I love positivity. I love to be around positive people. Some of the most positive people I know have been through some of the most traumatic things imaginable in life.

However, I feel sometimes the positivity parade can be a negative thing. I heard the other day on the radio about a woman who’s close friend had stage 4 breast cancer. She said that her friend spoke about feeling as if she was culpable in her own illness by feeling depressed and people kept telling her to ‘keep positive’.

I think living with a positive mind is so healthy and important, but I also believe being in touch with your true feelings, acknowledging them and admitting you are struggling is a good thing. Sometimes when I was really not well people would say ‘snap out of it’, ‘happiness is a choice, an attitude’. But I disagree. Severely clinically depressed people and people suffering other mental health issues don’t choose to be depressed. These ‘positive’ quotes I see all over Facebook ‘Happiness is a choice’, I get them to an extent, but I also think in some contexts they can be damaging.

It’s okay to not be okay. It’s ok to need a helping hand (or hug). It’s ok if you don’t always have a smile on your face. It does not make you less of a person. However, I myself always try to see the positive in everything. The silver linings…

I remind myself that growing old is a privilege denied to many. I remind myself that I still have my eyesight, my ability to talk, walk, I have my hearing. This resonates with me even more now my mum has had a stroke. Simple things I used to take for granted, conversing or writing, I now remind myself that i’m able to do those to. An email i’m putting off, or a letter I have to write, when it feels like a chore, I’m thankful i’m able to.

However, depression does not mean a person is ungrateful for their blessings and I have so much sympathy to anyone struggling in life. I’ve had friends in the past who have really thrown themselves a pity party. During a very difficult time in my life, when a loved one was diagnosed with cancer, my friend said ‘I know exactly how you feel. I thought I chipped a tooth this week and my car got scratched’. In those cases I wanted to shake my friend and say how trivial that was. She also said she can relate to feeling suicidal as she once ‘Pressed scissors on her wrists to leave marks so her mum would notice’. Personally, although perhaps a cry for help, it didn’t feel the same as being in a genuine suicidal frame of mind (which is a horrific all consuming terrifying place to be).

So, I do not think it’s as simple as we ‘choose to be happy’. Some people are genuinely unwell, not just being ‘Negative Nancy’s’. (Poor nancy, she’s got a bad rep).

But you can try to challenge your belief system. How you interpret information, and how you deal with situations. This is something i’m working on in therapy currently also.

I’ve always felt inferior to other people, woman especially. I have been consumed with insecurities my whole life, many of these reinforced. Today, I am working on a happier, healthier me though. Every day is an opportunity to experiment and grow.

I mentioned in a previous blog about an awful experience at university. Where I Wasn’t chosen last (Which I could have handled), I wasn’t chosen at all. That rejection just reinforced the inferiority belief that has plagued me since childhood. Other’s also often compared me to other people, even adults told me I was ‘different’. They meant it in a negative way, with malicious intent, but today I see ‘different’ as a great thing. I choose to see the positive side of how i’m ‘different’ and no longer let those words from my childhood hurt me. Sure, there’s so many scars and I didn’t think at 30 I’d be recovering from my childhood still, but I’ve definitely come a long way.

Two experiences that stick our in my mind. One was on my sister’s wedding day. I was at the hair salon, and I didn’t have my usual stylist who works there who is lovely, I had a female hairdresser i’d never had before. She wasn’t very friendly (I don’t think she smiled once). She asked me how much younger my sister was than me. I corrected her and told her my sister is 4 and  half years older than me… her response ‘How old are you then?’.. I replied ’21’. She screwed up her face, and said ‘you look a lot older than that. Like, A lot’.

Safe to say I was very self conscious that day. I went from feeling excited about seeing two people in love say their vows and myself getting to wear a pretty dress and celebrate with loved ones to on the verge of tears.

Age doesn’t bother me. My maternal grandmother always said there was no point in dreading getting older. I also feel it really is a privilege denied to many, to grow older and wiser. However, my insecurities are with regards to feeling unattractive. This shouldn’t relate to age, as Julie Andrews is stunning and she’s much older than myself. I don’t believe as you get older you become more unattractive, but I do want to look my age. Not even younger, but my age. So looking older than I am it makes me feel like a challenging life is showing on my face. I’ve had sleep problems since childhood, I’ve been eating my feelings in recent years, I’ve honestly neglected myself. I just don’t need a reminder. My auntie is lovely and gives me a gentle reminder, encourages me to wear makeup, and that’s different. That’s because she cares. I mean I don’t need a slap in the face type of reminder.

