January Blues? not this year.

 

For the first time in a really long time, January was a great start to the year. I was well into my therapy, we’d had a lovely Christmas (despite a very unpleasant incident on Boxing day, which I won’t write about on here as this is a positive blog post). January 2015 was one of the worst months of my entire life. I was really poorly. It was pretty scary for myself and those around me. It was a pretty dark time. Thanks to good doctors and supportive loved ones, I got through it. But that was 2015. 2016 was actually a pretty ace start to the year.

Fast forward to January 2016, I’d wanted to buy my mum a candle from The White Company for some time. The Christmas just gone I wanted to get her the three wick Seychelles candle but it was over £50, and although I love my mum dearly, I just couldn’t spend £50 on a candle at that point in time. We’d also wanted festoon lights for our garden for a really long time (also sold at The White Company).

One day on instagram The White Company posted a contest to win a £250 shopping spree in their stores. All we had to do was share their photo and use the hashtag ‘win with white’.  As I usually do, I entered on Instagram. Not long after I had a comment on my shared photo from The White Company saying ‘Congratulations, you’ve won day 23 of our advent calendar competition’.  I didn’t get my hopes up as I thought maybe I was a runner up,  I emailed them my details and few days later I received £250 worth of store vouchers in the post. I couldn’t believe it. Straight away I knew I wanted to get my mum that large Seychelles candle. Then I realised, I could get festoon lights too. I never win anything, and of course I don’t ever expect to win anything, but this time I won, and I won a shopping spree. I couldn’t believe it. Even though I was sharing my vouchers with my mum (and we got my auntie a candle too), I still felt a little uncomfortable if i’m honest. I was so grateful, but I wasn’t used to winning anything and somehow felt a bit guilty that all I did was share a photo to win the shopping spree. (Something I’ve even spoken about in therapy).

On January the 3rd, it was Maya’s first birthday. Maya had a huge part in me getting well again. I had to care for her, and she made me smile on days i’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have been smiling. I wanted to celebrate her first birthday. (with the boys I don’t know their exact birth dates as they were adopted and I don’t have that information). So, as much as my friends and family mocked me, Little Mi was getting a puppy party. She had a ball pit, we made healthy pup cakes and blueberry dog cookies. They had their tunnel, toys. All five of the dogs loved it, but it was clear that Harley loved the ball pit the most. Yes, it was perhaps silly, but people throw their one year old children parties and i’m sure they don’t know any different. I know that you can show your kids the photos from their first birthday when they get older, but this was a nice afternoon for my family and the fur children. It wasn’t a big expensive, we already had the paddling pool (Maya loved her paddling pool last summer, but unfortunately it broke, so we bought another one for £3, yep, £3 in the clearance last autumn).

Here’s some photos from our rather silly but very fun dog party. Seeing the dogs having that much fun was worth the effort. My cousin Heidi came around, and even bought Maya a birthday present. We sat and drank tea, talked about our fur babies and of course I took a lot of photos.

 

 

Shortly after Maya’s birthday, the guys and I got to celebrate my little sister turning 16. I still can’t believe that my baby sister is 16. I remember when she first learnt to walk. I remember when she was first born and I was so excited to meet her. When I made a fairy costume for her for my GCSE textiles project, and when she lost her Little Miss Giggles teddy and my stepmum had to quickly replace it before my sister noticed. How is she 16 already?

I booked a table at my favourite restaurant Giraffe. I did ask my sister where she wanted to go, but she said to surprise her. It was a lovely night, and she didn’t get too embarrassed when her cake was brought out!

 

 

January 2015 was the worst January i’d ever experienced, but January 2016 was one of the best. I didn’t go travelling, I didn’t make a huge step forward in my career, I didn’t lose weight, We didn’t buy our dream house… but I did spend time chillin’ with loved ones and appreciating the little things. Those small things are what made it great.

If you’re going through a tough time, it can get better. I didn’t think it ever would. I don’t say this lightly. It was truly awful. A lot of it is a blur to me now, but I remember my boyfriend crying. I remember not seeing my mum for a month and she must have been worried. My stepdad visited regularly during the last two weeks of that month, at 4am, 3am, whatever time of night my boyfriend or my best friend would call if i’d become really ill. He’d sit with us and talk, he’d say my mum missed me and loved me. Eventually I went around to see my mum. I’d missed her too, but I knew she wasn’t well herself and I didn’t want her to see me like that. I wanted her to have no negativity in her life, but my stepdad said she insisted that I go see her. Even if it make her emotional.

