I don’t want this to be a long blog post, but it’s something that I want to get off of my chest. I started last weekend with a workout. On the friday late afternoon. It kicked my butt, but I was so glad I did it. With therapy i’ve focused on my weight gain briefly, and my lack of exercise. Truthfully, I get upset when I exercise. I used to be very fit. I worked late shifts at the video store, so i’d go swimming at 7am, then jump on my bike for a 2.5 mile trip and then i’d get on my treadmill for an hour. This was my daily routine. If I missed a work out i’d get a little cranky. It was such a big part of my life, it was great for stress relief, and my body was in much better shape back then (I only had one chin! brilliant!). Nowadays when I exercise, it feels like a constant reminder of how i’ve let myself go. It’s also why I avoid mirrors.

Over the years, the weight crept back on. Mental health issues, a long term relationship, juggling an unpredictable work timetable as a waitress with university, alongside sleep deprivation, I gained a scary amount. I’m yet to lose the weight.

I’m an all or nothing person. I had orthorexia for a time, I was obsessive about clean eating, but that was replaced by my childhood habit, binge eating/comfort eating. If I was worried, I’d eat, If I was emotional, i’d eat. If I was procrastinating, you got it… I’d eat. I ate my feelings, clearly I had a lot of feelings.

Yep, like i’ve said in a previous blog post, I’m the chick from Mean Girls who just wants everyone to be happy.

 

(Whoever drew this, I need to credit and high five)

When I was much slimmer, I was an hourglass figure. Today, I would love the shape my body once was, but back then I wanted a ballerina physique, I wanted to be really slim, petite and I’d wear baggy tee shirts and guy’s jeans to hide my curves. One time I put on a dress, and everyone said my figure looked lovely, but I got self conscious and ran back upstairs and put on a hoody. If only I accepted my body back then.

So, speaking of curves. I am not curvy. I am heavily overweight. I was curvy. As much as I despise fat shaming, I think fat glorification is dangerous. Fat acceptance is necessary, I think people can be cruel, misinformed, judgemental and generally harsh people. Equally though, ‘skinny shaming’ isn’t kind. Slim privilege is a different issue entirely, but people all come in different shapes and sizes. I can’t stand the posts that say ‘Real women have curves’. I am naturally curvy (when i’m in shape), but I do not consider myself any more a woman than a very slender girl with a modest chest and small hips. Not cool.

I love that people are embracing their bodies, and I love that there are plus size models (although, personally I think some of the plus size models are so small that it’s shocking we consider them plus size).

Sorry, I tend to go off on tangents, as my friends know all too well. *focus Stacey, focus*

I will not refer to myself as curvy right now. I am in no denial about the shape my body is in. I need to lose weight for my health. It’s not comfortable being overweight, I only wear elasticated skirts now. I don’t remember the last time I wore jeans. At least 8 years ago. I wear black t shirts every day. Not to make a statement, but just because it’s all I feel somewhat comfortable in.

I decided to work out on friday. Not monday. I wanted to get out of that ‘I’ll start on monday’ mentality. My advice? Don’t Wait Until Monday.

I’m also changing my lifestyle and continuing to educate myself on nutrition. I’ve always known a lot about nutrition, back when I was much slimmer and healthier, but my binge eating over shadowed my better knowledge. Today, I am continuing to learn and accept my issues. I am slowly getting less angry with myself when I can’t work out to the extent and pace I used to. I am not vegan, but i’ve adopted a plant based lifestyle. I don’t eat meat, I avoid dairy and eggs. At first I had organic milk and free range eggs, but now I very rarely have either. (Rude Health’s Oak Drink is great, and chia seeds in place of eggs for baking).

One thing that still angers me though, is the fat shaming. The amount of times i’ve been called fat, or ‘fatty’ by grown adults. One of which is a police officer. To be fair to that person, they were not on duty, and it was a domestic dispute and we know each other personally. However, it still shocks me that somebody in that profession, fat shames. It’s just strange to me. Maybe I expect people with careers like that to have such high morals and dignity, but I guess, we’re all human.  I do feel they were pretty petty to resort to calling me ‘fatty’. I mean, use a bit of originality. Do people think that I am oblivious to the fact I have a lot of fat (I have fat, I am not fat)…. Do they think I don’t realise I have a second chin? Do they not realise I wear long sleeves to cover up my pale untoned arms?  Of course they realise. It’s  a cheap blow with malicious intent to hurt me. It doesn’t though. Well, in the instant I felt my eyes tear up a little, but afterwards it was laughable. Such an easy target, a woman’s weight (or a man’s). Dude, You’re not telling me anything knew. My mirror tells me i’m overweight every day.

I’m used to the ‘fatty’ comments. People inflating their cheeks whilst looking me up and down. Here’s the thing though, does my BMI make me inferior to you? Does it make me less intelligent? No.

I’ve been in great shape, over a decade ago, but I know what it’s like to not be the ‘fatty’. When I lose weight, it will be for me, for my health, for the health of the future child I carry if I’m one day pregnant. It won’t be for the fat shamers i’ve encountered. It won’t be for the attention of guys that only want to know me when i’m ‘looking good’. It will be for the right reasons this time.

Whilst I’m talking about health though, fat glorification. It upsets me if i’m honest. I’ve seen morbidly obese (I don’t like typing that) models claiming that they’re healthy. I’m happy that they say they’re happy, and I hope that’s genuine, but I do wonder if they really are happy. I’ve seen very heavily overweight models (I’m not going to name them, but some very famous) refer to themselves as curvy. Casually eating junk food. I think this is a dangerous message to send out to vulnerable impressionable young people. Just like saying size 0 is more beautiful than a size 12, and that size 12 is considered plus size.  I think the focus should be on health. I don’t think saying ‘it’s ok to be this big, i’m healthy and happy’ is ok. I think it’s better to say ‘I am happy. I am not defined by my weight, but I am on a journey to health and I acknowledge that i’m not quite there yet. I am larger, I am beautiful, but I love myself so much that I am aiming to have a healthy body’, as opposed to ‘I’m curvy, I’m beautiful and I’m going to eat all this junk food because it doesn’t matter’.

This is just a blog post of me thinking out loud. I would never intended to hurt or offend anyone, it’s just something I feel concerned with. Maybe because I myself am heavily overweight right now. I just think that health and happiness should be the ultimate goal. Not promoting unhealthy lifestyles either end of the scale.

I’ll get off of my soap box now, (and off of the scales) and I hope to inspire people along the way with my weight loss journey. I’m still at the very beginning, but i’m on my way to a healthier and happier life. This is where the name of my blog came about.

Sow – sow seeds

Grow – Grow your own

Glow – Glow (pretty self explanatory that one).

It also means…

Sow –    Scatter kindness everywhere you go

Grow –  Grow as a person from your mistakes, and never stop leaning

Glow –  Radiate kindness, happiness, positivity

It’s ok to wear your heart on your sleeve. When I feel comfortable wearing short sleeves again, maybe I’ll get  heart tattoo on my wrist. I wish I was one of those larger ladies who rocks short sleeves unapologetically, but i’m not there yet. I hope I don’t wait until I’ve reached my goal weight before I wear short sleeves, Summer days and cardigans makes me  a rather cranky Stacey. But, i’m not there yet. I’m not confident enough in my own skin. Maybe i’ll challenge myself to go out wearing a summer dress with no cardigan this summer and no long black leggings. If I do, i’ll blog about it.

Much Love,

Stace x