A year prior to this, when I started working in a restaurant, my first night I was in the kitchen. First of all the chef, who in actuality was a bit of a prick, didn’t even say hello to me. Didn’t acknowledge me. He said very loudly to the other males in the kitchen, ‘so boys, how old do we think she is’. Some guys said younger than I actually am (maybe being kind), but the chef guessed 25. I was 20 at the time. Now, in hindsight 25 seems young to me. But in that moment, it knocked my confidence. Maybe a big part of that was the obnoxious chef (well, let’s call him a cook, it was a pub after all)… didn’t acknowledge me as a person, before or after that incident. He was really rude. It wasn’t banter. It was cruel. It was my first night, I could feel my cheeks burning (not just over the microwaved paella I had to serve). It was just so inconsiderate and ridiculous. He was hostile and arrogant. Later we had a new chef who was awesome. A lot of people were intimidated by him but I thought he was hilarious and the archbishop of banterbury. He told me ‘I told [our boss] I learnt to cook at college, I Really learnt in Jail’.  He was the reason sometimes I’d still be laughing when I was serving customers.

Back to the point I was making. One other time the age thing hurt me, was at my grandad’s death bed in hospital. (my paternal grandfather), an uncle (Who quite honestly I forgot existed)… made a joke that I looked old and couldn’t believe I was the younger sister. I am in no way competitive with my sister, we’re estranged now, but I had always been protective over her, boasted about her talent, and really been happy when people have said she’s pretty. Or even when guy’s i’ve dated asked who was the other girl in photos. I took it as a compliment. I’d be proud to say ‘that’s my sister’. She’s slimmer than me, shorter than me, and she probably does look younger than me. That’s fine, but the laughing at me looking older by other people just really hurt me. A genuine mix up, that’s cool, but the unkind commentary when I didn’t ask for their opinion, that’s not cool. Especially at a heartbreaking time like that, I found it really inappropriate that a grown man would say those comments to a woman. To anyone. None of us looked our best, we had all been crying. We were in a hospital for goodness sake. I didn’t even think about how I looked, until later when I heard his words repeatedly and saw his smug obnoxious smile. It wasn’t important at the time, but it also wasn’t necessary.

Recently another hairdresser, (not mine, a family members) commented on me having 5 dogs and said ‘no wonder you’re grey’. I have about 5 grey hairs. I embrace them right now as a hair salon visit isn’t a priority or expense I need to focus on. But people’s lack of tact does hurt. It’s also amazing to me that one insult or careless comment can cancel out a hundred compliments.

When I was older than any of the prior instances, I was 23 working in the skate shop, a mystery shopper thought I was 18. When I was 23. I breathed a sigh of relief. A school friend of my mum’s recently thought I was in my early 20’s and couldn’t believe I was thirty (I told her she’s kind to flatter me, but she insisted she thought I was in my early twenties).

To some people the age thing seems petty. It does to me too and I feel like a hypocrite judging myself so harshly when I don’t look for flaws in others. I don’t have the same negative thought process regarding others as I do about myself. People’s unkind words stick with you though.

I have made so much progress though. There was a period in my life, over a year, where I wouldn’t allow daylight in my bedroom. My blind was firmly down. I avoided mirrors. If in a car I would have anxiety at even pulling down the sun visor incase there was a mirror on there and i’d catch a glance of myself. My boyfriend would ask me to see him during the day, to go out somewhere, but i’d only see him at night. I made an excuse for him to dim the lights in his house ‘Oh I have a headache’, ‘bright lights are hurting my eyes’. He was so brilliant, and understanding. He later told me he knew I had some insecurities and he’s honestly helped me get past them. Not just because he’s  lovely person who never puts me down, but he literally gave me my smile back.

One of the reasons I lost confidence was because of weight gain. Another, I wasn’t able to afford trips to the hair salon and I stopped wearing makeup, but mostly, my smile. I had braces on the NHS when I was 17, in fact, I had my bottom braces on twice. I was so grateful to have them but I was never truly happy with the outcome. I felt I wasn’t listened to but I felt I should be grateful and I focused on the improvement in my smile. I ignored the gap in my front teeth, after all, I was blessed to have been allowed braces on the NHS.

Over the years though, even though I wore my retainer, my teeth started to move back. My retainers being worn at night didn’t seem to be enough. One day, I was discussing braces with a guy at work in the skate shop, his girlfriend had them at the time. I was talking to him about when I had braces and a woman (who was only working their for a day covering someone else shift) said ‘What, YOU had braces?’ She looked at my teeth, raised an eyebrow, and kept repeating that she couldn’t believe I had braces until I said ‘yeah, but they moved back a bit’, she said ‘oh right, I was going to say…’

Nice. I know.