It was a relief if i’m honest. My relationship with my parents, my mum and stepdad, has gone from strength to strength over the years. My mum and I didn’t get on when I was younger, but we’ve since spoken about it. She’s apologised for things I felt were really selfish or unnecessary. During one heated argument, I really lost my composure and got very emotional and angrily said she had no reason to be upset with me. It was then that she herself went from angry to tearful and she said I was right. She said that she loved me and that I was the ‘kindest, nicest person she’d ever known’. This isn’t me bragging, as there are people much kinder and ‘nicer’ than me in the world (I hope to meet many of them and call them friends during my lifetime), but for my mum to say that, it was really unexpected. I was used to criticism, and harsh words, anger and moodiness. To hear her say that, I’ll never forget it. It was then that I knew my mum was just frustrated that she couldn’t help me and that she didn’t understand mental illness. She’s never since compared me to one of her friends kids. She’s never since said the word ‘ashamed’, (one she regrets ever saying), the word ‘normal’ wasn’t used in the same context of comparison as before.

She simply didn’t understand that I was unwell, I would get upset and angry at her lack of empathy. I’d call her selfish. (she later admitted she was). That is very much in the past now. This was a couple of years before my mum had the stroke. We really became closer during this time. We’ve become even closer since the stroke and she’s now one of my best friends. I’m not a perfect daughter, but what is? I’ve only ever lied to my mum once (the time my best friend spilled tea on my mum’s white carpet and I told my mum I’d been sick, sorry overshare, it was the only excuse I could think of that she wouldn’t be upset with me).

The turning point for my mum and I? It was on my 24th birthday. My mum saw me have a really bad panic attack in front of all of my friends. It was humiliating. A family member I no longer speak to did something quite cruel that day, something inconsiderate and to this day I believe there was malicious intent, but by the time my friends arrived at my house,  just before we got on the minibus, I just went red, I couldn’t breathe. Normally I like a good awkward silence among friends, I usually fill it or try to make people laugh. This time was different.  I ran upstairs, burst out crying, and my cousin and her friend had to talk me into going to my own party. Everyone had pre booked their place at a medieval banquet so I couldn’t let them down. It wasn’t a cheap night out. It would have been rude to not go after all of these people made efforts with the time, money and costumes. So I went, it was awesome and such a laugh, I spent far too long crying in the toilets that night (alcohol eh?), but it was an awesome night out. If you get chance to go to a Medieval Banquet, I highly recommend it. Be sure to dress up and really get involved. My birthday was at Coombe Abbey, but I know Warwick Castle holds banquets too. My friend Mike drinking the lemon water finger bowl and saying ‘the soup tastes funny’ was so funny that my friend Laura and I almost fell off of our chairs.  We told him it was to clean his fingers between courses (you eat with your fingers there). I also got a bit merry and stood up when they said to say Happy Birthday to the birthday boy Kevin. I thought the guy meant me. There were four other birthday’s there, I was the last to be called, but I stood up every time they sang happy birthday to a birthday guest. I got confused. (not embarrassing at all).

With regards to not being well, to say it’s been a journey doesn’t seem like an appropriate word. It’s been more than a tough journey, and I was fortunate enough to have loved ones holding my hand and making sure I got the care I needed. Even though I can now count my closest family on one hand (my boyfriend, and best friend are included in this, they’re family)… I realise that some people don’t even have that. It breaks my heart. It saddens me that some people are alone, and some people are surrounded by people but still honestly feel alone. Please get help if you need it. I’m usually the person trying to avoid medication at all costs, but this time I needed medication. Even if it’s just to take the edge off and help balance you out. Go see your doctor. When you’re thinking more clearly you’re able to get through the days a little easier, I promise you it can get better. I promise you you’re not alone. Great people can come into your life at any point and I promise you they’re worth waiting for. When I say it gets better, I’m not referring to winning a shopping spree, or throwing a silly dog party… they were lovely, but I mean things can get better in your life.

Until next time,

Much Love,

S

xx