You want me to get on a plane for you. But do you not remember the time I had panic attacks on the London underground and you didn’t understand?

How even though there was an evacuation and others were crying, I walked at a fast pace concentrating on remaining calm and you were ahead of me, turned around and shouted for me to ‘RUN’. Yet you later denied this..or forgot. I didn’t forget.

Do you remember how you all laughed at my expense the entire way home. Do you not realise how frozen in fear I was to have to get back on a train again. The train on which you all mocked me and laughed all the way from London back home.

Do you remember how you continued to laugh, for years at my expense. Not caring to learn about my mental illness.

Do you remember how you brought it up in mixed company and continued to laugh not realising how humiliating and upsetting it was for me? As you laughed, I later cried.

You want me to get on a plane for you, so that YOU do not feel alone on this holiday. Not for me, or because i’ve been poorly and not been on holiday or travelled for years. You want me to get on a plane FOR YOU.

I will not get on that plane FOR YOU. I love you, I love you so much, but I will not get on that plane for you. I will get on a plane again. Many I hope. I will travel and see the beautiful planet like my wanderlust desires. But I will not get on a plane for you. I will get on a plane again one day. I will get on a plane for me.