I am real. I am not one to expect everyone to sugar coat everything in life. I’ve been through a lot, and I think i’m pretty strong, but sometimes I do wonder how people so casually say things like that. I want to accept everyone for who they are, but sometimes I get pissed off when I hear someone voicing their opinion when it will result in needlessly insulting a person. You know, when it’s not constructive criticism.

Again, I’ve gone off on a tangent.

Self love. I hope people love themselves fully as much as they claim to. I hope the need for validation doesn’t rule their lives. Especially with social media. You are not measured in the amount of ‘likes’ you get. Your success isn’t measured measured by the amount of ‘likes’ on your business page. Your talent isn’t measured by ‘how many jobs you book’. Sometimes you’re not what the client is looking for.

Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. If you need to cry, cry. If you’re struggling, that’s ok. If you need help, that’s ok too. A positive mind is great, it’s taken me a long time to become the positive person I am today, but everyone’s journey is different.

I used to self deprecate a lot. My boyfriend didn’t like me doing this. I said it was my sense of humour, but in actuality it was a defence mechanism. I’d point my flaws out before anyone else could. I couldn’t handle people pointing them out to me, so i’d ‘get in there’ first. Putting yourself down as much as I did isn’t good. Don’t do that. Don’t put yourself down at all. By all means be modest, and engage in banter, be able to laugh at yourself, but be kind to yourselves also. I am honest about my experiences and insecurities as if I can help just one person feel less alone, then this blog has been even more worth while and not just cathartic for myself. I don’t think this makes me weak, although i’m all too aware of people with the mentality that strength is ‘keep it all locked up’, regarding emotions, problems, trauma. I think it takes strength for a person to talk about things. Everyone’s different, everyone has different ways of coping and moving forward. Can’t we all find respect for each other and our approaches to dealing with things? That’d be pretty cool. You know, to understand that some people are open books, some people are introverts, some people are guarded, some people share their stories because they’re tired of pretending everything’s ok. We’re human, and we all have problems, yet to some extent with apps like instagram and other social media we’re always putting out how ‘great’ life is. The best versions of ourselves. That’s great, high five for positivity, but I’m not that person. I’m the person who will always try to find the positive, has a great sense of perspective but will openly admit when i’m struggling.

And No, Not for attention, but because I hid behind a fake smile most of my life, and never got the help I needed. I see no shame in it now. I like to share pretty photos of things that make me happy on instagram, the occasional selfie, videos of my dogs being adorable, but I think of it as a visual diary and sometimes i’ll put a less than ‘happy’ caption to accompany a photo. There’s no shame in admitting you need help. Admitting that sometime’s happiness seems like a far off destination, and not ‘the journey’ as people preach. You know, the types of sayings printed on a piece of ply wood with a butterfly that hangs in people’s kitchens, or on their mantle pieces that they bought from ‘NEXT home’ or ‘The Range’. Up there with photo frames that say ‘Family’, or quotes in frames that claim to have been said by famous actors/philosophers/ writers, where the fact checking slacked and the words were never spoken or written by the person.

Sure, I say affirmations in my head. I’ve gone as far as to write them on a heart shaped post it note and put them on my mirror. They’re a helpful reminder at a glance.

By all means radiate positivity if that’s who you are. But do not feel bad if you struggle to feel anything at all, or anything but sadness. I hope the cloud is lifted one day, and you’re able to be sincerely happy. I believe it’s in the cards for everyone but you sometimes have a journey to get there. The world needs more positivity, but I urge people to also be sympathetic to those who are struggling. Try to lift them up, encourage them, remind them of their blessings, but understand they may be already reminding themselves already  and you need to accept some people just aren’t in the same frame of mind as yourself. Allow people to be in touch with their true feelings without judgement.

If someone is being a negative nancy and their ‘woe is me’ attitude is draining, then maybe enlighten them with a sense of perspective, but that’s not quite the people i’m referring to. I’m referring to people who are really struggling, maybe they’re vocal about it, maybe they keep it to themselves. Sometimes a hug can help more than a lesson on positive thinking. Sometimes listen, rather than talk. Maybe not repeatedly go on about how ‘amazing’ your family is when they’re heartbroken over their own dysfunctional family and the cutting of ties. By all means be grateful for your loved ones, appreciate them and celebrate how wonderful your relationships are, but be kind enough to know when to refrain from drawing comparisons. It’s a case of sensitivity and decency. Do not say ‘man, I’m glad I have my family and not yours. My family is awesome. I’d hate to have yours’. Maybe think it, but remember to THINK…

ask yourself,

is it True

is it Helpful?

is it Important?

is it Necessary?

is it Kind?

 

(not my words, but words to live by).

Also, being kind and thoughtful is not the same as walking on eggshells. It’s unfortunate some people feel it is.

Just be kind and considerate. It’s pretty simple.

Much Love,

Stace x