the house was the flickering of candles. This is one of my favourite moments ever! The effort that took, and the fact he listened when I said I was really passionately into Halloween (even the americanised way of celebrating).
5. An ex bought me a Michel Gondry dvd as he knew I was a big fan. I already owned it and like a complete idiot told him I already had it. Dickhead move on my part! So sweet and thoughtful though. I should have pretended I didn’t already own it but in the moment I wanted him to have it and watch it and maybe fall in love with Gondry like I had. Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy.
6. I had a song written about me. Although, it made me cringe, it was pretty good! I was never remotely into the guy, but he was talented. I actually think this should go on the previous list as it did make me cringe a whole lot regardless of how good the instrumental was. Dude also got the colour of my eyes wrong. but, maybe that’s me being picky.

 

So, I really don’t think i’m asking for much. A relationship is a two way thing. (Unless you’re into polyamory, or whatever rocks your boat).  It’s not about a dude paying for you all the time, opening your car door (Craig would just raise his eyebrow if I hinted for him to open my car door.. ‘really Stacey?’).  But thoughtful, kind, ambitious, passionate, witty dudes with nice forearms…. I don’t think my expectations are that high?  But you also need to see a similar future ahead of you don’t you?  Is the above enough? unfortunately not when it comes to making important life decisions. As a female at thirty years of age, your love of spontaneity can begin to conflict with the reality of your biological clock. I know i’m not ready to have children yet, but realistically, I don’t have that long left. I don’t want to ever have resentment in a relationship. So do you walk away from someone you love so much, for his sake too? Are you soulmates if you want different things in life? Does your romantic partner have to be your soulmate? Can’t your friends be your soulmates? I don’t want anybody to ever propose to me to make me happy. Or because they feel pressure. I want a guy to propose to me because he wants to grow old with me (which Craig says he does, and has more than once made me a mixtape (of the CD variety, but mix CD doesn’t sound as good) including the Adam Sandler song ‘ I wanna grow old with you’ from The Wedding Singer, one of Craig’s favourite films.  I want someone to want to say meaningful vows, to give me their surname, to see me in a wedding dress. To commit and see marriage not as a ‘piece of paper’ but a declaration of love. The making of promises in front of witnesses. To have a moment that is ours, a moment we’ll always remember and share with people we love.

You can’t make somebody want the same as you. And it doesn’t mean you’re settling staying with someone who doesn’t want to get married. I’d never call staying with my boyfriend ‘settling’. But is it healthy to wonder if there’s someone out there who would want the same as you? To wonder if there’s another woman who’d make your boyfriend happier? I don’t want him to ever feel guilty for not wanting the same things as me but I can’t push aside how I feel. I feel strongly about these things. Ever since my mother had the stroke, i’ve believed even more in marriage. Seeing my stepfather by her side, sat in the hospital for weeks on end on a chair beside her bed. Even recently when we found out my sister has a brain tumour, seeing the pain in my brother in laws eyes, and the strength of their marriage. I know this sounds depressing, but marriage really means something to me. I know Craig would be there for me no matter what, but I don’t know, vows mean something to me. There’s a reason I cry at weddings, and it’s because it’s just a beautiful moment when two people make those promises to each other out loud.

I used to joke that I’m always the bridesmaid, never the bride. I’ve been a bridesmaid so many times in my life (6, at least), i’m starting to believe that there’s some truth to that saying!

I couldn’t give a sh*t about Facebook. I rarely have it activated. I wonder if my boyfriend thinks i’m sucked into all that ‘pressure’ of everyone else getting married. If he thinks that then it saddens me that he perhaps doesn’t know me quite as well as I thought. Surely he doesn’t think i’m lame like that.

Sure, I have a wedding pinterest board and I follow wedding themed instragram accounts, but to me, you should aim to have a marriage as beautiful as you wedding day. It’s not about a ‘show’, it’s about genuine commitment and happiness, for the rest of your lives.

Oh well, at least i’ll have a house full of dogs and the best friends/family I could ask for. –

Much Love,

Stace x